Do boys have soft hearts?

So I am sitting here wondering... it seems as if you are female, decisions regarding what is best for you, your significant other, your family regarding people outside your immediate circle is easy. If friends bring drama, eliminate them. If extended family causes stress and discord, shut them out. How many of my female friends have stopped talking to or shut out problematic relatives or friends? Sometimes for years? It seems so simple to a female. Especially in the case of other females bringing stress and drama.

Once again I find myself in a relationship with difficult relatives. I feel sorry for my boyfriend in the fact that this baggage is baggage he didn't ask for. But like many boyfriends before, I feel myself telling him the same things I've told others. "Tell her what you want" "Don't let her railroad you like that" "your relationship is dysfunctional/damaged/toxic." I'm a broken record.

The strong women in my inner circle eliminate drama caused by families, even sometimes their own mothers. Men seem powerless to do this. They have some sort of guilt string mommy can pluck, and then they forget what the hell they were mad about and go to feeling like a bad person. Or maybe it's just the ones I date.

So mine is stuck in between his crazy sister starting ridiculous drama, his opiate addict mother who just rambles and speaks and doesn't listen until he is screaming obscenities at her, and me, who is trying to get these people the fuck out of my life. I realize that when you take a person, you take the whole picture. But my GOD, he's sick of his family, I told him I am not going to perpetuate their shit and I am done with them completely, and they just don't quit.

I don't know what else to do in the case of his sister. She started a bunch of drama over the fact that I complained about the ongoing problem of her mother bringing over unwanted groceries. The mother is on government assistance and complains if the food is wasted, but won't stop bringing it because she somehow feels better about herself. She comes over and judges how things look when I've been sick for a week and the man is in charge of housecleaning. (#1 she thinks its my duty, #2 housecleaning is a team effort here. If I cook he does the dishes. We try to work together.) So he had been tired, taking care of me, and not doing the housework to standards she likes. She also came in and bitched at him while I was sleeping in bed with him. Since then she isn't allowed in the house unsupervised, even if she is dropping off stuff from his old house that got missed in the move.

As far as his sister, I put her on a restricted list, finally blocked her, and reported her to facebook. She is STILL using that as some sort of leverage towards my bf. I don't know what planet she lives on, but her rude comments on a status about my cousins death being discovered via facebook and all the drama on facebook was the end for me. I honestly didn't think anyone would be that inappropriate until Aaron Tronnes turned my cousin's murder into his own personal joke.

Now, obviously my bf's sister wasn't the only person causing drama on there, and thus, I left facebook. I couldn't handle the news feed telling me stupid shit I didn't want to read, coupled with people battling back and forth. I didn't want to put the work in to weed out friends. And when someone I thought was a halfway decent guy did something that so horrified and offended me I decided I didn't want any of these people in my life. My real friends, I have their phone numbers. I have their email addresses. I can send them a text, write a letter, make a phone call. I don't need facebook to keep up with all these people in my periphery. I also don't need his hideous troll of an ex calling about their daughter on the phone and commenting how amusing his sister's drama is. I should mention, his sister is insane enough to think that she and his ex are buddies, because they should be friends because they both hate my guts, forgetting entirely that if she cared about her brother, she could potentially fuck up any custody hearings.

Then she wasn't satisfied with talking shit, creating drama on facebook, she started showing up at the door with stuff from the house, trying to push her way in, and getting yelled at to leave. My bf ended up telling her she isn't welcome in his home or his life. So while some friend is having a baby (who's stepdad is OUR LANDLORD), she is bitching about me, and making up some shit about me, then telling the landlord we aren't happy with our place and a bunch of shit is wrong, then blowing up his phone about how I lied to the landlord and all this other crap.

HOLY FUCK BITCH. GET A FUCKING LIFE.

What she is referring to is a checklist of things that were wrong with the apartment. We moved in early and agreed to clean it ourselves. His mother had called the landlord (family friend unfortunately) bitching about it and saying we were withholding our rent. So we end up getting these crazy calls from him. I like our apartment. It may be old and weird but that's what I like about it. I don't want to have to move or terminate our lease early because his family is nuts and can't be trusted. So YET AGAIN he has to call the landlord and say "No really, I mean it, DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SAY, THEY ARE CRAZY."

Funny thing is, they hated his ex's guts, and she hated his mom for being intrusive, now they are all buddies? And why? Because my boyfriends aunt has a bad heart and numerous surgeries, and my boyfriend didn't ask about her, when no one told him she was hospitalized again. But his ex did. The same person they called a selfish lying whore. But now she's ok in their book.

My bf spends half his week arguing with a mean ex who won't allow her daughter 50/50 time with him against his wishes and his daughters wishes, telling his mother over and over again to stop bringing groceries that end up not being something we need but something we have too much of, dealing with his crazy sister stirring up shit and dealing with me telling him I can't handle it anymore.

So far his sister is cut out of his life and he warned his mother he will shut her out again.

But then he says "when I had to go to councelling with her, she was so sad and depressed because I cut her out of my life when my daughter was born, and she sat and cried about it for a long time." So he doesn't want to shut her out again.

