I love textsfromlastnight.com
Sometimes its ridiculously funny... sometimes its so true its funny.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Well what the fuck I might as well entertain you
with teasers of random, disconnected thoughts, as promised by the blog title.
"How do you know when you're in love?"
I looked at him as if he'd said the dumbest thing in the world.
"I'm serious. I really don't know. I think I love people. I may have loved them. My inability to say accurately that I was, in fact, in love with this girl makes me doubt that I know a fucking thing about love." He said.
"Love makes you want to puke at some point."
Now he stared at me like I was the idiot.
"Its true. Every time I think about when I was in love, I remember some sort of moment where I wanted to vomit. Either because I was nervous in their presence, excited to see them, or because something had gone wrong in our relationship, and it was crushing me. Big, ominous moments of wanting to grab the nearest garbage can and start hurling out my emotions at high velocity."
He looked like he thought about it for a minute, then seemed to shake it off in his head. "No, that seems a bit extreme. Besides, you're still single. What does that say about love and vomit to you?"
"maybe its more accurate to say it feels like being gutted like a hunter's prey hanging in a front yard. Its definitely a feeling in the torso."
"How do you know when you're in love?"
I looked at him as if he'd said the dumbest thing in the world.
"I'm serious. I really don't know. I think I love people. I may have loved them. My inability to say accurately that I was, in fact, in love with this girl makes me doubt that I know a fucking thing about love." He said.
"Love makes you want to puke at some point."
Now he stared at me like I was the idiot.
"Its true. Every time I think about when I was in love, I remember some sort of moment where I wanted to vomit. Either because I was nervous in their presence, excited to see them, or because something had gone wrong in our relationship, and it was crushing me. Big, ominous moments of wanting to grab the nearest garbage can and start hurling out my emotions at high velocity."
He looked like he thought about it for a minute, then seemed to shake it off in his head. "No, that seems a bit extreme. Besides, you're still single. What does that say about love and vomit to you?"
"maybe its more accurate to say it feels like being gutted like a hunter's prey hanging in a front yard. Its definitely a feeling in the torso."
You got me wondering why I, I like it rough, I like it rough
Yes, I am quoting Lady Gaga.
This could be taken many ways.
A. I like love that's damn near impossible, against the odds, etc.
B. I like "it" rough.
Take your pick.
"The one you love and the one that loves you are never, ever the same person." from 'Invisible Monsters'
This doesn't always ring true, but as of right now, it does. Why? Well, I have had a serious case of the "likes" for the same grumpy curmudgeon who is stuck in his ways for years. What's holding us back? We're both deathly afraid of each other. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Maybe we'll drive each other nuts and end up apart anyways. Maybe we'd do good things for each other (like smoothing each other's rough edges). Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
Maybe maybe maybe.
Does it say anything too that I am one of the few people that can really take him to task? He often listens to me. I can usually keep up with whatever goofy ass tangent he's on, and somehow, for some reason, I like his weird, zany self. I mean he's out there. (Don't even point a finger at me, I know people say that about me too). Well kids, it ain't gonna change unless one of us changes it. And so help me God, I try. I do. But I cannot beat down his door, jump in his lap, and tell him "Fuck it lets just do this thing."
So what am I doing? Spending my time with someone else teaching them the finer details in the dominant vs. submissive game. I'm constantly asking myself what I am doing. Yes, there is chemistry that way. He annoys the crap out of me often. If we ever truly dated, we'd argue a lot. Heck, sometimes I don't even LIKE him. But a person has needs, and he's fufilling them.
We've had numerous conversations about this, and I think he finally gets it. I get it, anyways. There is no "us."
Plus, let's just say that helps the writing process. Or at least, the creative process.
I can't even believe I've committed that to written word. I've admitted it. *sigh*
Back to the writing process. I think its time to try outlines.
This could be taken many ways.
A. I like love that's damn near impossible, against the odds, etc.
B. I like "it" rough.
Take your pick.
"The one you love and the one that loves you are never, ever the same person." from 'Invisible Monsters'
This doesn't always ring true, but as of right now, it does. Why? Well, I have had a serious case of the "likes" for the same grumpy curmudgeon who is stuck in his ways for years. What's holding us back? We're both deathly afraid of each other. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Maybe we'll drive each other nuts and end up apart anyways. Maybe we'd do good things for each other (like smoothing each other's rough edges). Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
Maybe maybe maybe.
Does it say anything too that I am one of the few people that can really take him to task? He often listens to me. I can usually keep up with whatever goofy ass tangent he's on, and somehow, for some reason, I like his weird, zany self. I mean he's out there. (Don't even point a finger at me, I know people say that about me too). Well kids, it ain't gonna change unless one of us changes it. And so help me God, I try. I do. But I cannot beat down his door, jump in his lap, and tell him "Fuck it lets just do this thing."
So what am I doing? Spending my time with someone else teaching them the finer details in the dominant vs. submissive game. I'm constantly asking myself what I am doing. Yes, there is chemistry that way. He annoys the crap out of me often. If we ever truly dated, we'd argue a lot. Heck, sometimes I don't even LIKE him. But a person has needs, and he's fufilling them.
We've had numerous conversations about this, and I think he finally gets it. I get it, anyways. There is no "us."
Plus, let's just say that helps the writing process. Or at least, the creative process.
I can't even believe I've committed that to written word. I've admitted it. *sigh*
Back to the writing process. I think its time to try outlines.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I think I've seen everything...
"Hi there! I'm smiling like I'm getting my senior picture taken while wearing this getup!" At least he's happy and confident in who he is... I mean, just look at that SMILE!
I got a message from someone on OKC... I told him about the cross dresser who wanted me to verbally berate him while he went downtown... he told me about the wheelchair hottie who had such specific taste, he feared that she'd never get what she wants. But, if she did, he'd gladly shake her hand.
Now before you say "what the hell" or think that there is any judgement against the girl in the wheelchair, there isn't. The first sentence of her profile explained that she was born premature and that she uses a wheelchair, getting that out of the way. Pretty much saying if you don't like it, don't read further. He told me her profile was quite funny, she had a great sense of humor. She's bisexual.
Here comes the odd part.
As we've mentioned before, children. So this girl is not looking for men. Its flattering but no. He keeps reading anyways, she's got an engaging profile and a quick wit.
She's specifically hoping to meet a pregnant woman.
So let's get this straight:
A bisexual girl who uses a wheelchair to get around, wants a pregnant lesbian.
I can't believe she's that specific in her desires. But you know what? Good for her. She's putting out there exactly what she wants. She's not settling.
the internet's corners always find ways to entertain me at any hour.
I find that some dating profiles are so specific it boggles the mind.
Which says to me, I can be as specific as I want.
I should write down "If you're not afraid to do something that any sane person would call stupid, make videos pretending to be spies, get hurt in the name of entertainment or live a life hovering somewhere short of Hunter S. Thompson's life... then message me. If you want to make small talk with me by telling me to smile or asking if I'm bored at the bar... you should definitely not."
I'm not against men who are older than me. To the contrary. But this new influx of older men, who look more fatherly... men who look older than my own damn dad. making inane small talk. "You look bored." WOW. Or "Do you hate men or people in general?" either they're smiling and rambling on about something boring, thinking they're in like flynn, or they're getting insulting because I have tired of playing nice, and the sarcasm comes out. There's young ones too. It's like, I can tell in 4 words we have nothing in common. They still try to work it though.
I know that small talk is a skill. And honestly, if you don't look like you were born in the 40s, have something in common with me, however little, and want to talk about something even MINUTELY interesting, I will give you a bit of my attention. If you are incessantly tapping my shoulder, then asking if i wanna hear a "ballin' jam" or saying "you're nicer than your friend, she's a bitch" because I haven't lost my temper and screamed at you yet... yeah fuck you. I got a guy kicked out of a bar because he touched my cousins back, gave her the icks, started doing the tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-TAP on my shoulder while I ignored him, shushed him when he interrupted conversation, and finally just said "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP YOU ARE BEING SUPER RUDE INTERRUPTING EVERYONE ELSE WHO'S TALKING!!!"
Maybe that douchebag was right, maybe I hate people in general, because I get equally annoyed by rude people of either gender.
Today I waited on a table of 5 adults. They spent 50 dollars in food. I brought their food out, bussed the table when they left... They didn't leave a God Damn dime.
Really? Because I was very pleasant to them, and I made sure they had everything they needed, offered dessert, what have you.
People just irritate the living fuck out of me.
Two guys who came in and drank a few beers made up for it. Far as I could tell at least one was a firefighter. The other one, he made a few jokes about being drunk after 2 beers and made lots of eye contact. WHY THE HELL did I have to be wearing a hoodie and a baseball hat?!
They tipped quite well.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Have you ever noticed that every interaction between us reminds me of one of those movies from the 40s?" He looks at me puzzled. "Seriously, it's like you're very forceful with me, you're the man, you know what's best, I try to thwart your advances, you overtake me anyways." He gets a self-satisfied grin, and nods "Oh yeah."
