If they made feta-cheddar I'd eat the shit out of it...

Went to the local cheese shop to splurge on specialty cheeses for myself. I'm not talking sharp cheddar, or extra sharp cheddar, which I can get at the grocery, I'm talking garlic white cheddar, true-bleu cheddar, and 4 year old cheddar (though 9 year was pretty tempting).

I had no idea bleu cheese and cheddar could co-exist in one brick... but I guess it makes sense seeing as how Monterey jack cheese can co exist with colby, peppers (not even a cheese) and veggies (still not a cheese). Oh did I forget bacon cheddar? Oh my God I could have passed out in utter cheese happiness. That was like, too many cheese options. I had trouble limiting myself.

The Veggie jack cheese was super tasty! (They have scrumptious samples available). For next time... BACON CHEDDAR.

I will never, ever, ever stop loving cheese.

Chaos ensues

Rows of houses, all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out

This machine will, will not communicate
These thoughts and the strain I am under
Be a world child, form a circle
Before we all go under
And fade out again and fade out again

Cracked eggs, dead birds
Scream as they fight for life
I can feel death, can see its beady eyes
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again

Immerse your soul in love
Immerse your soul in love




I'm at the run away and hide, stay home and hide, just get away point. I don't know why I get this overwhelming sense of foreboding or some sort of soul-crushing weirdness that makes me want to avoid people at all costs. Yet not avoid them. How weird.

I can't stay here. I can't. Yet I have a few good friends still left here. Yet, I have a house here and gotta figure that out. Yet, someone with potential is contacting me via internet and now text message, and I am ready to jump into meeting them but absolutely fucking frightened it will be the same usual outcome. Yep, we could be friends. Probably not dateable to them. Which is FINE I am quite used to not being datable, apparently I never HAVE been datable, people just put up with me out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

I think way too much.

I also get worried that if I can't be datable can't I just get some decent sex out of it all?

I don't know what to think of that. For now, occasionally, that need is sometimes met. But met with the guilt of knowing that even though that person is forthcoming in their complete lack of having a relationship with anyone, there's a moon eyed girl nearby that wants him to change his mind and come her way. Jesus.

Maybe I should just write vague sentences. That makes for good songs. Look at the example above in Radiohead lyrics. :)

Also in random note, I want to learn to play the accordion and put weird videos of covers of all my favorite songs on there done in accordion. Why? I don't know. I probably never will. But some part of me still wants to learn that damn instrument.

I have one, I better go get it from my house.

I need to go play video games and immerse myself in an unrealistic world while dealing with the text messages that are inevitably there from someone who would really like to meet me.

*sigh*

I will give it a go. Really. For real.

Movin' on

There are plenty of people I will miss around this area. Plenty. But the time has come to move on. Too much bullshit, too much drama, too much gossip. If I can't even defend myself against it, and my friends want to say that defending myself makes me "sound guilty" then there is really no reason to be here anymore. All misunderstandings have been sorted out with the people who matter. As for anyone else, I'm not making an effort anymore. I'll find out who my real friends are.

jesusgoddamnwhatthefuck

It just never ceases...

I have just about written off one of my friends as clinically insane. At first, I thought Friend #1 just had the mentality of a toddler who isn't getting his way. Which is pretty much the case most of the time. But the disturbing thing is how he doesn't remember exactly how things went down or what was said to set him off. He reacts with violence to people's words. He needs attention and behaves like a child not given a new toy. I've given up wasting time on this.

Another good friend, he's having issue with someone (We'll call the culprit R) constantly saying smart-ass things about me. Or negative things. Friend #2 started calling R out on his obvious lack of respect for other people after friend #1 had slapped and head-butted Friend #2 in a fit, a temper tantrum of sorts. R started in saying how #2 deserved this... #2 didn't take kindly to this, and got in a very heated argument with R. I happened to be standing nearby, and was pulled into it mid-argument. #2's point? R lacks respect for anyone and considers himself better than us, and we are all a folly for him to laugh at and say idiotic disrespectful things to. R didn't disagree. But then #2 pretty much pulled me as a card. R is a flaming asshole to me at times, uses stupid nicknames, says completely idiotic things to me, and generally, tries to make my life a living hell. Luckily for me, I ignore most of what he says, never realize he's talking to me when he uses a stupid nickname, and generally, am not affected whatsoever by his behavior. I am polite to him, I don't talk much to him, I just kind of let him exist there without too much thought into his motivations or what kind of shit he might be up to. #2 has taken it upon himself to vehemently defend my honor, to the point of getting in heated arguments with all sorts of people we are aquaintances with.

