And I delivered a eulogy...

After my grandpa's recent decline in health, weeklong stay in hospice and death, I had lots of weird thoughts and sadness. I thought he'd be here for my wedding. In case anyone is curious (all two of you) here is his Eulogy. "But I'm just an old carpenter, what do I know?" He'd say and wink at me. Then go back to scrutinizing some project he had completed.   My grandpa was an old carpenter. He was also my hero. He did so many more things than I even knew about. I think first and foremost, he was a musician. You couldn't ask him about an instrument without him plucking around on it for you. He attempted building his own guitar when he was younger. He showed me how to do lots of stuff that I could never do myself. He tried to show me how to play the banjo, which is about like showing a dog how to do a card trick. I never did get it right. It seemed to be his passion out of all the instruments. And he was good at it. My childhood was full of his generation playing music at holiday functions. I think my grandpa always had a song in his heart at any given time. Most of my life his hearing wasn't spectacular, but he could still always play, and he played by ear. Even a few months back when he was playing a guitar, even though he was not in the greatest of health, I used the digital tuner to get the guitar in tune for him, and he played on it, and then corrected himself. He's the first to acknowledge his own mistake and the first to go about correcting it. As far as Grandpas go, he was full of funny sounds, silly faces, and patience enough to let you sit on his lap and show him stuff. Even when you got too big and heard someone else tell you "you're too big to sit on Grandpa." He was a good person to ask questions of. If he didn't know the answer, he would just say so. If he DID know the answer, he'd tell you. In a roundabout way. With maybe a story about life Up North, in the Navy, or references to people you will never meet, places you probably haven't been, and generally a lot more information than you were hunting for in the first place. You could consider yourself wiser for asking, or baffled by the excess information.   I think I'm the only girl in my family who got to work beside him on a remodeling project. Most of my male relatives can attest to the fact that he was a perfectionist, and sometimes in his pursuit of perfection, he would saw a board that was 1/16 of a inch too short. In which case, he grumbles at the board, blames the tape measure, curses the saw, and cuts another board. I think its one of the greatest compliments to have him say: "Krista is a really good plumber." But he was impressed I could plumb my bathroom, and he left the trickier stuff like plastering and installing the mirror cabinet to himself.   He was an animal lover and I think every pet I've ever had near him liked him. He used to garden with my dog Casey, he did some of the bathroom remodeling with my cats Angel on his stepladder and Baxter observing, and he liked to hear my parrot Loki talking. Loki would always bring out a story in him about the navy ship, because they had a parrot on board, and a monkey, and a dog, rescued from some islands. A true testament to his soft side for animals. But with Grandpa, anything could have a story connected to it. It was the best part of talking to him. I think the biggest tribute we can make to his generation is to share these stories, and I will continue to the rest of my life. I love you grandpa.

There's nothing more disheartening, insomnia-inducing, and stomachache-creating than caring for someone's child when you are in a relationship with them, only to find out the reason they don't want to be with the other parent is based on abuse. The system doesn't allow us to do anything about it. Calls to CPS go uninvestigated. The court system needs the child to confess to another party or mandatory reporter. The child doesn't want to report it because they are afraid, due to the fact their whole life the abusive parent has also been controlling and manipulative, and always "gets their way" or "is the boss," and therefore perceived as an entity that cannot be faced in any manner without dire consequence. you would think being crammed in a house with no personal space, a sex offender and felon who is left to watch the child alone, and a parent abusing you would be enough for the courts to do something, but no. The child stays in limbo, the non-abusive parent has to cut through major red tape, nothing gets accomplished. Breeding a environment with love is easy to do, if you are also breeding fear into that environment, you shouldn't be a parent. A child should feel safe. A child should feel they can communicate anything, not slapped, punched, or called derogatory swear words when they question what they perceive as unequal or unfair time sharing between parents. I'm fucking disgusted. I think a lot of this has to do with courts still being fairly weighted in the mother's favor, but supposedly we live in a county that promotes positive co-parenting and working together, and fair time shares.

I'm so scared, I'd hate to be a kid in this situation, and I can't do much without money for a lawyer to go fight this one out and make it happen for us.

Some people shouldn't lie about birth control to get knocked up, maybe they should just get a cat instead. A child is a human, and it may resemble its father, or have personality traits of its father, and pointing those things out when you are angry to the child is harmful, especially when you have nothing good to say about the father, and instead spend all your time talking about the past and how terrible the father is, say you hate him, and say manipulative horrible things to the kid about their father.

I'm so saddened by the system, and watching a child fall through the cracks.

Apparently living with a sex offender/felon in a little house with 5 other people, with a parent verbally, emotionally and physically abusing you just isn't enough for someone to come to action. I would think they'd be more on the side of preventing child abuse, instead of waiting for her to get a black eye or raped before doing something.

In a perfect world...

Do boys have soft hearts?