"Well, knock it off, you don't get to win today." I tell him matter-of-factly.
"Are you sure?" he says to me, grabbing me around the waist and squeezing me so hard I swear one of my ribs is going to break.
"Well, if you break my spine, nobody's going to be happy."
I keep getting random story ideas, random thought processes, random spurts of writing. I write in such a haphazard way. I realized this when talking about the writing process with a friend. He has high aspirations to write novels, informative books, etc. One day at his house quite a while ago I grabbed one of his yellow pads off the couch and started to peruse it while he was in the bathroom. He came back out, snatched it out of my hand and told me I couldn't read it. But he relented anyways. He's driven by ego and I think he was proud of what he'd started. It was a labyrinth of plot points, an outline, a cohesive, organized idea pattern. I told him I couldn't even fathom writing like that. I can't. Why? Because sometimes its like I'm channeling something else. I can't explain it, its like watching a movie, I have some control over where its going to go but conversations and ideas flow really organically. I just sit there and it goes around and around in my head. I could stand some outlining though, I have some mildly entertaining excerpts but no real congealed story. He was almost envious.
Maybe I should start working harder at making a plot outline... yes, odd (read: fucked up) stories drive the book and the reader... but it needs to fill a format and leave a person with a sense of a beginning, a middle, an end.
Work work work.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Here comes the sun, and I say, its all right.
So I have an idea. I was thinking of taking the one semester massage therapy courses. I will still go to school for art education, it just gives me one more potential outlet to make money. And not a bad thing either. Maybe I'll get over the feeling of being icked out by strangers.
Also, I want to go to Milwaukee. When I'm finished with school, I discussed moving back to NM with a friend. Maybe Arizona. We'll see.
I am always wondering what the next step is... I just think Milwaukee would be better for me as a person than Whitewater. I think I'd feel like I was accomplishing more. I've had some friends move there. I think I'd even try out for their roller derby.
I just feel like maybe the feeling of slight stagnation and sometimes wondering how the hell I'll get by is part of the optimism I have about my future... I am not tied to things the same. My house is rented. I have a place to live, but no lease so I can go anytime. I have much to look forward to. And a lot of times I think getting out of this area is the biggest step forward I can make.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob...
Expert textpert choking smokers, don't you think the joker laughs at you? See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how the snide... I'm crying...
I was listening to that this morning.
I think I want to save people from themselves too much sometimes. I care too much about people. What do I do when I find a drunken friend who has apparently fallen and cut themselves, who must have pissed off the people they were with so badly they got abandoned, wandered away, and showed up where I happen to be?
Well, friends... I take care of that person. I have done it times before, I'll do it times again. I don't resent it or become aggravated by it. I am seldom in such situations but I would hope that if I was, that someone like me would be around to help.
Maybe its karma. I don't think its actually sunk into his head yet how lucky he was I was there... he could have ended up with some strange person... He could have hit on some lady and gotten into some world of trouble. Instead his friend took care of him and he's sitting there wondering exactly what the hell he did to himself.
Someday I may not be there. Someday I may tire of these antics and abandon one of them myself. Some day I might have a life outside of getting drinks after covering someone's shift at the restaurant and going into a bar to say hi to a friend who's working. Someday I might not be there, will they notice? Any of them?
Probably.
They'll either get their shit together, all of them, or they'll grow stagnant and repeat the same behaviors over and over. If they end up doing the latter, some other soul with a heart of gold will step into my shoes and take care of them.
Because by then I'll be long gone.
I think they're here to teach me something. I don't often tap into my gooey center and my instinctual nature. It reminds me sometimes why I like who I am so much. Yes, lots of people think I'm a pushover. I do hold my ground but only if I deem it worthwhile. But I will always help someone.
One of these friends mothers whom I work with/for said that I've got something different than the guys she sees me hanging around with, the ones she knows. She says I have some semblance of responsibility. I take care of things I need to take care of. I do what is expected of me and squeeze my partying/drinking into times that are convenient and outside of time when I am expected to be somewhere or have to get up in the morning.
You know I love those guys... they're lucky I'm around sometimes... but I can't be there forever.
In other news, I have yet to run into someone who gets my heart all aflutter recently. Its too bad. He's another one of those emotionally stunted cases, knows what he feels but is too chicken/stubborn/stuck in his ways to do anything about it.
See, I just don't sit around waiting for these people to figure it out.
In that vein, more lyrics:
It's not what you thought, when you first began it. You got what you want, now you can hardly stand it though, by now you know it's not going to stop... 'Til you wise up.
You're sure there's a cure, and you have finally found it. You think one drink will shrink you 'til you're underground and living down...
I was listening to that this morning.
I think I want to save people from themselves too much sometimes. I care too much about people. What do I do when I find a drunken friend who has apparently fallen and cut themselves, who must have pissed off the people they were with so badly they got abandoned, wandered away, and showed up where I happen to be?
Well, friends... I take care of that person. I have done it times before, I'll do it times again. I don't resent it or become aggravated by it. I am seldom in such situations but I would hope that if I was, that someone like me would be around to help.
Maybe its karma. I don't think its actually sunk into his head yet how lucky he was I was there... he could have ended up with some strange person... He could have hit on some lady and gotten into some world of trouble. Instead his friend took care of him and he's sitting there wondering exactly what the hell he did to himself.
Someday I may not be there. Someday I may tire of these antics and abandon one of them myself. Some day I might have a life outside of getting drinks after covering someone's shift at the restaurant and going into a bar to say hi to a friend who's working. Someday I might not be there, will they notice? Any of them?
Probably.
They'll either get their shit together, all of them, or they'll grow stagnant and repeat the same behaviors over and over. If they end up doing the latter, some other soul with a heart of gold will step into my shoes and take care of them.
Because by then I'll be long gone.
I think they're here to teach me something. I don't often tap into my gooey center and my instinctual nature. It reminds me sometimes why I like who I am so much. Yes, lots of people think I'm a pushover. I do hold my ground but only if I deem it worthwhile. But I will always help someone.
One of these friends mothers whom I work with/for said that I've got something different than the guys she sees me hanging around with, the ones she knows. She says I have some semblance of responsibility. I take care of things I need to take care of. I do what is expected of me and squeeze my partying/drinking into times that are convenient and outside of time when I am expected to be somewhere or have to get up in the morning.
You know I love those guys... they're lucky I'm around sometimes... but I can't be there forever.
In other news, I have yet to run into someone who gets my heart all aflutter recently. Its too bad. He's another one of those emotionally stunted cases, knows what he feels but is too chicken/stubborn/stuck in his ways to do anything about it.
See, I just don't sit around waiting for these people to figure it out.
In that vein, more lyrics:
It's not what you thought, when you first began it. You got what you want, now you can hardly stand it though, by now you know it's not going to stop... 'Til you wise up.
You're sure there's a cure, and you have finally found it. You think one drink will shrink you 'til you're underground and living down...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Oh fuck, welcome to perfect timing...
So I got done with work, went to say Hi to my cousin at the bar she works at, and got a wild hair to go buy Beatles Rock Band with tip money I had received.
See, yesterday, we were playing the game and the xbox got kicked over. This is what happens when drunk people play video games. The disc I had got scratched super bad. I had a premonition... I just thought "Why in the world would that fall over?" Stupid me.
So I ventured to Walmart, too tired to drink, converse, or be social with friends, I figured I'd scour the empty store and get the game, go back home, etc.
I didn't realize it was New Moon release day. Not like there was a bunch of people in there... just a few really annoying teenagers... they were just ridiculous. I can't even explain. Also, they were doing a running commentary on the Batman demo game... wow. They aren't very smart, witty or funny. But they sure as hell thought they were.
As far as me being in there during a release of a Twilight Saga movie... yeah wouldn't have planned that. (And its making me hate the word "saga" because its always mentioned as the Twilight Saga in the media. Saga. Barfa.)
Its the principle. I now look like some deranged twilighter who needs New Moon right now. And I'm not ripping on the franchise. People love it. People that I love love it. I just think that too much hype of anything is irritating. I couldn't even hear the name "Britney" for quite a while because I got overload of Ms. Spears. I don't think that teeny bopper fiction books are a horrible thing. even with the unrealistic expectations or scenarios. Yes, no one does anything naughty. Whatever. I'd rather have teenage girls waiting to have sex with someone than just doing it with some douchebag boyfriend who says they should. Its not a horrible mark on society like some would have it made out to be. It's not properly written. Well, its a teen novel series. Its not a Greek epic. Its not meant for adults either, though it is widely enjoyed by adults.
So I work around the small scatterings of people and find the games I want in the case.