Don't get me wrong, everything #2 does is appreciated. I've never had anyone stand up like that in my honor in this particular circle of friends (that was male), and I am glad he does know this bullshit goes on and has decided to try to call R out on it, in hopes it will stop, and people will see the truth behind R.

Until he started arguing with some girl.

Everyone is vouching for her, saying "She's really fucked up right now, she's normally a very nice girl." While villianizing #2 for his argument with her. He called her a bitch for saying that R's treatment of me "A sweet girl who doesn't ever do anything mean to him, or anyone for that matter" was excusable. This led to back and forth ridiculous name calling. Both parties were really messed up at the time, and the part that irks me is #2 is seen as crazy, while this girl is "just really fucked up right now." Yeah, so is #2, but everyone's threatening him. I was trying to talk some sense into #2 when I got my hair grabbed and ripped out, my face scratched, and had some crazy druggie bitch climbing all over my back.

Yeah, she may be "a nice girl" but when you're all fucked up on numerous substances, and behaving like a fucking maniac... well, there's only so much pity I can have for you. Everyone's blaming #2 (who was drunk as hell, and ranting needlessly).

Seriously. I don't care what anyone says. They're idiots. I don't have time for the gradeschool games R plays. I wish #2 wouldn't take it so seriously as to have some crazy bitch attacking him and in her blind rage, fucking me up.

Everyone is so sorry about what happened to me.

I'm just not in the mood to be around any of them right now, specifically some crazy broad with an inflated opinion of R.

Fucking. Crazy.

Thank god next weekend I will be at a bachelorette party in a person's home, having snacks and good times with friends.

I think it's time to start being a hermit.

and the sad thing is... I really don't care.

I'm not about to go through any of the random drama that has happened lately, oh two readers of mine, because one of you is appraised of the situation and the other could be easily with one phone call. So I will leave those details out.

You know sometime I feel lonely and whatever, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't care. and I'm in a don't-care mode. Probably from all the undeserved drama circulating around me, and from the fact that I have good friends. Some of them are even MALE!

I am sick of the online dating thing even though it never got off the ground. I have to remove casual sex from the list of things I'd want... at first, however long ago I thought maybe... but no. Sex with strangers may sound appealling but I know myself well enough to know I'd never be comfortable with that situation.

So of course, the inbox is full of "I'm new in town and looking for casual sex."

The honesty (or lack of, either way) is usually appreciated by me but i can't answer that.

And guy I met ONCE forever ago still texts.

I meet these kind of people though... that suddenly remind me of the reason I'd be complaining about drama. I think we all know who he is, and any time a guy reminds me of him I want to run away screaming. I think this is bad because any aspiring writer is going to make me shriek and run... and that's pretty unfair. Or maybe the way they word things. Or I'm just a chicken, I'm not sure what the answer is.

The good thing is, I want to go to Ireland thru MATC. We'll see if that happens next fall. And, I plan on spontaneously going to New York City. I know, planning spontaneity sounds odd, but my last Memphis companion and I have decided we'll go there. And back to Memphis. Maybe Montreal if he gets his passport. Or New Orleans. And this resulted in epic hugs.

It's nice to know that I have an option to get the fuck out every once in a while with someone who needs the space from this place as much as I do sometimes, and has the lack of commitments in his life to come with me.

For that, I feel blessed. And my friends who keep me sane.

And now a psychic?

I went to see a psychic with Dana today. She told me some interesting things, but the most interesting was that I have to make a list of what I want in a man. As in, accept NO compromise. I am trying to do this immediately. I'm trying to figure out what I want. This is the list thus far:
-Mutual respect
-Stability (mentally)
-Openness
-Common interests
-Not completely commitment-phobic
-Intelligence
-Some sort of affection towards me
-Sense of humor
-Attractive (to me, anyways)

Apparently I may own my own business someday, I'm my 40s, after having children, if this change of attitude and such works.

We shall see.

At any rate... I need to prioritize getting what I want from someone anyways... Its a damn good thing to do.

Welcome to: Bi-Polar Days! Also, a commentary on awkwardness.

So I have started the undertaking of moving shit around in my room. I need more space. There is now a desk in here HURRAY! This means I took my old dresser out, some relic I've had since forever and a day ago.