So I am sitting here wondering... it seems as if you are female, decisions regarding what is best for you, your significant other, your family regarding people outside your immediate circle is easy. If friends bring drama, eliminate them. If extended family causes stress and discord, shut them out. How many of my female friends have stopped talking to or shut out problematic relatives or friends? Sometimes for years? It seems so simple to a female. Especially in the case of other females bringing stress and drama.

Once again I find myself in a relationship with difficult relatives. I feel sorry for my boyfriend in the fact that this baggage is baggage he didn't ask for. But like many boyfriends before, I feel myself telling him the same things I've told others. "Tell her what you want" "Don't let her railroad you like that" "your relationship is dysfunctional/damaged/toxic." I'm a broken record.

The strong women in my inner circle eliminate drama caused by families, even sometimes their own mothers. Men seem powerless to do this. They have some sort of guilt string mommy can pluck, and then they forget what the hell they were mad about and go to feeling like a bad person. Or maybe it's just the ones I date.

So mine is stuck in between his crazy sister starting ridiculous drama, his opiate addict mother who just rambles and speaks and doesn't listen until he is screaming obscenities at her, and me, who is trying to get these people the fuck out of my life. I realize that when you take a person, you take the whole picture. But my GOD, he's sick of his family, I told him I am not going to perpetuate their shit and I am done with them completely, and they just don't quit.

I don't know what else to do in the case of his sister. She started a bunch of drama over the fact that I complained about the ongoing problem of her mother bringing over unwanted groceries. The mother is on government assistance and complains if the food is wasted, but won't stop bringing it because she somehow feels better about herself. She comes over and judges how things look when I've been sick for a week and the man is in charge of housecleaning. (#1 she thinks its my duty, #2 housecleaning is a team effort here. If I cook he does the dishes. We try to work together.) So he had been tired, taking care of me, and not doing the housework to standards she likes. She also came in and bitched at him while I was sleeping in bed with him. Since then she isn't allowed in the house unsupervised, even if she is dropping off stuff from his old house that got missed in the move.

As far as his sister, I put her on a restricted list, finally blocked her, and reported her to facebook. She is STILL using that as some sort of leverage towards my bf. I don't know what planet she lives on, but her rude comments on a status about my cousins death being discovered via facebook and all the drama on facebook was the end for me. I honestly didn't think anyone would be that inappropriate until Aaron Tronnes turned my cousin's murder into his own personal joke.

Now, obviously my bf's sister wasn't the only person causing drama on there, and thus, I left facebook. I couldn't handle the news feed telling me stupid shit I didn't want to read, coupled with people battling back and forth. I didn't want to put the work in to weed out friends. And when someone I thought was a halfway decent guy did something that so horrified and offended me I decided I didn't want any of these people in my life. My real friends, I have their phone numbers. I have their email addresses. I can send them a text, write a letter, make a phone call. I don't need facebook to keep up with all these people in my periphery. I also don't need his hideous troll of an ex calling about their daughter on the phone and commenting how amusing his sister's drama is. I should mention, his sister is insane enough to think that she and his ex are buddies, because they should be friends because they both hate my guts, forgetting entirely that if she cared about her brother, she could potentially fuck up any custody hearings.

Then she wasn't satisfied with talking shit, creating drama on facebook, she started showing up at the door with stuff from the house, trying to push her way in, and getting yelled at to leave. My bf ended up telling her she isn't welcome in his home or his life. So while some friend is having a baby (who's stepdad is OUR LANDLORD), she is bitching about me, and making up some shit about me, then telling the landlord we aren't happy with our place and a bunch of shit is wrong, then blowing up his phone about how I lied to the landlord and all this other crap.

HOLY FUCK BITCH. GET A FUCKING LIFE.

What she is referring to is a checklist of things that were wrong with the apartment. We moved in early and agreed to clean it ourselves. His mother had called the landlord (family friend unfortunately) bitching about it and saying we were withholding our rent. So we end up getting these crazy calls from him. I like our apartment. It may be old and weird but that's what I like about it. I don't want to have to move or terminate our lease early because his family is nuts and can't be trusted. So YET AGAIN he has to call the landlord and say "No really, I mean it, DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SAY, THEY ARE CRAZY."

Funny thing is, they hated his ex's guts, and she hated his mom for being intrusive, now they are all buddies? And why? Because my boyfriends aunt has a bad heart and numerous surgeries, and my boyfriend didn't ask about her, when no one told him she was hospitalized again. But his ex did. The same person they called a selfish lying whore. But now she's ok in their book.

My bf spends half his week arguing with a mean ex who won't allow her daughter 50/50 time with him against his wishes and his daughters wishes, telling his mother over and over again to stop bringing groceries that end up not being something we need but something we have too much of, dealing with his crazy sister stirring up shit and dealing with me telling him I can't handle it anymore.

So far his sister is cut out of his life and he warned his mother he will shut her out again.

But then he says "when I had to go to councelling with her, she was so sad and depressed because I cut her out of my life when my daughter was born, and she sat and cried about it for a long time." So he doesn't want to shut her out again.

My answer? History repeats itself, she is never going to change if she hasn't in all this time.