So I get the guy to unlock the thing for me. There's a woman with her 2 copies of New Moon, some poster thing, and a shitty look on her face at the register. I walk up with the clerk. Note. The clerk has my games. He begins ringing them up. I am using cash for Beatles and my debit card for the other, reduced price game. The woman sniffs at this. You know, that sound coming out of someone's nose that says "Oh, REALLY she gets to go first?" I just went along with what the clerk is doing. Mind you, the guy has a mild disability. I'm willing to be patient. Not Ms. Nasal cavity chorus. She starts to make more audible sounds. and shes standing like within a foot of me. Its making me uncomfortable. at this point I don't know what the fuck she wants me to do. And continuing to shuffle her feet and sigh loudly, sniffing, exhaling, whatever the fuck she's doing is getting aggravating.
So he isn't the fastest clerk in the world. Give the guy a break. She starts snorting. I am serious that is the only way to explain that sound. I just want to clock her alongside the head... but more than that, I want to get the fuck away and go play video games in solace.
I really hate people sometimes.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Cue the carosel music.
I talked out lots of things with someone I was pissed at. I was only pissed because of his way of dealing with his own feelings... the silent treatment. We talked a lot. He apologized for his way of coping... I am a forgiving sort. I explained a lot of things too. I think he was under the impression that I deluded myself in some sort of way. It was refreshing to talk to him like a friend again. I have missed that part. We are fated to never be something other than friends, so I'm glad that didn't disappear.
Someone else reminded me of my value as a human being. Yet another has not said much, but been in contact. 2 of the 3 have directly tried to remind me that I have needs as a person... I am trying to stay away from such activities. Seriously. I need to stay home and away from everyone for a while. Yeah, this is vague. I will blog when I feel there's something more to say.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Muffin top... ha ha ha
OHMYGOD, blueberry muffin top cereal ROCKS. Take this moment to laugh to yourself that I am eating something called "muffin top" at almost 3 am.
Done? Good.
It's still unbelievably delicious. I got it at Kwik Trip. I think I should just start living off this, maybe I'd lose weight. Maybe if I didn't eat at 3 am. Maybe if I was that concerned, I'd change some habits.
I cannot wait to get my bicycle. I hope its not going to be in the way in the garage. It's a really nice Trek bike that my mom bought but seldom uses. Spring is here! I had the window open and the Beatles cranked! I heard "Here Comes The Sun" and it was like magic. Go ahead and scoff. I'm so fucking sick of winter that if it suddenly came back tomorrow you might have to put me on suicide watch. I AM DONE WITH WINTER.
I hope I can get some tattoos soon. Seriously jonesing for the Cantonese "Chicken with Rice" tattoo on my ankle. Also considering the chubby bird (Anyone who's seen my car knows what that looks like, but if you don't, leave a comment saying so and I'll post a pic from my old laptop, it has a chubby bird sticker on it).
We'll see if I can handle the pain.
St. Patrick's Day... if I didn;t have to be in Madison and in school learning, I'd consider doing one of those St. Pat's all day benders. Never done it before. :)
We'll see what happens after school...
I'd love to go to the Downtown Janesville bars, I'm sure Kilted men will be out... but, I don't like driving when I want to drink. Guess I'll be hitting downtown Edgerton. Maybe one stop on State Street before going home... see what the crazy kids are up to.
Now, my milk is working, I'm feeling sleepy...
Done? Good.
It's still unbelievably delicious. I got it at Kwik Trip. I think I should just start living off this, maybe I'd lose weight. Maybe if I didn't eat at 3 am. Maybe if I was that concerned, I'd change some habits.
I cannot wait to get my bicycle. I hope its not going to be in the way in the garage. It's a really nice Trek bike that my mom bought but seldom uses. Spring is here! I had the window open and the Beatles cranked! I heard "Here Comes The Sun" and it was like magic. Go ahead and scoff. I'm so fucking sick of winter that if it suddenly came back tomorrow you might have to put me on suicide watch. I AM DONE WITH WINTER.
I hope I can get some tattoos soon. Seriously jonesing for the Cantonese "Chicken with Rice" tattoo on my ankle. Also considering the chubby bird (Anyone who's seen my car knows what that looks like, but if you don't, leave a comment saying so and I'll post a pic from my old laptop, it has a chubby bird sticker on it).
We'll see if I can handle the pain.
St. Patrick's Day... if I didn;t have to be in Madison and in school learning, I'd consider doing one of those St. Pat's all day benders. Never done it before. :)
We'll see what happens after school...
I'd love to go to the Downtown Janesville bars, I'm sure Kilted men will be out... but, I don't like driving when I want to drink. Guess I'll be hitting downtown Edgerton. Maybe one stop on State Street before going home... see what the crazy kids are up to.
Now, my milk is working, I'm feeling sleepy...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I just keep coming back for more.
I can't believe the whole online dating thing. I don't know. I guess it may work. I just keep coming back to it. Someone added me as a favorite and would like me to know. So what did I do? Send a message? Ask a question? Go the chicken route and send a virtual wink? Nope. I did the exact same maneuver. Added him as a favorite and let him know. I am SO FUCKING PROACTIVE.
So I'm getting messages from 18 year olds who "aren't ready for a commitment but looking to date casually." *SIGH* What the fuck? REALLY? Sure sonny boy, let me show you the way of the world, let me teach you. No thanks. I have some sort of issue with this. Though deflowering nerds would be kind of fun... I like nerds and geeks way more. Oh my god. Could you imagine a skinny nerdy kid falling for me? I can't but you never know. My 19 year old cousin moved in with a chick with a 6 year old who's close to my age... He's not geeky though, he's all metal and stuff.
Now I'm saving people as favorites and age discriminating. Oh, Mr. 24-year-old, you're cute, but it's just not gonna work for me. I do not need any more hassles from the younger generation, who don't have their shit figured out, or don't want to take me seriously or appreciate me for who I am.
Distractions.
"Firewall" is on the TV at work... Harrison Ford is getting all... Harrison Ford. :)
I'm tired and wish I were outside. Maybe tomorrow will be nice and I can go to Madison early.
So I'm getting messages from 18 year olds who "aren't ready for a commitment but looking to date casually." *SIGH* What the fuck? REALLY? Sure sonny boy, let me show you the way of the world, let me teach you. No thanks. I have some sort of issue with this. Though deflowering nerds would be kind of fun... I like nerds and geeks way more. Oh my god. Could you imagine a skinny nerdy kid falling for me? I can't but you never know. My 19 year old cousin moved in with a chick with a 6 year old who's close to my age... He's not geeky though, he's all metal and stuff.
Now I'm saving people as favorites and age discriminating. Oh, Mr. 24-year-old, you're cute, but it's just not gonna work for me. I do not need any more hassles from the younger generation, who don't have their shit figured out, or don't want to take me seriously or appreciate me for who I am.
Distractions.
"Firewall" is on the TV at work... Harrison Ford is getting all... Harrison Ford. :)
I'm tired and wish I were outside. Maybe tomorrow will be nice and I can go to Madison early.
Is it really a fetish if you just like it a whole bunch?
I am still awake, still browsing shoes. I think it's time to admit I have a problem. A shoe problem. I love them. I love them so much. I want them all. I love love love love love love love shoes. Heels especially lately. Which is not going to be conducive to my love life considering I'm already 5'6" and I'll be towering over some of my potential paramours.
But God almighty do I love shoes. I am looking for the perfect pair of ankle-strap "sandal" style pumps with a small platform on the ball of the foot. The larger the platform is (and higher the heel is) the more "exotic dancer" I feel they look. It's just not a look I can pull off with any mastery. I probably just look like a tool.
I put the ones in the hallway on a lot though. I can actually walk in them. They probably make me close to 6 feet tall. But lord help me if I stepped wrong in those... holy shit. I'd break an ankle or take someone out.
this is the exact shoes I am talking about.
http://www.funkypair.com/6inchopentoeplatformsexyshoe.aspx
I found them on the internet due to the brand name.
I think I have a full blown shoe fetish. I need to go to a support group. Shoeaholics anonymous? I LOVE SHOES. Sneakers, heels, Converse, boots, Doc Martens...
You are "Cowgirl"
Yeah I took some random quiz/survey thing and it came up with that.
Like I need to think about such things.
People around me are getting action... me, not so much.
I'm watching my guy friends come into their own of actually getting some chicks (if not just making out with them on the streets in downtown Edgerton. BWAHAHAHA) I am being very very very very choosy in any endeavors of the loins these days. (because I wouldn't go so far as to say they are endeavors of the heart). I think something's wrong with me because I turned down a very tempting no-strings offer. Why? My head's wrapped around something else, and if I'm not 1000% into the idea, I'm going to suck at it.
I've got to get up earlier than usual (which isn't early to anyone with a normal schedule). But I'm not sleepy. Suck. It's my 12-hour day.
Its almost 3 am. Fuck you Daylight Savings.