Sol old, that I found (in this order):

My ex's passport and birth certificate from when we were supposed to go on a marvelous vacation to London/Paris.

Also the receipts for the cancellation of said trip, which he had agreed to shell out the money to refund me, totalling $500. memory somehow seems that never got repaid, out of some argument about something else that was irrelevant. neither here nor there.

my material issue t-shirt.

a pick from a big wreck concert

LETTERS

oh the letters. some in the vein of desperate pleas to win back my affections (common theme, they seem to realize WHY I am leaving and want to undo the deeds that caused the parting... back then I had no time for such nonsense. I was too busy chasing the wrong person. A person who seems to have never written me much more than a 2 sentence note.)

the letters, some sad, most pleading, and while some may say that its a depressing thing to read...

it's not. You know its nice to know that at some point in my life I was important enough to someone to send a 3 page letter detailing the ways they wish they could fix things. Yeah so maybe I made mistakes. whatever. do you have ANY idea how nice it is to see something like that when you've been nothing but a passing random hook up for years to people? Seriously. I know so many people surrounded by love and potential paramours and all sorts of stuff. Hot girls with nice guys falling at thier feet. I don't sit around being mad or wondering why I'm not them, because I can look at these letters and see that even if it was in the past, I was desirable. That keeps me from wanting to eat arsenic and cut myself in the bath.

and then letters from my college bound friends. funny letters, sad letters, angry letters about things that had happened. I didnt get to read them all. Bi-polar feelings? From sad to laughing?

I also came to understand something better, I had assumed one of my friends was being flighty in leaving her ex... until she started explaining ho he speaks to her. I can understand this as I went through it. I think the people doing it have absolutely no idea they are doing it either... but when someone has nothing but negative comments to you... and you take stock of that, you're suddenly like "why the HELL did I put up with that?" In her case it was to keep a family together. I just wish them all nothing but the best.

I also figured out last week that I have troubles reading "I am flirting" and "I am flirting because its my natural instinct and I really need help" from friends.

I am no good in awkwardness. I fail. Stephanie and I were once caught in a situation where creeper was hitting on her. She pointed at engagement ring. creeper leaned in closer. Steph stared at me. I stared at her, we both stared at each other like deer in headlights. I came up with helpful comments such as "I don't think her army guy fiance would like that" and "Are you a close talker or something" while Steph looked helplessly at me. I stared helplessly back, until one of our sassy friends took note of the situation, got a bouncer, and got dude kicked out. Our problem? We never want to be mean. This situation (and others like it) are what has prompted the "be weird and unfriendly until they go away" response. Also closely tied to a flight response, cause the minute they're distracted I have to pee/leave/gamble/set-head-on-fire/shampoo pets.

My personal favorite in awkwardness was a day at a bar. My friend and I are engaged in conversation. Obviously having a good time, both being talkative and loud talkers, creepers couldnt get a word in edgewise. She leaves for the bathroom.

Dude decides this is his moment. He is ready.

"You look bored." says old-guy.
(be mindful of the fact my friend JUST GOT UP and the bathroom door isn't even closed behind her yet).

"No." *stare into phone, willing it to ring/beep/spontaneously-combust*

"well you look bored." *strange grin*

"nope. I'm fine." *stare at TV over his head*

"You don't smile much do you?"

*BLANK STARE*

"well, you don't smile enough I suppose."

*dumbfounded look followed by awkward smile, then turning attention to phone pretending something AWESOME just happened on it, yep, that was the non-existent text of the century, to the point of FAKE LAUGHING at my phone*

I can never win when awkwardness is presented.

I should thrive in it. I certainly cultivate enough of it for myself.

although I could go the way of pretending it isn't awkward and I am totally fine, AKA denial-land. Like a story I heard from a friend... his dad was getting a tattoo and a mutual friend (also his in-law) is talking to the guy's dad about tattoos. "Just don't be like all the other guys and get a harley symbol with barbed wire around it." Guess what the guy's dad was getting for a tattoo?

*smacks forehead*

Anyhow, I'm getting my room somewhat organized, feeling better even if sometimes feeling blue, and laughing at the random assortment of postcards my friends have sent over the years. How do postal carriers NOT read them all? I wouldn't get anything done if there were lots of postcards in my mail pile.

"You did WHAT?"

So I figured I'll post my weird news here on the internet and pray to God and everything Holy that someone other than the two people who normally comment doesn't read it. Well there are a couple others I can think of... but generally, I'm keeping it secret, so OF COURSE I'm broadcasting it on the internet...

