Oh dear, did I actualy like that movie more than I thought I would?

Look me in the eye
Then, tell me I'm satisfied
And now are you satisfied?

Everything goes
Well, anything goes all of the time
Everything you dream of
Is right in front of you
And everything is a lie


So I watched Whip It. And as per the usual, it made me miss derby terribly. I won't even go on about the non-reality of it, for Christ sakes its a movie.

Did remind me that I'm in charge of my own destiny. While things may still be up in the air... I still have something to look forward to.

The town in that movie is a more backwards Edgerton. Funny watching it, because it reminds me how much I hate Edgerton sometimes but at the same time it shapes me. I have learned to respect opinions other than my own, to argue points without stepping on toes. Because I'm surrounded by racists, hunters, rednecks, and republicans. Most of them I really like. So I don't try to piss them off unless they say something really upsetting. Then I'll get out my boxing gloves.

I had more to say but the words fall away... if I think of them I'll have to add them later.

Its a downgrade for sure...

I'd rather live in a brand new condo that only has one bedroom than live in my parents house. Those of you in the know have pictures in your email...

"So you're dating the pizza girl?"
"Yeah, she's going to school to be a teacher."
"Oh, that's lovely, its nice to meet you pizza girl."
"Yes, your son is lovely, and 7 years my junior, and by the time I'm done with college I'll be barren, kiss your hopes of grandchildren goodbye."

O, something is rubbing off on me lately.

I actually had that thought because I delivered to a house that had to be this cutie's parents. And he's much younger than me. Had to be his parents or a relative, because I recognized the smile. The weird thing is my worst-case-scenario fast forward brain decided to think all that in a nano-second. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I guess that's how I'm halfway decent at fiction writing... shit just comes into my head...

Requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't care what you perceive
I'm not here to make you see
Sometimes I just need to grieve
requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't give a fuck what they say
who cares about them anyway
i'll always find a way to be the new me
requiem for the girl I used to be


Sometimes I think about how different I feel now versus 5 years ago. I like who I am, I am ok with who I am, but its funny, sometimes I just remember that I was vastly different... especially days like today.

Sometimes I wish my brain had an off switch. Something bothered me the other day. I can't get my head around it or why it bothers me. But I saw this thing that said "you never stop loving someone either you never loved them in the first place or you still do." This bothered me because of the ex. THE EX. the double T. I no longer love him. It wouldn't even be healthy to love him. But I would say I did. I had to, otherwise why did I make sacrifices and work hard and try hard and care so much? It had to be love right? Just because I don't know because so much time has passed? I care about his general well-being, but he hasn't spoken to me in forever. I don't know a single thing about him anymore. Other than the fact he's constantly outside my place of work doing stuff for another business. Today he and a friend were walking out the back door of said establishment. I drove by waving. His friend (who came to my illegal lesbian wedding at a swamp, who is a nice guy) waved. The ex looked up upon hearing my overly loud car... he didn't do anything except just kind of stare. Like he didn't know what to do. Granted he was probably surprised. I wasn't prepared for my reaction to seeing him. I felt like I got punched in the sternum. What. The. Fuck. It doesn't make any sense. I guess I just ate a lot of pain back when things ended and it still swells up from time to time? I don't rightly know.

Another friend once said you don't stop loving someone, and if you can't be with them, and will never be with them, you just go with someone else. Made it sound like you just go for second best. I don't like that either. I didn't date after the demise of my relationship because I thought it wasn't fair when I couldn't like anyone more than the ex. Now I like most people more than the ex. Not that he isn't a good guy, just really not my type anymore. I need a freer spirit, someone who understands me better, someone who doesn't want me to fit a mold that I don't belong in, and I want someone who I don't feel misunderstands me. If I was still stuck on him, it wouldn't be fair to someone. Now I'm over him, and moved on, so I'd consider someone else.

Doesn't matter when you're over them, sometimes it still feels like you get punched in the sternum from time to time.

In completely unrelated news, the owl outside the windows hooting up a storm, the frogs out back are croaking happily, Cops-Sturgis Rally is on TV, and I am trying not to eat another Reese's peanut butter cup.

I'm completely out of my friend's mom's house... so whatever the real story is on that, I don't care. I just have my stuff out, in storage, and I'm hoping to find an apartment. Looking at a place downtown by the old school car wash... we'll see how that goes tomorrow.

Going to try to sleep.

And the overly epic music of this video game make this post anti-climatic

so much to tell but tired.

good news: completely out of old place. storage unit rented. loki staying in extra bedroom at parents. i'm in my childhood bedroom.

bad news: no place to live. maybe i can somehoe get approval for the efficiency. the realty company does credit checks and said i dont make enough money for the apt. Maybe the one I'm looking at tomorrow will accept me.

must. sleep. so. tired. so. much. moving. and. cleaning.

Need out. Out. Now.

I just miss Quark when I watch Alice in Wonderland...

Jabberwocky. I remember not being aware of what that was, where the name came from, due to my awareness of Alice in Wonderland only through the Disney movie as a child. But then I got a job doing graphic design. And eventually one day I was perusing the menus...

"Jabberwocky"

It was a tool. A tool called Jabberwocky? What does it do?

The option said "Jabber." Jabber away I did.

I started becoming engrossed in the random word patterns. Jabber works thusly: it is meant as a tool to help you decide a pretty damn approximate word count on any piece of text you might happen to put into a document with Quark. Its a wonderful tool. For instance, if you know you need to fit ~500 words into a particular document, you can Jabber and put text in there... then play with fonts and typefaces until you get what you want space-wise. This is especially helpful when working on a deadline and wanting to make sure something is going to fit... but the story isn't even written yet.

There was a beauty in jabber. It was randomly generated words of varying sizes... yet sometimes it was so random it appeared non-random. It was fascinating to me.