My answer? History repeats itself, she is never going to change if she hasn't in all this time.

I only hope things keep progressing towards making them stop the craziness, or making them stay the hell away from us.

This also perpetuates our wishes to move away. We are bonded here because of his daughter, but sometimes you have to do what is best for your sanity. She is welcome in our home anytime no matter where we are and no matter when. Same goes for if we move somewhere else.

If I were a religious person, I'd pray they go the fuck away. And that we could move peacefully and not start world war 3.

A small town is a vast hell.

another day, another direction...

So I have been seriously considering pursuing a photography job... I can still do some school. But honestly lately I've just been thinking about throwing myself out there. I applied for a few studio positions and a school photographer position. Hopefully something good comes along. Keep your fingers crossed...

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WHen you love somebody...

You find yourself doing things you never expected... like researching mediation and child custody issues... because sometimes, if someone wants to use the child to hurt you and demand support and refuse visitation, I am going to get mad. And I am going to get you. I will research every legal obligation. I will fill out every piece of paperwork.

I am getting a head start... I don't think she will know what hit her...

and she put the child's belongings in storage and moved herself and the child into a bedroom in her parent's house... My boyfriend has a room set up for the child, and in the child's own words: "I think she put it all in the storage space so that I couldn't have my stuff here and I wouldn't like you guys better."

From the mouths of babes...

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I know it's impossible to garner opinions on something that is only a few months in. I know everything I think is crazy and sane persons would probably talk me out of it. I am aware of the insanity and whirlwind surrounding me.

Yet, I do not care.

I'm 33 years old. Soon to be 34. I have in the past few years gave up caring about certain things. Marriage. Children. Soulmates.

The thing I never gave up on is that I would recognize the person for me when he appeared. I kept myself from thinking in that whole "maybe I'll settle for someone" way. I thought maybe I'd find a suitable person to stave off loneliness. I guess I had no idea what my future held, and I didn't care. I just enjoyed being ridiculous on a weekend basis, acting a fool, and disregarding responsibility.

Then he appeared. I ignored him at first. Hanging out as friends, as we had been, for years and years and years. I'd ask him where he was going after bar, he'd answer "wherever you are." I ignored it.

How did the fairytale happen?

Trust me, what I consider a fairytale isn't most peoples. Perhaps I paint everything in my head in a more vibrant light. There's still being broke, buying groceries, dealing with day to day annoyance, his occasional family drama, etc. I consider being annoyed by life part of the fairytale. Why I call it the fairytale? He wakes up, looks at me, tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. No one has ever done that. Save for maybe one ex, back in high school. Beautiful isn't something I often hear. I take it rather well considering I am terrible with compliments. But he doesn't stop there. He tells me I have a wonderful soul. That I brighten his days. He loves waking up next to me or sleeping next to me.

Every. Single. Day.

Maybe we'll fade to being less cuddly, less sweet. Maybe we will become other people's version of "normal." But I don't think so. After all the times I've mocked others in their lovey dovey moments, now I am in them consantly.

Step 2. Moving in together September 1st.

Step 3. Discussion of our potential January engagement.

Step 4. Late May/Early June wedding in Vegas.

Life is strange.

Don't know what you got, til its go-o-o-o-ne

Thank you, Tom Kiefer.

So my newest annoyance in the land of ex-ville... she keeps texting him something everyday. Pictures of kitties. Pictures of him with "remember this?" Reminders about his favorite shows. he doesn't acknowledge any of it. I doubt she realizes I gave him his phone and he hates cell phones. The only reason he has it is because she let the cable/phone bill lapse. Good lord. I doubt she realizes that he hates bothering to figure out how to download pics so he just has me do it for him, so I see almost every message. I don't even care, its just funny...

What does bother me is the stalking. She doesn't know that my grandmother lives on her strafe pattern away from his house... I see you. Last time I saw her, my Nova was out front, having just took a shit, ruining my day, and then I saw her so I waved super big with a fake smile saying through my teeth "oh that's nice. Maybe she's stealing your mail too?" and waving like a Jackass.

I was in a bad mood. I was being cunty.

Other than that... things are good. Its mostly a mild irritation, mostly because of how poorly she treated him. Putting him down, calling him a loser, an asshole, a worthless prick. Who says that kind of stuff? I never called my ex an asshole until the very end... because I thought he was being one by not telling me we were over before dating someone else. I cared about my ex, and for some of his failings, he cared too. He may not have wanted to continue a relationship and held on too long, and I think that was because he didn't want to hurt me, and he made some poor choices. But Jesus, he never put me through the wringer like that, and trust me, he is smart enough and has the ability to. We had some spectacular fights but it wasn't until we were over. I was reeling in hurt and boy did we fight, but we didn't fight that ferociously when we were together. We fought all right but it wasn't as vicious as she is.

I feel lucky, yet I feel bad. I don't like what she did to him. I am glad he is picking himself up and realizing he is a worthy person, and he isn't awful and ugly and unlovable.

Because I love him.

And he loves me.

All in all, that's what really matters.

its all we got, its happiness.