I got a piercing. Yes its my first one (my ears grew shut right after piercing them at 11). So where is this piercing?

Um, yeah. Its downtown. Its called a V.C.H. and can be looked up on the internet if anyone is curious. (It was definitely weird looking at strangers nether-regions while researching this).

Why did I get this?

*drags out soapbox*

I decided to do something for me. This will enhance my pleasure, and it is something I have wanted to do for a while, but always thought was "odd." I never got it because I was afraid some MAN would say it was slutty, or dirty, or wonder if I was a huge whore who slept around. (Yes, that is the most ridiculous thought ANY person could have, but it was there). I always feared judgement. By my friends, potential love interests, anyone who would find out or knew.

What changed my opinion? Being told no one in this town would seriously date me. Hearing a former paramour had still been making fun of me in relation to himself. Hearing that anyone, anywhere had an opinion about who I am and what I am about.

If I get a scarlet letter for just existing and having made bad judgement about people, then what the fuck do I care what anyone thinks about my piercing?

Honestly, I needed it. It sounds super hokey and really über-feminist, but it made me appreciate my girly parts again. No shame, no wondering if there's something wrong with it. Is it not what people expect? You know when the only pics of something you see are from magazines and internet, usually they look nothing like what you've got going on downstairs. Doing the research for this, I saw regular folks junk. Somehow this made me feel better.

The other thing... those people who had negative things to say that had slept with me before... They have no idea what it looks like. They don't know its there. It's like a brand new thing they've never seen before. Now, cheesy as this may seem, I am elated that it is new and improved. Its about me, not you. It's about me getting off, not your commitment issues. Its about me having a good time, not your tendency to make fun of me. ITS FOR ME, DAMMIT.

So anyone who thought they knew me because the had previously known me in the biblical sense... you don't know shit.

I couldn't be happier.

In reference to all the things that have bothered me in the past with my issues of living in a small town... nobody knows what's going on with me these days. They'd probably secretly think it was awesome while publicly making fun of me for having it.

To them, I say "Fuck You." With an added stuck out tongue: PTHLTTTTTTTTTT.

We can't ever go back to Arizona!

So I've not spent a ton of time really dwelling on this fact... moreso I accept it. LIfe's a bitch and then you die. Now it occurred to me the other day that people have a lot of complaints. "OH my GOD I was halfway through getting ready and all my friends BAILED on me, SO SHITTY!" or "I'm never going to get to go on vacation because I can't get any overtime!" or my favorite overhead one: "This is bullshit we can't smoke in the bar."

These people are complaining. Loudly. And they're acting like their life has been somehow derailed and they're quite put-off about it. Now I rarely bitch about such things... and I started thinking... Of all the bitches I do have, how do they rate comparatively? And also, have they somehow been resolved?

I don't even keep a tally on all the things that go wrong. I'm sure somewhere, in an old email, facebook status or maybe even on here I can find every single thing that pissed me off. But I don't hold onto it.

Of what I can remember...
Sattie Satalino died. Sattie Snuffleupagus was purchased for a measly $600. WIN!

Now when I tell people stuff that's going on, the answer I usually get is "I'm so sorry to hear that!"

I don't think its that bad... but I have noticed people either live in a bubble of unreality or they tend not to think of others feelings. The people I know to not be that way are the people I see the least often.



In other news...

Some of you may have caught on to the things that unfurled for me on Friday. (Yes, all two of you). I posted something about how in this town the past is never the past.

The thing was... I was trying to be good.

I wasn't out drinking, wasn't partying, was just going to work, going home, playing some xbox, cleaning my new car, buying an MP3 player and planning to set up a computer for my mom, and to run wireless internet in their house. I was staying away from the locals. That didn't stop the inevitable from hitting me in the face.

Dear reader (who is most likely one of my two closest friends who actually read this), you know how I have lamented about the fact that I have a scarlet letter. I "dated too many people." I only SUSPECTED this, by the actions of guys around me.

Well people, its 100% true.

Here is what I wrote on that night, but couldn't post due to a mass of annoying problems such as hacked email and my internet no longer working.

Sometimes I assume I am overreacting. Maybe it isn't as bad as I think, maybe I am ranty for no good reason. Let's also not forget, those damn birth control pills make you kind of nuts… maybe it isn't as bad as you think.