I quoted Matchbox 20 on my Facebook. WEIRD. "I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me." I know I have in the past... but probably not in the past few years. There's only one possible exception... I'm not so deluded that I think that anyone really loves me these days. I guess we'll see if it ever comes around for me.
Another male friend is on the "off again" with his gf. I don't even know what to think of those two, they've been doing this for years.
Is it a new moon?
Like I need to think about such things.
People around me are getting action... me, not so much.
I'm watching my guy friends come into their own of actually getting some chicks (if not just making out with them on the streets in downtown Edgerton. BWAHAHAHA) I am being very very very very choosy in any endeavors of the loins these days. (because I wouldn't go so far as to say they are endeavors of the heart). I think something's wrong with me because I turned down a very tempting no-strings offer. Why? My head's wrapped around something else, and if I'm not 1000% into the idea, I'm going to suck at it.
I've got to get up earlier than usual (which isn't early to anyone with a normal schedule). But I'm not sleepy. Suck. It's my 12-hour day.
Its almost 3 am. Fuck you Daylight Savings.
I quoted Matchbox 20 on my Facebook. WEIRD. "I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me." I know I have in the past... but probably not in the past few years. There's only one possible exception... I'm not so deluded that I think that anyone really loves me these days. I guess we'll see if it ever comes around for me.
Another male friend is on the "off again" with his gf. I don't even know what to think of those two, they've been doing this for years.
Is it a new moon?
Monday, March 15, 2010
So take me tonight I'm yours, and I've been craving your company
Got the new Langhorne Slim today. Just found out after a visit to Lindsay's that it was out. Loving it.
We're floatin' out, fallin'
somewhere in outer space
I'll keep on loving you
You know me better than the rest
Maybe we should flip a coin and hold our breath
Went on a little shopping excursion today. Either I'm excited its spring or I'm depressed. One may never know. I bought peep toe pumps with chrome heels. OH YEAH! Also got red skinny jeans with holes in them. Kinda ridiculous, but I shop at Plato's closet because I'm too poor for new clothes. I can still look good. :)
You ever feel like a fish out of water?
Well, I do, sometimes
You ever feel like a lamb out to slaughter?
I have in my mind
You ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?
You ever live through a Wisconsin winter?
Still, you had to go outside
You ever lose to feel like the winner?
Nothing could f*** with your pride
Tell me, you ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?
You ever feel like a fish out of water?
I do, sometimes
So I'm considering something really left field. I am considering going to school for massage therapy. I won't stop going for art education, I'll just get this certificate while I go and maybe, potentially make money. I probably won't be able to do it this spring, it will probably be fall. I should talk to someone at school about it. I think it would be good. My dad told me a few times I should go into the field. I can probably get over the icks of touching strangers. I mean, its gotta be like acting, or changing diapers. You just go into another state, like a professional state. (yes, I get barfy when I have to change diapers, its quite the procedure for me to change them. I seriously would not want to barf on someone's child).
It's at least semi-decent money.
I have a dream to be a teacher but outlook isn't so hopeful these days... I will keep plugging away at it. Maybe if I do this in the process I'll be in a better financial situation. I could either do massage out of home or in other people's homes if I were to invest in a table... or I can get a job at a spa or a place around here. We'll see.
We're floatin' out, fallin'
somewhere in outer space
I'll keep on loving you
You know me better than the rest
Maybe we should flip a coin and hold our breath
Went on a little shopping excursion today. Either I'm excited its spring or I'm depressed. One may never know. I bought peep toe pumps with chrome heels. OH YEAH! Also got red skinny jeans with holes in them. Kinda ridiculous, but I shop at Plato's closet because I'm too poor for new clothes. I can still look good. :)
You ever feel like a fish out of water?
Well, I do, sometimes
You ever feel like a lamb out to slaughter?
I have in my mind
You ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?
You ever live through a Wisconsin winter?
Still, you had to go outside
You ever lose to feel like the winner?
Nothing could f*** with your pride
Tell me, you ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?
You ever feel like a fish out of water?
I do, sometimes
So I'm considering something really left field. I am considering going to school for massage therapy. I won't stop going for art education, I'll just get this certificate while I go and maybe, potentially make money. I probably won't be able to do it this spring, it will probably be fall. I should talk to someone at school about it. I think it would be good. My dad told me a few times I should go into the field. I can probably get over the icks of touching strangers. I mean, its gotta be like acting, or changing diapers. You just go into another state, like a professional state. (yes, I get barfy when I have to change diapers, its quite the procedure for me to change them. I seriously would not want to barf on someone's child).
It's at least semi-decent money.
I have a dream to be a teacher but outlook isn't so hopeful these days... I will keep plugging away at it. Maybe if I do this in the process I'll be in a better financial situation. I could either do massage out of home or in other people's homes if I were to invest in a table... or I can get a job at a spa or a place around here. We'll see.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way I don't wanna wake up from you
I had the weirdest dream.
I was at some sort of large party with a certain someone. We were just both talking to people, hanging out, etc. Then, I started talking to a woman, who was supposed to be his mother. He walked over, put his arm around me, and said to her "I'm not really missing out on everything." smiled at me, smiled at her, then walked away. I have no idea what that means.
I also had a weird dream that I am so writing into a short story. It pretty much involved my grandparents not being my real grandparents and I actually came from some weird grandparents in florida with lots of money.
Dreams have been vivid lately. I am still tired a lot and not sleeping when I should, but at least I know REM sleep is coming, which is the one you need to avoid going insane.
Also had a dream that the person I referred to as a tragic waste of skin came up behind me, put his hands on my hips, gave me this look, and was pretty much asking me back to his house. I was not turning around because I didn't want to look at him, but I felt him get close to my hair so I spun around and said "that ship has sailed." and stormed out.
I also gave up hope again on finding some sort of other half. At least temporarily. It just annoys the shit out of me.
Plus, seems no one can figure out how to deal with me in a manner that doesn't annoy the fucking shit out of me.
I was at some sort of large party with a certain someone. We were just both talking to people, hanging out, etc. Then, I started talking to a woman, who was supposed to be his mother. He walked over, put his arm around me, and said to her "I'm not really missing out on everything." smiled at me, smiled at her, then walked away. I have no idea what that means.
I also had a weird dream that I am so writing into a short story. It pretty much involved my grandparents not being my real grandparents and I actually came from some weird grandparents in florida with lots of money.
Dreams have been vivid lately. I am still tired a lot and not sleeping when I should, but at least I know REM sleep is coming, which is the one you need to avoid going insane.
Also had a dream that the person I referred to as a tragic waste of skin came up behind me, put his hands on my hips, gave me this look, and was pretty much asking me back to his house. I was not turning around because I didn't want to look at him, but I felt him get close to my hair so I spun around and said "that ship has sailed." and stormed out.
I also gave up hope again on finding some sort of other half. At least temporarily. It just annoys the shit out of me.
Plus, seems no one can figure out how to deal with me in a manner that doesn't annoy the fucking shit out of me.
So the subject of children keeps coming up...
You can tell when something is the right idea, maybe not immediately, but someday. Even if it feels like it kills you at the time.
My ex and I (the one I lived with in his house, who constantly stated such, to remind me that we weren't really in this together) had a discussion around age 25 for me, 27 for him. I was told he was never having children. MAYBE he'd reconsider, but in almost all cases, no. NO KIDS. I was sad about this... we'd been together for years. I didn't need marriage or the promise of financial support, I just wanted to know if it was even a possibility. Our upbringings shape us as people, so he had the constant thought process that someone was just going to screw him in the end no matter if he loved them or not, and I had the thought that couples should trust each other and work towards marriage, believe in each other and support each other no matter what. One of us is from divorced parents, one married parents. We also had different thoughts on what's good for the individual vs what's good for everything. But of course, that's all in the past.
People always get the wrong impression from him. I'm not saying he's right in all his beliefs, trust me it was the cause of fights. But he is not a bad person. He just wasn't meant to be with me. When we first met back in school he thought I was outrageous, but kinda nifty. He chided my current boyfriend at the time for saying I was embarrassing. He told me I was unlike anyone he ever knew. I know he fell in love with independent me, and I loved responsible him. We had a lot of wonderful times together, and I still have yet to meet someone who understands truly STUPID humor. We used to laugh about everything. Its still there because a couple of times, I talked to him and something ridiculous happened, and I noticed both of us snicker and cover our mouths... something I started doing when I realized NO ONE ELSE gets why its funny. Then we looked at each other and laughed really hard. I could tell he'd still been laughing... like me... without someone to share it with. I'm not in love with him, I still like him as a friend. But everything we were was dictated by him and I feel we're better apart. I also think he probably learned some life lessons and had experiences, maybe grew up more after we parted. I certainly did, I brought myself back from the dead and found my old self after our breakup.
