And now a psychic?

I went to see a psychic with Dana today. She told me some interesting things, but the most interesting was that I have to make a list of what I want in a man. As in, accept NO compromise. I am trying to do this immediately. I'm trying to figure out what I want. This is the list thus far:
-Mutual respect
-Stability (mentally)
-Openness
-Common interests
-Not completely commitment-phobic
-Intelligence
-Some sort of affection towards me
-Sense of humor
-Attractive (to me, anyways)

Apparently I may own my own business someday, I'm my 40s, after having children, if this change of attitude and such works.

We shall see.

At any rate... I need to prioritize getting what I want from someone anyways... Its a damn good thing to do.

Welcome to: Bi-Polar Days! Also, a commentary on awkwardness.

So I have started the undertaking of moving shit around in my room. I need more space. There is now a desk in here HURRAY! This means I took my old dresser out, some relic I've had since forever and a day ago.

Sol old, that I found (in this order):

My ex's passport and birth certificate from when we were supposed to go on a marvelous vacation to London/Paris.

Also the receipts for the cancellation of said trip, which he had agreed to shell out the money to refund me, totalling $500. memory somehow seems that never got repaid, out of some argument about something else that was irrelevant. neither here nor there.

my material issue t-shirt.

a pick from a big wreck concert

LETTERS

oh the letters. some in the vein of desperate pleas to win back my affections (common theme, they seem to realize WHY I am leaving and want to undo the deeds that caused the parting... back then I had no time for such nonsense. I was too busy chasing the wrong person. A person who seems to have never written me much more than a 2 sentence note.)

the letters, some sad, most pleading, and while some may say that its a depressing thing to read...

it's not. You know its nice to know that at some point in my life I was important enough to someone to send a 3 page letter detailing the ways they wish they could fix things. Yeah so maybe I made mistakes. whatever. do you have ANY idea how nice it is to see something like that when you've been nothing but a passing random hook up for years to people? Seriously. I know so many people surrounded by love and potential paramours and all sorts of stuff. Hot girls with nice guys falling at thier feet. I don't sit around being mad or wondering why I'm not them, because I can look at these letters and see that even if it was in the past, I was desirable. That keeps me from wanting to eat arsenic and cut myself in the bath.

and then letters from my college bound friends. funny letters, sad letters, angry letters about things that had happened. I didnt get to read them all. Bi-polar feelings? From sad to laughing?

I also came to understand something better, I had assumed one of my friends was being flighty in leaving her ex... until she started explaining ho he speaks to her. I can understand this as I went through it. I think the people doing it have absolutely no idea they are doing it either... but when someone has nothing but negative comments to you... and you take stock of that, you're suddenly like "why the HELL did I put up with that?" In her case it was to keep a family together. I just wish them all nothing but the best.

I also figured out last week that I have troubles reading "I am flirting" and "I am flirting because its my natural instinct and I really need help" from friends.

I am no good in awkwardness. I fail. Stephanie and I were once caught in a situation where creeper was hitting on her. She pointed at engagement ring. creeper leaned in closer. Steph stared at me. I stared at her, we both stared at each other like deer in headlights. I came up with helpful comments such as "I don't think her army guy fiance would like that" and "Are you a close talker or something" while Steph looked helplessly at me. I stared helplessly back, until one of our sassy friends took note of the situation, got a bouncer, and got dude kicked out. Our problem? We never want to be mean. This situation (and others like it) are what has prompted the "be weird and unfriendly until they go away" response. Also closely tied to a flight response, cause the minute they're distracted I have to pee/leave/gamble/set-head-on-fire/shampoo pets.

My personal favorite in awkwardness was a day at a bar. My friend and I are engaged in conversation. Obviously having a good time, both being talkative and loud talkers, creepers couldnt get a word in edgewise. She leaves for the bathroom.

Dude decides this is his moment. He is ready.

"You look bored." says old-guy.
(be mindful of the fact my friend JUST GOT UP and the bathroom door isn't even closed behind her yet).

"No." *stare into phone, willing it to ring/beep/spontaneously-combust*

"well you look bored." *strange grin*

"nope. I'm fine." *stare at TV over his head*

"You don't smile much do you?"

*BLANK STARE*

"well, you don't smile enough I suppose."

*dumbfounded look followed by awkward smile, then turning attention to phone pretending something AWESOME just happened on it, yep, that was the non-existent text of the century, to the point of FAKE LAUGHING at my phone*

I can never win when awkwardness is presented.

I should thrive in it. I certainly cultivate enough of it for myself.

although I could go the way of pretending it isn't awkward and I am totally fine, AKA denial-land. Like a story I heard from a friend... his dad was getting a tattoo and a mutual friend (also his in-law) is talking to the guy's dad about tattoos. "Just don't be like all the other guys and get a harley symbol with barbed wire around it." Guess what the guy's dad was getting for a tattoo?

*smacks forehead*

Anyhow, I'm getting my room somewhat organized, feeling better even if sometimes feeling blue, and laughing at the random assortment of postcards my friends have sent over the years. How do postal carriers NOT read them all? I wouldn't get anything done if there were lots of postcards in my mail pile.

"You did WHAT?"

So I figured I'll post my weird news here on the internet and pray to God and everything Holy that someone other than the two people who normally comment doesn't read it. Well there are a couple others I can think of... but generally, I'm keeping it secret, so OF COURSE I'm broadcasting it on the internet...

I got a piercing. Yes its my first one (my ears grew shut right after piercing them at 11). So where is this piercing?

Um, yeah. Its downtown. Its called a V.C.H. and can be looked up on the internet if anyone is curious. (It was definitely weird looking at strangers nether-regions while researching this).

Why did I get this?

*drags out soapbox*

I decided to do something for me. This will enhance my pleasure, and it is something I have wanted to do for a while, but always thought was "odd." I never got it because I was afraid some MAN would say it was slutty, or dirty, or wonder if I was a huge whore who slept around. (Yes, that is the most ridiculous thought ANY person could have, but it was there). I always feared judgement. By my friends, potential love interests, anyone who would find out or knew.

What changed my opinion? Being told no one in this town would seriously date me. Hearing a former paramour had still been making fun of me in relation to himself. Hearing that anyone, anywhere had an opinion about who I am and what I am about.

If I get a scarlet letter for just existing and having made bad judgement about people, then what the fuck do I care what anyone thinks about my piercing?

Honestly, I needed it. It sounds super hokey and really über-feminist, but it made me appreciate my girly parts again. No shame, no wondering if there's something wrong with it. Is it not what people expect? You know when the only pics of something you see are from magazines and internet, usually they look nothing like what you've got going on downstairs. Doing the research for this, I saw regular folks junk. Somehow this made me feel better.

The other thing... those people who had negative things to say that had slept with me before... They have no idea what it looks like. They don't know its there. It's like a brand new thing they've never seen before. Now, cheesy as this may seem, I am elated that it is new and improved. Its about me, not you. It's about me getting off, not your commitment issues. Its about me having a good time, not your tendency to make fun of me. ITS FOR ME, DAMMIT.

So anyone who thought they knew me because the had previously known me in the biblical sense... you don't know shit.

I couldn't be happier.

In reference to all the things that have bothered me in the past with my issues of living in a small town... nobody knows what's going on with me these days. They'd probably secretly think it was awesome while publicly making fun of me for having it.

To them, I say "Fuck You." With an added stuck out tongue: PTHLTTTTTTTTTT.