Until someone comes out and says it to your face. What you knew all along. Brimming underneath the surface. No one will date you because you dated "Ex" and you fucked "That guy" and oh don't forget "The Other Guy."

HO. LEE. FUCK.

Haven't we evolved past that as a species? Also, shouldn't we remember how small this town really is, how many "nice guys" there really are and hey, maybe the reason I dated people who were all similar is because they share my interests?

Thanks for the red letter, people who know my ex.

And when I said this is why I am moving to Milwaukee I was told "Its the same everywhere."

My response? No its not, because I'm not going to be around people who know "ex," or "That Guy" or "The Other Guy" and no one will have heard "The Other Guy's" shitty remarks and jokes at my expense.

So you know what? I AM ALREADY AHEAD.

"A small town is a vast Hell."

No truer words ever spoken.

So guess who's sitting here thinking "Fuck watching what I eat" and shoveling sharp cheddar dipped in spicy mustard into her face… yeah, me. And washing it down with a Coke!

At least there was a funny part to all of this. I asked the rival pizza delivery guy and friend if he was going out… then I briefly discussed that I was pissed, why, and said I should take the new Sattie for a drive. I replied that, yes, we were going on a drive. He's probably one of the few people who understands getting pissed about dumb shit and doing something totally random to blow off steam.

To Walmart.

My friend, being similar to me when he's not feeling the best, completely understood driving to Walmart at 1:30 am, listening to Pandora's Prince station on the cell phone (conveniently connect to the radio via the tape-deck. Yes, the TAPE DECK!), buying a seat cover to keep the amount of seat cushion shrapnel to a minimum (rip in seat = itchy foam pieces touching me), and buying armor all and shit.

I forgot how odd it is in there. I get that there are cultural differences. Some dude's repeating the opening call to some rap song. Over and over again. Then he'd pause, yell "Gimme that Becky!" stay quiet for not nearly long enough, then go back to repeating that intro over and over again. Also, the people behind me saying "He shon't be nobody's nigga, he a nigga of no one." These people are lily white. They talked in complete Ebonics… I assume they grew up somewhere that makes this less strange, than say, oh, ME talking like that with my upbringing.

So Sattie Snuffleupagus and I head to the car wash.

We use the vacuum.

We throw away our garbage in the receptacle.

We fight with the machine, trying to coax the money for the automatic wash in.

30 seconds after pulling into the bay, I suddenly think:
A: The outside sounds are pretty clear
B: The door looks like it got wet or something once
C: IS THERE A DOOR SEAL ON THIS CAR?

it was a wet and uncomfortable ride home for my left side.

It didn't so much spray on me as it incessantly dripped on me. Lots of dripping.

Well, at least she's clean. Next time we'll know, Automatic Carwash is a NO.


So yes, I eventually got over that comment. And I moved on. And something vastly strange happened over the weekend...

The usual person was hitting on me.
Some married guy was hitting on me.
Some random dudes at the bar were hitting on me.
A guy I haven't talked to in a couple years was texting, and saying he'd get a room at the Comfort Inn...

ummmm......... ???

It was just that kind of weekend.

Cue carosel music!

Instead of being good, I partied like a rock star on Saturday. Ridiculously so. Ended up showing up at home in a party dress my dad referred to as "lingerie" and took a nap before working in the tent at Racetrack. Saturday was ROUGH. Sunday was recovery and that was still kinda rough. But not as rough as trying to be good and having every single mis-step in your life pointed out to you. I can comedown from the things we did Saturday easier that getting over that crap.

Substances leave your system, but remarks like that jab at your soul.

YAY!

Got me a new-old Saturn. Waiting for her to get repaired... tie rods needed replacing and the wipers are being donated from Sattie Satalino.

Decided to name her Sattie Snuffle-upagus, because no one believed that I could find a nearly identical Saturn.

I saw this nearly identical Saturn on craigslist. I emailed the DAY it went on Craigslist, made appointment to see it the next day. As I approached, a guy was standing there, trying to buy it. She explained I had dibs. I looked it over, with "Don" following me around repeating everything I said. So suddenly "Don" is like "So what's the deal?" in an irritated voice. The girl selling the car said "I am waiting to see what her opinion is." I said "Well I will take the car." He storms off complaining about "women always sticking together" and "Conspiring against him." He pretty much mumbled a bunch of shit while I stared at him and the woman with him in a very 'are you serious' sort of way. Knowing my poker face one could probably read "WTF." The the girl selling it explained he'd been blowing up her phone and also said "Yeah, I came out to this today." What was she pointing at? "Don" wrote his FUCKING NAME ON THE WINDOW IN PERMANENT MARKER. Fuck you, Don. It's my car now.

maybe singing Beatles tunes to myself works...