I only hope things keep progressing towards making them stop the craziness, or making them stay the hell away from us.

This also perpetuates our wishes to move away. We are bonded here because of his daughter, but sometimes you have to do what is best for your sanity. She is welcome in our home anytime no matter where we are and no matter when. Same goes for if we move somewhere else.

If I were a religious person, I'd pray they go the fuck away. And that we could move peacefully and not start world war 3.

A small town is a vast hell.

another day, another direction...

So I have been seriously considering pursuing a photography job... I can still do some school. But honestly lately I've just been thinking about throwing myself out there. I applied for a few studio positions and a school photographer position. Hopefully something good comes along. Keep your fingers crossed...

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WHen you love somebody...

You find yourself doing things you never expected... like researching mediation and child custody issues... because sometimes, if someone wants to use the child to hurt you and demand support and refuse visitation, I am going to get mad. And I am going to get you. I will research every legal obligation. I will fill out every piece of paperwork.

I am getting a head start... I don't think she will know what hit her...

and she put the child's belongings in storage and moved herself and the child into a bedroom in her parent's house... My boyfriend has a room set up for the child, and in the child's own words: "I think she put it all in the storage space so that I couldn't have my stuff here and I wouldn't like you guys better."

From the mouths of babes...

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I know it's impossible to garner opinions on something that is only a few months in. I know everything I think is crazy and sane persons would probably talk me out of it. I am aware of the insanity and whirlwind surrounding me.

Yet, I do not care.

I'm 33 years old. Soon to be 34. I have in the past few years gave up caring about certain things. Marriage. Children. Soulmates.

The thing I never gave up on is that I would recognize the person for me when he appeared. I kept myself from thinking in that whole "maybe I'll settle for someone" way. I thought maybe I'd find a suitable person to stave off loneliness. I guess I had no idea what my future held, and I didn't care. I just enjoyed being ridiculous on a weekend basis, acting a fool, and disregarding responsibility.

Then he appeared. I ignored him at first. Hanging out as friends, as we had been, for years and years and years. I'd ask him where he was going after bar, he'd answer "wherever you are." I ignored it.

How did the fairytale happen?

Trust me, what I consider a fairytale isn't most peoples. Perhaps I paint everything in my head in a more vibrant light. There's still being broke, buying groceries, dealing with day to day annoyance, his occasional family drama, etc. I consider being annoyed by life part of the fairytale. Why I call it the fairytale? He wakes up, looks at me, tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me. No one has ever done that. Save for maybe one ex, back in high school. Beautiful isn't something I often hear. I take it rather well considering I am terrible with compliments. But he doesn't stop there. He tells me I have a wonderful soul. That I brighten his days. He loves waking up next to me or sleeping next to me.

Every. Single. Day.

Maybe we'll fade to being less cuddly, less sweet. Maybe we will become other people's version of "normal." But I don't think so. After all the times I've mocked others in their lovey dovey moments, now I am in them consantly.

Step 2. Moving in together September 1st.

Step 3. Discussion of our potential January engagement.

Step 4. Late May/Early June wedding in Vegas.

Life is strange.

Don't know what you got, til its go-o-o-o-ne

Thank you, Tom Kiefer.

So my newest annoyance in the land of ex-ville... she keeps texting him something everyday. Pictures of kitties. Pictures of him with "remember this?" Reminders about his favorite shows. he doesn't acknowledge any of it. I doubt she realizes I gave him his phone and he hates cell phones. The only reason he has it is because she let the cable/phone bill lapse. Good lord. I doubt she realizes that he hates bothering to figure out how to download pics so he just has me do it for him, so I see almost every message. I don't even care, its just funny...

What does bother me is the stalking. She doesn't know that my grandmother lives on her strafe pattern away from his house... I see you. Last time I saw her, my Nova was out front, having just took a shit, ruining my day, and then I saw her so I waved super big with a fake smile saying through my teeth "oh that's nice. Maybe she's stealing your mail too?" and waving like a Jackass.

I was in a bad mood. I was being cunty.

Other than that... things are good. Its mostly a mild irritation, mostly because of how poorly she treated him. Putting him down, calling him a loser, an asshole, a worthless prick. Who says that kind of stuff? I never called my ex an asshole until the very end... because I thought he was being one by not telling me we were over before dating someone else. I cared about my ex, and for some of his failings, he cared too. He may not have wanted to continue a relationship and held on too long, and I think that was because he didn't want to hurt me, and he made some poor choices. But Jesus, he never put me through the wringer like that, and trust me, he is smart enough and has the ability to. We had some spectacular fights but it wasn't until we were over. I was reeling in hurt and boy did we fight, but we didn't fight that ferociously when we were together. We fought all right but it wasn't as vicious as she is.

I feel lucky, yet I feel bad. I don't like what she did to him. I am glad he is picking himself up and realizing he is a worthy person, and he isn't awful and ugly and unlovable.

Because I love him.

And he loves me.

All in all, that's what really matters.