I've never been so happy... I still feel the need to pinch myself. Its been about a month and the craziness hasn't subsided. As fickle as it sounds to say... I think I've met my soulmate. Sometimes you just know...

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...

Our skin glows in the moonlight.
Iridescent almost. Inches apart we breathe each other in.
Not touching. Yet. Just breathing.
The water slaps against the rocks on the beach.
Breathe.

The smiles returning to their faces...

LIttle darling, its been a long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, and I say, its all right.

So for those who may actually still check this, even though I don't blog often, I have news.

There is a man. Yes, a real, genuine man. He's everything I could have asked for. Not perfect, but good. Really good. Good for me.

For the first time in a long time I know what it's like to be cared for. He calls me beautiful. He hugs me tight. I don't think anything coming from him is bullshit. I may be setting myself up for disaster but I don't care. I find this an opportunity of a lifetime and if I didn't jump right in I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

I don't care if it doesn't work. At least I tried.

But I think it will.

The picture was taken at sunrise by the lake. We were out for the evening very late and went down to the beach near his house to watch it come up. To sit on rocks and hold each other and watch the sun rise while talking about a whole lot of stuff. We talk in the wee hours because he works the graveyard shift. It's weird. It's good. It's scary.

We talk a lot. Maybe too much. We talk and hold each other and we're complete dorks for each other.

I feel bad that circumstances have to come with all of this. His ex is going through some hell I am sure. I feel for her because when my ex and i parted ways I was devoted to the relationship. Loyal. He had the foresight to end things for us. I may not have agreed with how he did it but in the long run it was the best thing for us. He needed someone different than me.

I hate being the enemy but its inevitable. I know how I felt back then.

I guess the wounds will heal with time.

Jumping in with both feet.

Oh wow

things I have done today:

-confirmed friends on facebook with no idea who they are
-got a bit drunk
-found out that we may be bouting at the back bar
-aaaaand the band The Pimps *might* play there
-lacked in getting pics developed
-skated my ass off
-placed flyers
-texted inappropriately

oh god.

Oh school...

So even though I am enrolled in classes at MATC for the Fall semester... I have filled out my FAFSA to include MIAD, UWM, Edgewood, Beloit College and UW-Madison.

Though I know UW-Madison will be harder to get into I figured what the hell.

Just in case I transfer in January...

So the plan, which has been in flux lately, is starting to change. I am more concerned about the amount of psychology required for the teaching certificate. I have enough trouble without trying to keep up with psych courses. I have no idea WHY, but I cannot STAND psychology. It bores me. My mind wanders. There is way too much memorization. I just shut down.

I want to get a degree from MIAD and then a MFA and teach studio art classes somewhere. I don't know or care where. With an MFA I can apply to colleges across the land for jobs. The strange thing is that to be a college professor, you need less educational requirements (in the 12-odd credits of psych/development/speech) than you do to be a school teacher.

If I can get enough aid to go to MIAD I am so there. Its ideal. The structure is meant for art students. No psychology specific courses. YAY! Plus the campus is amazing, I toured it there with hot-for-teacher when I was at U-Rock.

Beloit has a decent looking Arts program and the ability to tack on the teacher credentials if I decide to.

I guess we shall see what happens...

Run. Run run run.

Well baby, better take my advice
A black cat crossed your path twice
The moon came out next to the sun
Then you opened your umbrella in a room
You better run, run, run

As the deadlines loom ever closer, the fear sets in. You want to be out of here by the end of summer. Maybe you can't get in. What are you going to do? Maybe you should just get a certificate in Massage and get a job in a spa. Make life easier on yourself.

But the signs all point to "run." Get out. Get the fuck out while you can.

Madison would be ok. I guess if I did go the certificate route perhaps I could live up here.

But I think its time to aspire for more. Try out for Brewcity. Move to a big city. Get the fuck out. I have a few friends in Milwaukee already. I know I can come back to see the people I care about and some of those same people would come to Milwaukee to see me. Its an hour and a half drive. Get away from the negativity that brews in the pot of boredom here. Everyone who matters, they have lives, husbands, kids, boyfriends, families. I end up in the cesspool because I get sick of sitting in my room.

Now I'm in near panic. The other thought bubbling to the surface is to apply at Milwaukee Area Tech College. They have a "teacher prep" degree track. How awesome is that? Transferrable to UWM. I can transfer my credits over from Madison College too. See how much aid I can get... find a comfy studio for Loki and I... live on the cheap. Be out of here.

Run.


But i think it's gonna take a while
It's a clear view
Noone's waiting at the door
A million letters
They couldn't make me change my mind
I think i'd better run, run, run, run

Truck stop omelets and Madonna

"Justify My Love" is playing on the tv. Madonna you dirty dirty girl. LOL

I'm eating an omelet, not getting my homework done, and sitting in the living room.

Get to work during the super bowl tomorrow... got my pay ahead of time and a 25 dollar convenience fee for doing it so Scotty could go to a party... He was like you're an extortionist... Hey, I learned something from him. Always try to benefit yourself in the best ways possible. ;)