He didn't want kids. He didn't want marriage. He wanted everything he worked for in his name. We got in a fight because I wanted him to leave a will leaving his house to his sister and father. I had nightmares about this stuff. His mom and I were on the not-speaking terms by the time the relationship ended. I know a lot had to do with me looking out for him. I think his mother took it the wrong way. I didn't WANT anything of his... I just wanted to make sure that in the event that he died, the most empathetic people to my situation would be in control of his property. So I could have time to grieve, to find a new place to live... etc. (Yes, I actually thought that even though I had helped on this house and so had my father, that I'd be kicked out in the event of my ex's death. Like, the next day, due to the fact that he didn't really own his house, in legal sense).
I hoped for the best, got the worst, the relationship ended, I felt disemboweled. But with the death of that relationship I felt was the death of my ability to have children. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it hasn't proven otherwise. We'll call him #2 to clarify... seeing as how this is the internet, I ain't using names. And in this reference #2 will make sense.
So upon getting the news that he's having a baby with the new girlfriend, a friend was concerned of how I would take this news. She was considerate in that. She was worried it would bug me. Yes, I was with him for 8 of my child-bearing years. But, I had already adjusted to how things are going to be from this point forward.
I took it well considering that I had heard she was on his case about having kids before she got too old, that she wanted to get married, etc. etc. (all normal things to most of the population). I figured that's what was going to happen.
Also, one of my exes (we'll call him #1) had already gotten married, and had a baby. That was my first dealing with the "it could have been me" thoughts and all that weird crap that goes through a woman's head. Maybe some sort of crazy biological thing.
Now I'm pretty sure I'll never have kids. I know women can have them all the way up to 40. But I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I also explained this in depth to my grandma tonight... she was on that "get married have kids" kick she gets on. I was like "Oh no, Erik (my cousin) is taking that bullet for me!" He married his high school sweetheart and they're expecting their first baby now. She had also tried to explain it as being the end of my family line, for my mother and father... they only had one child, i have none. Grandma, that isn't really an argument.
#1's baby made me think, because we talked about what a kid would look like. #2 isn't so bad, although I had once talked to him when he was kinda drunk and he was saying our kids would be cute brunettes with green eyes. and I had picked out a name for a boy or girl. I got to this thought process of "I'm never having kids" and people I've had fleeting quasi-relationships with since the end of #2 have said things like this to me:
"Unless you've accidentally got (name withheld) junior growing in your belly right now."
"We would have the freckliest babies ever"
"Man you're strong. But I'm stronger. Our kids would be brutes."
"You'd be a great mom, you don't need some nitwit like me to tell you that. Wait, maybe you will be."
"Do you ever think being with me is going to hurt your chances of being a mom someday?"
Really. This baffles me.
maybe men have some weird thing in their heads that makes them get a biological clock of sorts.
There have been those that say nothing about it. But oddly there are enough of them who actually are mentioning it, that it seems weird to me.
I wonder if I can get my tubes tied... Cause do I ever really need kids?
Strange...
My ex and I (the one I lived with in his house, who constantly stated such, to remind me that we weren't really in this together) had a discussion around age 25 for me, 27 for him. I was told he was never having children. MAYBE he'd reconsider, but in almost all cases, no. NO KIDS. I was sad about this... we'd been together for years. I didn't need marriage or the promise of financial support, I just wanted to know if it was even a possibility. Our upbringings shape us as people, so he had the constant thought process that someone was just going to screw him in the end no matter if he loved them or not, and I had the thought that couples should trust each other and work towards marriage, believe in each other and support each other no matter what. One of us is from divorced parents, one married parents. We also had different thoughts on what's good for the individual vs what's good for everything. But of course, that's all in the past.
People always get the wrong impression from him. I'm not saying he's right in all his beliefs, trust me it was the cause of fights. But he is not a bad person. He just wasn't meant to be with me. When we first met back in school he thought I was outrageous, but kinda nifty. He chided my current boyfriend at the time for saying I was embarrassing. He told me I was unlike anyone he ever knew. I know he fell in love with independent me, and I loved responsible him. We had a lot of wonderful times together, and I still have yet to meet someone who understands truly STUPID humor. We used to laugh about everything. Its still there because a couple of times, I talked to him and something ridiculous happened, and I noticed both of us snicker and cover our mouths... something I started doing when I realized NO ONE ELSE gets why its funny. Then we looked at each other and laughed really hard. I could tell he'd still been laughing... like me... without someone to share it with. I'm not in love with him, I still like him as a friend. But everything we were was dictated by him and I feel we're better apart. I also think he probably learned some life lessons and had experiences, maybe grew up more after we parted. I certainly did, I brought myself back from the dead and found my old self after our breakup.
He didn't want kids. He didn't want marriage. He wanted everything he worked for in his name. We got in a fight because I wanted him to leave a will leaving his house to his sister and father. I had nightmares about this stuff. His mom and I were on the not-speaking terms by the time the relationship ended. I know a lot had to do with me looking out for him. I think his mother took it the wrong way. I didn't WANT anything of his... I just wanted to make sure that in the event that he died, the most empathetic people to my situation would be in control of his property. So I could have time to grieve, to find a new place to live... etc. (Yes, I actually thought that even though I had helped on this house and so had my father, that I'd be kicked out in the event of my ex's death. Like, the next day, due to the fact that he didn't really own his house, in legal sense).
I hoped for the best, got the worst, the relationship ended, I felt disemboweled. But with the death of that relationship I felt was the death of my ability to have children. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it hasn't proven otherwise. We'll call him #2 to clarify... seeing as how this is the internet, I ain't using names. And in this reference #2 will make sense.
So upon getting the news that he's having a baby with the new girlfriend, a friend was concerned of how I would take this news. She was considerate in that. She was worried it would bug me. Yes, I was with him for 8 of my child-bearing years. But, I had already adjusted to how things are going to be from this point forward.
I took it well considering that I had heard she was on his case about having kids before she got too old, that she wanted to get married, etc. etc. (all normal things to most of the population). I figured that's what was going to happen.
Also, one of my exes (we'll call him #1) had already gotten married, and had a baby. That was my first dealing with the "it could have been me" thoughts and all that weird crap that goes through a woman's head. Maybe some sort of crazy biological thing.
Now I'm pretty sure I'll never have kids. I know women can have them all the way up to 40. But I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I also explained this in depth to my grandma tonight... she was on that "get married have kids" kick she gets on. I was like "Oh no, Erik (my cousin) is taking that bullet for me!" He married his high school sweetheart and they're expecting their first baby now. She had also tried to explain it as being the end of my family line, for my mother and father... they only had one child, i have none. Grandma, that isn't really an argument.
#1's baby made me think, because we talked about what a kid would look like. #2 isn't so bad, although I had once talked to him when he was kinda drunk and he was saying our kids would be cute brunettes with green eyes. and I had picked out a name for a boy or girl. I got to this thought process of "I'm never having kids" and people I've had fleeting quasi-relationships with since the end of #2 have said things like this to me:
"Unless you've accidentally got (name withheld) junior growing in your belly right now."
"We would have the freckliest babies ever"
"Man you're strong. But I'm stronger. Our kids would be brutes."
"You'd be a great mom, you don't need some nitwit like me to tell you that. Wait, maybe you will be."
"Do you ever think being with me is going to hurt your chances of being a mom someday?"
Really. This baffles me.
maybe men have some weird thing in their heads that makes them get a biological clock of sorts.
There have been those that say nothing about it. But oddly there are enough of them who actually are mentioning it, that it seems weird to me.
I wonder if I can get my tubes tied... Cause do I ever really need kids?
Strange...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
So I'm looking at my online dating thing, blah blah blah.
Someone added me to his "saved profiles" list.
On his profile it says "Not emotionally available right now but I'm working on it."
Is anyone, really? Am I? are you, dear reader? Do you find yourself holding back things sometimes?
I don't know why this irked me. Its not like I won't give someone a fighting chance I suppose. But in all seriousness, am I EVER going to meet an emotionally available man, who likes chicks like me? I don't hold my breath on that one.
I've spent enough time in unrequited love with an emotionally unavailable man. Even in "sort-of-like" and "he's-neat" with emotionally unavailable men.
I just transferred a folder of writing that I had feared was lost. It makes my heart feel good. The novel in progress isn't lost and neither are the short stories. Paranoid Android was scaring me with that. At least Paranoid Android will probably have a good life as a computer for my parents. P.A. is getting a hard drive wipe, software reinstall, and hopefully will be cooperative. Not like they can really do anything with it right now, but hopefully my mom will get a modem or cell phone she can use with it someday.
Someone added me to his "saved profiles" list.
On his profile it says "Not emotionally available right now but I'm working on it."
Is anyone, really? Am I? are you, dear reader? Do you find yourself holding back things sometimes?
I don't know why this irked me. Its not like I won't give someone a fighting chance I suppose. But in all seriousness, am I EVER going to meet an emotionally available man, who likes chicks like me? I don't hold my breath on that one.