After seeing Alice, I was sad at the loss of Quark in my life, and sad at the loss of the jabber capability. I haven't used the text fill option on Adobe InDesign yet... somehow I don't think it will be the same for me.

Oh jabber, how I miss thee.

In other news, sounds like I am getting an efficiency apartment. No frills, just a tiny kitchen, a closet and bathroom. But I think that will suffice because I cannot afford to do much else. My mom's faxing the application in the morning. Wish me luck! Its not the greatest place in the world, definitely not the nicest, but whatever, I need to live somewhere, I think this will fit the bill. Windows for Loki too. That will make him happy. I'm also going to get his favorite hangy perch for him too. I hope he's content and not overly loud... I'm pretty sure that's where we're going to move.

A small town is a vast hell... OR I refuse to die in this god-forsaken hole.

Fuck. FUCK.

You know, it's not like I don't realize certain inalienable facts. Doesn't mean I can't wish they were different.

I wish I didn't have reactions to my ex. Really wish that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was true. I'd erase him. Oddly enough, when we first broke up I'd never dream of it.

But for Christ sake, its been almost 5 years. I'm sick of my gut reactions to stupid shit.

Before I wanted to keep every good memory. I wanted to cherish what we'd had that was good and remember how to love like that. For fucks sake I am so sick of it now. I don't really think about the good stuff, its a waste of time and doesn't change anything. My stupid fucking stomach sees his car and gets all icky. This is followed by the atypical "you werent good enough" line of thinking. I can squash that pretty easily by remembering that no ones perfect and he has plenty of faults and things he did that were just not even good. This is followed by the "but no one loves you now" thoughts, and the "everyone just judges you anyways."

I realize all this sounds crazy... and today I realized something.

I already want to get the hell out of here. But I realized I need to. LIKE REALLY NEED TO. Not just a desire, but something drastic is going to happen. Not like some serious thing people should be concerned for, but I'll just lose my mind and disappear one night, leaving everything I have floating in the air in my wake.

I just can't keep seeing the same people, hearing the same shitty rumors, having the same conversations with my friend about how we're both destined to be something so much better. We're destined to be authors. This whole town thinks we're losers and drunks.

I just need to get the fuck away.

Looking forward to graduating from MATC. I think I have to go to Milwaukee. I can't die in this fucking town. And going to WW wouldn't fucking help me at all.

I don't know.

I just need to take a hiatus and stay indoors.

I really hope whatever is wrong with the other delivery driver's car gets fixed soon, because seeing the ex's car, and a fleeting glimpse of him, then his girlfriends car, I can't really accept that I am in shitville still and not doing something better for myself.

The most annoying part of seeing him is the reminder that somehow, we're linked to this past, we can't have a future as friends, and are apparently supposed to not be friends or talk... I mean him no ill will, I don't ever want him back, why can't he and I be friends?

Oh well.

There should be a breathalyzer on my roller skates

Yeah, I went out last night after work and somehow decided that grabbing my roller skates while I was grabbing a sweatshirt was a totally rad idea. It was pretty fun, I don't usually fall or anything. A bystander told me I have super fly moves. If that isn't funny... Honestly, I think I am having way too much fun. I don't want to stop having fun, I think that would be very unlike me. I mean, come on, we've all been part of these crazy oddball drunken adventures. The cone-napping? (I still imagine BT saying "you mean there's been a CONE-NAPPING!" to the police officer checking out the perimeter... good thing we feigned ignorance and they didn't see our cone-a-lingus pictures).

I did, however, get scolded for making too much noise. I guess rollerskating across a large wooden floor in a large empty cavernous space with brick walls will echo into neighboring apartments.

But my God, it wasn't like I was the one singing "Levon" at the top of my lungs.

I guess I should enjoy the ride... some day I won't be enjoying it anymore, or I'll be leaving. Might as well just experience whatever there is to experience... I'd rather have lived and have stories I'm embarrassed to tell than to have never felt anything at all.

Also, I should NOT get into philosophical discussions about becoming famous authors with other friends... where we sit and talk about how we ahve this potential for greatness, we're going to acheive it, and everyone will have least expected it from us. This makes me send cryptic emails to one of my best friends in the world at ungodly hours that are answered with worry and the question "are you OK?"

I am OK. I just apparently think I'm Hunter S. Thompson Light or something. I wax more poetic about ridiculous situations than necessary.

Welcome to off the rails. Population: me. Maybe i need to stop partying my problems away...

Rollerskating at 3am. Drunk. Told i have super fly moves. I love my life.

sometimes life hands you lemons, and you can't afford sugar, the water's turned off, and vodka is unavailable.

So now I have 2 weeks to get out. 2 weeks. If I lived in a normal place I'd get the 30 days like normal. I'm getting fucked.

So now I'm homeless and unsure how to proceed.

I guess I'm going back to the parents. I hope we can figure something out for Loki because I don't want to have to board him again... they were great to him there but poor guy...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and you can't afford the vodka.

So here's the newest situation... I need to find another place to live. I've not been given anything like a deadline of when to get out, I just hope to God to get a place and sneak away from here. I don't like drama, or listening to sighing side comments. I just want to get the fuck out and be free. I'm looking at an efficiency in town on Monday. I don't want to move closer to school, because I've gotten kind of used to and happy with living here close to work.

Aaaaaaand... my house payment went up. I'll probably end up having to raise rent at some point. God, this really sucks. I only foresee a couple ways of this panning out...

foreclosure.
selling the house at a loss.

Either option sucks balls. I can't afford to live in my own home anymore. I don't know what will happen. I don't care. Not in an apathetic kind of way, but just in a "worrying about this shit will just give me more gray hairs so fuck it, I'll see what happens" kind of way.

Its like everyday the options change...