I've spent enough time in unrequited love with an emotionally unavailable man. Even in "sort-of-like" and "he's-neat" with emotionally unavailable men.
I just transferred a folder of writing that I had feared was lost. It makes my heart feel good. The novel in progress isn't lost and neither are the short stories. Paranoid Android was scaring me with that. At least Paranoid Android will probably have a good life as a computer for my parents. P.A. is getting a hard drive wipe, software reinstall, and hopefully will be cooperative. Not like they can really do anything with it right now, but hopefully my mom will get a modem or cell phone she can use with it someday.
Ah, new Macintosh. I love you. You still have no name. But, we will give you an appropriate one soon. Really leaning toward Tom Servo... due to something pointed out to me as far as an MST3K skit goes...
Spent last night watching "Helvetica" and thinking "I need to take notes on this..." hahahaha I had gone to the bar... and I was afraid I'd forget this:
The thing that makes Helvetica so good is its readability, its clearness, and its ability to remain neutral and let the words speak for themselves.
I am a typeface dork.
I really don't think I should go out on the town tonight. I think I'll go spend some quality time with the new Mac, and maybe start the process of transferring some of the old Mac's stuff over. I also want to reorganize the external drive's music folders before hooking it up to the itunes on here.
OH MY GOD THIS COMPUTER ROCKS.
Spent last night watching "Helvetica" and thinking "I need to take notes on this..." hahahaha I had gone to the bar... and I was afraid I'd forget this:
The thing that makes Helvetica so good is its readability, its clearness, and its ability to remain neutral and let the words speak for themselves.
I am a typeface dork.
I really don't think I should go out on the town tonight. I think I'll go spend some quality time with the new Mac, and maybe start the process of transferring some of the old Mac's stuff over. I also want to reorganize the external drive's music folders before hooking it up to the itunes on here.
OH MY GOD THIS COMPUTER ROCKS.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Another repost from Myspace... from tonight.
You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.
I just love that set of Lyrics from "Song To Say Goodbye" its a really good song for those that you care about, who try your patience, to the point you can't love them anymore, but still can't keep from saving them from their idiotic selves.
I have the urge to send the first two lines as a text message to someone I've been angry at. not because they're currently part of any present-day thinking... just the fact they were a past flight of fancy that I kind of floated away from... and inexplicably got the silent treatment for.
but, that's overly mean. But I feel that way.
They exist somewhere in the wings of my thinking, not often seen, only thought about when it arises that they're NOT somewhere because they are probably avoiding me.
Presently, other thoughts and other persons come to mind much more often than the tragic waste of skin. :)
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting, and everything that's true.
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting..
Because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you,
because I want you.
Stumble into you, is all i ever do..
My memory's hazy..and I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it's gonna do...
I also creatively edit which parts of the songs I'm posting. Why? Because its my blog, that gives me the license to be as self-serving and egocentric as I want. Right? RIGHT?!
I'm in a race and it's killing time,
I don't need yours I'll keep it with mine,
Can't you see these skies are breaking?
Coz I'm in a race and I'm doing fine,
Thank you.
Two of a kind and no one home,
I'm in a crowd and I'm still alone,
Can't you see these skies are breaking?
Cos one of a kind is all I own..
Now onto something completely different.
You know how life is cyclic, people will all share the same experiences in one way or another. this is how we allow ourselves to get to know each other I suppose. Gives us something to relate to each other. Also, it gives us something to have an opinion about.
Which sometimes leads to conflict.
Even if you try to give your opinion... it can cause conflict. People don't necessarily want to hear whats true or how you see things.
I tend to keep my opinions to myself. I will give some if asked... but there are just some people you inherently KNOW don't want your opinion, they want to be made to feel better.
which is how i felt when asked about someone's current situation with an ex. there's love, there's a child, and there's young person drama stuff that I am staring at and wondering how they're going to get over it. I stated my opinion simply: "You gotta figure out if you want to be with him. And if you want to be with him, it won't work unless you forgive him for his shit and he forgives you for yours and you guys move on." it was replied with a nod, a thoughtful look. But I know that what was searched for was acceptance or justifications for actions. Or at least me thinking that throwing oneself at an ex is a good idea. I didn't really have an opinion on all that. I just gave the "old person" advice... we never learn anything really until we live it ourselves. Once we figure it out, it seems pretty simple... Hence, just shrugging your shoulders and not knowing how to relate that knowledge easily. Someday they'll understand. In that vein, Pete Yorn lyrics:
So take your lessons hard and stay with him
When your car crash comes, don't be misled
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
and in lighthearted fare: The Knife, lyrics to "Heartbeats"
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.
I just love that set of Lyrics from "Song To Say Goodbye" its a really good song for those that you care about, who try your patience, to the point you can't love them anymore, but still can't keep from saving them from their idiotic selves.
I have the urge to send the first two lines as a text message to someone I've been angry at. not because they're currently part of any present-day thinking... just the fact they were a past flight of fancy that I kind of floated away from... and inexplicably got the silent treatment for.
but, that's overly mean. But I feel that way.
They exist somewhere in the wings of my thinking, not often seen, only thought about when it arises that they're NOT somewhere because they are probably avoiding me.
Presently, other thoughts and other persons come to mind much more often than the tragic waste of skin. :)
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting, and everything that's true.
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting..
Because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you too,
because I want you,
because I want you.
Stumble into you, is all i ever do..
My memory's hazy..and I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it's gonna do...
I also creatively edit which parts of the songs I'm posting. Why? Because its my blog, that gives me the license to be as self-serving and egocentric as I want. Right? RIGHT?!
I'm in a race and it's killing time,
I don't need yours I'll keep it with mine,
Can't you see these skies are breaking?
Coz I'm in a race and I'm doing fine,
Thank you.
Two of a kind and no one home,
I'm in a crowd and I'm still alone,
Can't you see these skies are breaking?
Cos one of a kind is all I own..
Now onto something completely different.
You know how life is cyclic, people will all share the same experiences in one way or another. this is how we allow ourselves to get to know each other I suppose. Gives us something to relate to each other. Also, it gives us something to have an opinion about.
Which sometimes leads to conflict.
Even if you try to give your opinion... it can cause conflict. People don't necessarily want to hear whats true or how you see things.
I tend to keep my opinions to myself. I will give some if asked... but there are just some people you inherently KNOW don't want your opinion, they want to be made to feel better.
which is how i felt when asked about someone's current situation with an ex. there's love, there's a child, and there's young person drama stuff that I am staring at and wondering how they're going to get over it. I stated my opinion simply: "You gotta figure out if you want to be with him. And if you want to be with him, it won't work unless you forgive him for his shit and he forgives you for yours and you guys move on." it was replied with a nod, a thoughtful look. But I know that what was searched for was acceptance or justifications for actions. Or at least me thinking that throwing oneself at an ex is a good idea. I didn't really have an opinion on all that. I just gave the "old person" advice... we never learn anything really until we live it ourselves. Once we figure it out, it seems pretty simple... Hence, just shrugging your shoulders and not knowing how to relate that knowledge easily. Someday they'll understand. In that vein, Pete Yorn lyrics:
So take your lessons hard and stay with him
When your car crash comes, don't be misled
Convince yourself that everything is alright
'Cos it already is
and in lighthearted fare: The Knife, lyrics to "Heartbeats"
One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love
Maybe I won't flunk my Sociology midterm...
Repost from Myspace, March 8
So something that we learned about in Sociology is the concept of "I" and "Me." in the definitions we're using, "I" is how you project yourself, "Me" is the image you get of yourself from feedback received from others. This has really struck home with me because it makes so much sense. Let's look at the big picture:
I hear a lot of "don't be so down/hard on yourself." or "you need to love yourself and people will love you in return." Endless commentary on the subject, because people think the "I" is not strong enough in me, or is damaged, or lacking in confidence.
The opposite is true. It's the "Me" that suffers. There are a number of you who are supportive. Likely anyone reading this right now. There are even people who think they aren't good to me, but they give me positive feedback, they reinforce my "I" thinking, though they don't think they're doing me any good.
Best way to explain this, I do NOT mean to sound cocky here...
I think I am pretty God Damn neat. For real. I'm definitely not the norm or whatever, but for christ sake I like some pretty cool stuff, I loved being in roller derby, I have a brain, I do use it, I love to have conversations, I love to get to know people, and I'll fucking do anything for those I care about. In superficial terms, I love my dark dark hair (hence trying to stay within the same darkness or darker in dying it, even if its funky colors). I think my blue eyes rock. People tell me I have a cute face. I like my smirks. My boobs are almost too big to me sometimes, fashion wise, but fuck at least I got em. I think my legs are pretty cool (thank you mom). I can't say I'm the best lay in the universe but at least I'm enthusiastic.
So this sounds like a person who's attempting to be humble, but actually thinks they're awesome. I'm not BETTER than other people or hold myself to be better than them (Unless they're a clueless, vapid idiot, yes I do have a touch of judgement in that respect).
From a young age, the "Me" has had to deal with stuff such as this:
No one likes you.
You're the weird girl.
Shut up Nerd.
Speak English (as a child I was wordy, people didn't understand my vocabulary)
SPeak English still applies sometimes, even as an adult.
Ewwww!
he doesn't like you like that (over and over again)
cold shoulders
people avoiding me
people talking shit
specifics?
I got the door slammed in my face at the first school dance I went to, because I am so uncool I am not allowed to pee. Stephanie came looking for me and I had already called my mom and had her come to get me. Stephanie said "are you sure" and I wanted to get away from my humiliation. I was crying. My mom still thinks Andrea Garber is a "stupid bitch" because of this. I don't really care about Andrea, I'm pleasant to her when I've seen her randomly.
My kindergarten friends promptly got rid of me the older they got, because I am not something to be seen with.
I've had many rejections in my love life.
Even boyfriends who loved me were embarrassed of me, because I am "loud" and "always doing something that makes people stare." its because I don't give a shit, but when the person you're with does give a shit, it makes you second guess you're carefree nature.
how about random douchebags? on the street, in bars, in the mall. Making fun of my clothes, my ridiculous dance moves, my whorish shirt because my cleavage is showing, or some accessory that I have that they think is dumb. I realize this is random douchebaggery and I feel bad for these people because picking on strangers is all they have. Hey, I sometimes laugh at ridiculous drunks, or make fun of random shit. But man, some people go out of their way to be complete fucktards.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've been a blow up doll for broken people. I am not so jaded and delusional that I lack the understanding of "fuck buddy" relationships. But come on, a little respect would be nice. refusing to talk to me, ignoring me, hiding, this is all really elementary school crap. and it's been a theme that's gone on for years. Yes, I realize its probably my taste in men, but these are the ones that at least respond with some sort of positive, as opposed to flat out rejections. So it's not like I don't have higher standards, its just that the higher standards don't like chicks like me or are more into something closer to a supermodel, or at least traditionally pretty. So I'm untraditionally pretty. men can be retarded. am I'm not talking about the one (yes there is one) that I'm guilty of avoiding because I'm scared to talk to him sometimes. I still soldier up and occasionally break the ice or try to tell him something. But that's a whole different story, we're a special kind of fucked up, he and I.
I don't think that people understand "I don't like you like that" or "I'm seeing someone else" or even "you aggrivate me" is better than the silent treatment. I can handle the fucking truth, its avoidance I hate.
I'm not even talking like "relationships." Friends do this to me. Granted, some of my friends are the crappiest immature assholes I've ever met, but here's the kicker, I accept them as they are, I don't expect them to change, I know they may grow up or change attitudes, but it's not up to me to make them. I take them as is. So sometimes this means dealing with such bullshit behavior.
I really think people are so wrapped up in their own little bubble they don't think for a second how they hurt others, until others blow a fucking gasket and get mad at them.
and sometimes its a simple as someone seemingly wanting to spend every weekend with you, calling you daily or twice a day, and you thinking "ok well i guess they really want to hang out and i am one of the only good people in their world" just to have them suddenly start hanigng with immature people who are giving you the cold shoulder, and then they get dodgy and act like you're being demanding when you wonder why the hell they bugged you about going to something then ditched, or didnt show up, or never text you back when you're trying to let them know where you are in case they're bored, as a courtesy. its like "wow, you were up my ass two weeks ago and now you act like I'm being needy?"
I try to let the positive outweigh the negative.
I realize the world is full of a lot of fucktards, or self-serving immature assholes. In fact, I once went off on one of these former-something-not-resembling-respectable-relationships, and I called him: the epitamy of everything he so desperately despises, a self-serving self-centered man-child with no real life experience, a emotionally inferior egomaniacal shithead with a superiority complex, and a fucking dick. Yeah, that is the kind of shit I say to you if you're a fucking douche to me. But you REALLY have to piss me off... and insulting my intelligence while ripping on me and rejecting me is a good way to piss me off. oh, and "time-shifted bitchy curmudgeon who's 15 mentally."
I've been called too nice... but mostly, its me not wanting to expend energy on ignorant assholes a lot of the time. If you know someone isn't going to really listen, get overly defensive, and probably just smooth over the tiff and still behave exactly the same way as before you called them out, then what's the point? It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me tired. if I need to rant to feel better I usually will. But starting fights with people too self-contained to realize they're bothering others is a waste of my time.
Now, lots of people can sometimes be wrapped up in their own shit and not realize they're being a jerk to others... but, like in the case of a real bad time that went down on vacation a few years ago... my brotha-from-anotha-motha came up to me and said "I've done that, I've thrown everything I could think of at someone in a fight and brought up shit just meant to hurt them. And I am always sorry afterward. It is something I have to learn not to do." Now he is on a different plane in that respect. In the heat of the moment he may be self-centered, but in hindsight, he's saying he messed up and has to mend fences. Not so many people can say something like that.
I have lots of hot-headed friends. They have LEARNED from their tempers. They realize what they do. They take pains not to do it. They occasionally still do, but they SEE what they have done, they aren't oblivious to the wake they leave. I have lots of respect for them.
I am just so sick of people turning their backs on me lately. Its because those of you that really matter aren't close enough to be here for me at these moments. I'm glad for Steph V. she lives with me, she's super blunt, and as such, she's giving me the feedback I need. Unfiltered truth. She doesnt ignore me she just answers. So she'll say "I don't want to go out, sorry." or "that's bullshit!" Its nice.
Sorry about writing a novel... just spending lots of time lately feeling a bit alone.
and I want some of you to realize... I do love myself. I do think I deserve better treatment, I don't expect immature people to see the light quickly and easily, and I get some really odd feedback from the world, but I'm still trying not to doubt that being the brash, blunt, odd person that I am is the way to be. I like weirdo me, I don't think I'm weird at all. But, I realize I'm not the norm. and I like it.
So something that we learned about in Sociology is the concept of "I" and "Me." in the definitions we're using, "I" is how you project yourself, "Me" is the image you get of yourself from feedback received from others. This has really struck home with me because it makes so much sense. Let's look at the big picture:
I hear a lot of "don't be so down/hard on yourself." or "you need to love yourself and people will love you in return." Endless commentary on the subject, because people think the "I" is not strong enough in me, or is damaged, or lacking in confidence.
The opposite is true. It's the "Me" that suffers. There are a number of you who are supportive. Likely anyone reading this right now. There are even people who think they aren't good to me, but they give me positive feedback, they reinforce my "I" thinking, though they don't think they're doing me any good.
Best way to explain this, I do NOT mean to sound cocky here...
I think I am pretty God Damn neat. For real. I'm definitely not the norm or whatever, but for christ sake I like some pretty cool stuff, I loved being in roller derby, I have a brain, I do use it, I love to have conversations, I love to get to know people, and I'll fucking do anything for those I care about. In superficial terms, I love my dark dark hair (hence trying to stay within the same darkness or darker in dying it, even if its funky colors). I think my blue eyes rock. People tell me I have a cute face. I like my smirks. My boobs are almost too big to me sometimes, fashion wise, but fuck at least I got em. I think my legs are pretty cool (thank you mom). I can't say I'm the best lay in the universe but at least I'm enthusiastic.
So this sounds like a person who's attempting to be humble, but actually thinks they're awesome. I'm not BETTER than other people or hold myself to be better than them (Unless they're a clueless, vapid idiot, yes I do have a touch of judgement in that respect).
From a young age, the "Me" has had to deal with stuff such as this:
No one likes you.
You're the weird girl.
Shut up Nerd.
Speak English (as a child I was wordy, people didn't understand my vocabulary)
SPeak English still applies sometimes, even as an adult.
Ewwww!
he doesn't like you like that (over and over again)
cold shoulders
people avoiding me
people talking shit
specifics?
I got the door slammed in my face at the first school dance I went to, because I am so uncool I am not allowed to pee. Stephanie came looking for me and I had already called my mom and had her come to get me. Stephanie said "are you sure" and I wanted to get away from my humiliation. I was crying. My mom still thinks Andrea Garber is a "stupid bitch" because of this. I don't really care about Andrea, I'm pleasant to her when I've seen her randomly.
My kindergarten friends promptly got rid of me the older they got, because I am not something to be seen with.
I've had many rejections in my love life.
Even boyfriends who loved me were embarrassed of me, because I am "loud" and "always doing something that makes people stare." its because I don't give a shit, but when the person you're with does give a shit, it makes you second guess you're carefree nature.
how about random douchebags? on the street, in bars, in the mall. Making fun of my clothes, my ridiculous dance moves, my whorish shirt because my cleavage is showing, or some accessory that I have that they think is dumb. I realize this is random douchebaggery and I feel bad for these people because picking on strangers is all they have. Hey, I sometimes laugh at ridiculous drunks, or make fun of random shit. But man, some people go out of their way to be complete fucktards.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've been a blow up doll for broken people. I am not so jaded and delusional that I lack the understanding of "fuck buddy" relationships. But come on, a little respect would be nice. refusing to talk to me, ignoring me, hiding, this is all really elementary school crap. and it's been a theme that's gone on for years. Yes, I realize its probably my taste in men, but these are the ones that at least respond with some sort of positive, as opposed to flat out rejections. So it's not like I don't have higher standards, its just that the higher standards don't like chicks like me or are more into something closer to a supermodel, or at least traditionally pretty. So I'm untraditionally pretty. men can be retarded. am I'm not talking about the one (yes there is one) that I'm guilty of avoiding because I'm scared to talk to him sometimes. I still soldier up and occasionally break the ice or try to tell him something. But that's a whole different story, we're a special kind of fucked up, he and I.
I don't think that people understand "I don't like you like that" or "I'm seeing someone else" or even "you aggrivate me" is better than the silent treatment. I can handle the fucking truth, its avoidance I hate.
I'm not even talking like "relationships." Friends do this to me. Granted, some of my friends are the crappiest immature assholes I've ever met, but here's the kicker, I accept them as they are, I don't expect them to change, I know they may grow up or change attitudes, but it's not up to me to make them. I take them as is. So sometimes this means dealing with such bullshit behavior.
I really think people are so wrapped up in their own little bubble they don't think for a second how they hurt others, until others blow a fucking gasket and get mad at them.
and sometimes its a simple as someone seemingly wanting to spend every weekend with you, calling you daily or twice a day, and you thinking "ok well i guess they really want to hang out and i am one of the only good people in their world" just to have them suddenly start hanigng with immature people who are giving you the cold shoulder, and then they get dodgy and act like you're being demanding when you wonder why the hell they bugged you about going to something then ditched, or didnt show up, or never text you back when you're trying to let them know where you are in case they're bored, as a courtesy. its like "wow, you were up my ass two weeks ago and now you act like I'm being needy?"
I try to let the positive outweigh the negative.
I realize the world is full of a lot of fucktards, or self-serving immature assholes. In fact, I once went off on one of these former-something-not-resembling-respectable-relationships, and I called him: the epitamy of everything he so desperately despises, a self-serving self-centered man-child with no real life experience, a emotionally inferior egomaniacal shithead with a superiority complex, and a fucking dick. Yeah, that is the kind of shit I say to you if you're a fucking douche to me. But you REALLY have to piss me off... and insulting my intelligence while ripping on me and rejecting me is a good way to piss me off. oh, and "time-shifted bitchy curmudgeon who's 15 mentally."
I've been called too nice... but mostly, its me not wanting to expend energy on ignorant assholes a lot of the time. If you know someone isn't going to really listen, get overly defensive, and probably just smooth over the tiff and still behave exactly the same way as before you called them out, then what's the point? It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me tired. if I need to rant to feel better I usually will. But starting fights with people too self-contained to realize they're bothering others is a waste of my time.
Now, lots of people can sometimes be wrapped up in their own shit and not realize they're being a jerk to others... but, like in the case of a real bad time that went down on vacation a few years ago... my brotha-from-anotha-motha came up to me and said "I've done that, I've thrown everything I could think of at someone in a fight and brought up shit just meant to hurt them. And I am always sorry afterward. It is something I have to learn not to do." Now he is on a different plane in that respect. In the heat of the moment he may be self-centered, but in hindsight, he's saying he messed up and has to mend fences. Not so many people can say something like that.
I have lots of hot-headed friends. They have LEARNED from their tempers. They realize what they do. They take pains not to do it. They occasionally still do, but they SEE what they have done, they aren't oblivious to the wake they leave. I have lots of respect for them.
I am just so sick of people turning their backs on me lately. Its because those of you that really matter aren't close enough to be here for me at these moments. I'm glad for Steph V. she lives with me, she's super blunt, and as such, she's giving me the feedback I need. Unfiltered truth. She doesnt ignore me she just answers. So she'll say "I don't want to go out, sorry." or "that's bullshit!" Its nice.
Sorry about writing a novel... just spending lots of time lately feeling a bit alone.
and I want some of you to realize... I do love myself. I do think I deserve better treatment, I don't expect immature people to see the light quickly and easily, and I get some really odd feedback from the world, but I'm still trying not to doubt that being the brash, blunt, odd person that I am is the way to be. I like weirdo me, I don't think I'm weird at all. But, I realize I'm not the norm. and I like it.
My hair smells like bacon.
Repost from Myspace Blog March 2.
Really, it does. It was bacon cooking day at work.
I'm trying to decide whether to open the door, build the wall better, or set fire to the fortress.
I wonder if Loki likes fortune cookies? I wonder if that's what his beak was up to. I wonder if he can even eat them?
I referred to being treated like a second class citizen the other day. I was actually quite serious about it to the person I said it to. Reason I told them that, was in comparison to how they treat me. They treat me as a person with a brain. Yes, they're actually listening. Yes, to their surprise, I don't often get credited with being the thinking type. Of course, this person thinks I'm slightly more interesting than the average bear, unlike a few people I encounter who seem to think I'm a way to entertain themselves temporarily, but can't come to face me or speak to me.
I guess I've had a couple shit hands dealt. I guess I'm just not caring anymore.
But, maybe it's about time I let out some innermost thoughts.
Really, it does. It was bacon cooking day at work.
I'm trying to decide whether to open the door, build the wall better, or set fire to the fortress.
I wonder if Loki likes fortune cookies? I wonder if that's what his beak was up to. I wonder if he can even eat them?
I referred to being treated like a second class citizen the other day. I was actually quite serious about it to the person I said it to. Reason I told them that, was in comparison to how they treat me. They treat me as a person with a brain. Yes, they're actually listening. Yes, to their surprise, I don't often get credited with being the thinking type. Of course, this person thinks I'm slightly more interesting than the average bear, unlike a few people I encounter who seem to think I'm a way to entertain themselves temporarily, but can't come to face me or speak to me.
I guess I've had a couple shit hands dealt. I guess I'm just not caring anymore.
But, maybe it's about time I let out some innermost thoughts.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
And you can laugh a spineless laugh, we hope your rules and wisdom choke you.
Swept under the rug. discarded.
bypassed.
missed.
under-appreciated. a lack of understanding.
a candle in a windowless room.
can anyone see in?
I think you do.
bypassed.
missed.
under-appreciated. a lack of understanding.
a candle in a windowless room.
can anyone see in?
I think you do.
So I apparently don't pay enough attention to what I sign up for. And is anyone reading this? Probably not.
I stand on the cusp of jumping headfirst into something. I say that like it would be a grand gesture, a sudden change. Suddenly, everything would come into focus, all would be surrounded in light. But it's not nearly that spectacular. I'd just like to be. Just be. And be around another human being, who I have some keen attachment to. I think that's as close to a relationship as I'd be able to get. People who know me would say "oh no! You're such a relationship person!" But really, if I was, I wouldn't constantly second guess myself. I wouldn't say things to myself like "well so-and-so gets along with me well. But he's a selfish jerk, and there's people on OKCupid to talk to."or "I'd give my ovaries just to say what I really want to say to someone I've really liked for a very long time. But instead, I'll talk to some douchebag at a bar, and run from both situations when they get too sticky."
When something gets close, I run. I open my heart to those that don't deserve it, and I keep a fortress around myself.
If I could actually say words, out loud, without being inebriated, I'd say:
"I dig you. I really like who you are. I like you for you and don't expect you to be something you're not. I realize you may change your mind at any given moment, and maybe so will I, but no matter what, I'll always like you this way, it just won't go away."
Fuck. maybe I should just start writing letters. ARG.
I stand on the cusp of jumping headfirst into something. I say that like it would be a grand gesture, a sudden change. Suddenly, everything would come into focus, all would be surrounded in light. But it's not nearly that spectacular. I'd just like to be. Just be. And be around another human being, who I have some keen attachment to. I think that's as close to a relationship as I'd be able to get. People who know me would say "oh no! You're such a relationship person!" But really, if I was, I wouldn't constantly second guess myself. I wouldn't say things to myself like "well so-and-so gets along with me well. But he's a selfish jerk, and there's people on OKCupid to talk to."or "I'd give my ovaries just to say what I really want to say to someone I've really liked for a very long time. But instead, I'll talk to some douchebag at a bar, and run from both situations when they get too sticky."
When something gets close, I run. I open my heart to those that don't deserve it, and I keep a fortress around myself.
If I could actually say words, out loud, without being inebriated, I'd say:
"I dig you. I really like who you are. I like you for you and don't expect you to be something you're not. I realize you may change your mind at any given moment, and maybe so will I, but no matter what, I'll always like you this way, it just won't go away."
Fuck. maybe I should just start writing letters. ARG.
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