So I had a broke-ass camera... with a Best Buy product service plan on it...

Now I have a new Canon. It's kind of like my really old camera... no flip out screen, but it has hella zoom and a huge screen. 10mp and i recognize the menus from my old Canon. I'm excited about it. And it has image stabilization. Pretty awesome.

Now I found a Saturn like Sattie Satalino right down the street from Steph for cheap... going to look at it tomorrow morning.

Are things looking up?

I have to admit it's getting better...

I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Of a million unheard souls
Watch each one reach for creature comfort
For the filling of their holes

I guess it's one of those kind of nights, isn't it? Still adrift on the sea of uncertainty.

At my request you take me in
In that tenderness I am floating away
No certainty, nothing to rely on
Holding still for a moment
What a moment this is
Oh for a moment of forgetting
A moment of bliss

I have always loved the song those lyrics were taken from.

Apparently my mood has slipped again judging by recent mix CDs. The most upbeat song (and fun to sing) is Lucinda Williams "Cant Let Go." Which the lyrics to don't really in any way pertain to how I feel these days. Other than maybe unspoken oddness happening in the land of the utterly hopeless? Dear reader you may understand what/who I mean. I try to stay off that subject, as I can't think too much about that articular person who is very very stuck in a rut and never going to wise up to what could be.

At least he's better adjusted than some people I know and have had the misfortune of being entangled with lately.

I need to make a new list. Maybe a form letter? An agreement?


Dear man-who-might-become-somehow-even-if-only-slightly-involved-with-me-in-any-way,

I'm fine. Really. I'm ok. When you bring down the house with your own issues whether they be confusion, guilt, bad choices, libidinous intent, whatever they are, it makes me tired and bored, I feel like a bad person because I don't have time for your issues. But I'm too old to care and old enough to know better. If I seem like I'm not listening, I'm probably not, especially if you are in a swirling conversation revolving around you, and you're so self absorbed you don't realize I'm still there, or only need some sort of captive audience for your soapbox rambling. In which case, I suggest you get a trained monkey. It will even sigh appropriately and possibly nod, or pat your back when needed.

If you know my most recent (and that means 5 plus years) ex-boyfriend, you probably have no interest in dating me. If you happen to be drunk and hitting on me, you'll just remind me tomorrow that I dated "your friend" and somehow tomorrow this will be a big deal. Or somehow you'll be weirded out. Or you won't look at me as an actual individual so we might as well say fuck it and give up right now. Yes, I look at you individually for qualities I find attractive about you. Unfortunately, the group dynamic is such to consistently remind me I dated someone who wasn't right for me for far too long. Life goes on, it has for him, it has for me, and I would love the past to be just that. Unfortunately for me, I live in a small town.

I'm apparently an excellent babysitter, I did it for years with my ex's drunken misadventures, I do it currently for a gaggle of severely messed up individuals I have as friends. I you want a babysitter I'll probably be ok for a while, but realize I will grow tired of it. I can't promise it will work out for you if that is what you need. Its annoying and draining taking care of others who are just too busy fucking themselves up to take care of themselves.

Also of note, I am capable of some great big unconditional love. You probably won't know this, and if you stick around long enough you might be the beneficiary of some of this. Unfortunately for you, you're going to have to earn it, because the wall around me has increased after years of being jacked around. I am very slow to trust. Slow to care. If you're looking for love from me that will be a hard road. But not impossible. Think of it as driving off-road as opposed to the highway.

If you are looking for a good time, I am capable of that. I will not, however, tolerate sudden changes in attitude, or suddenly worrying about commitment or leading me on. You may think you have me hook line and sinker with whatever sweet nothings you whisper, but chances are, I'm just there to get laid. Very simple. I have found men to be the ones to initiate such casual relations, then suddenly freak out about them. Just to reiterate, I get it. I do. and I will wish you well finding love in the future and keep your bed warm in the meantime. I am ok with it. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. I've been tortured by feelings enough in my life, I don't have to do it to myself. I'll be gone if it gets too heavy for me. If its too heavy for you or too weird, say so, get out, and don't give me the cold shoulder. Its ok, we'll be fine, the world will go on turning. I can respect that you're done and don't want to continue.

And to the one person that I could care about if I tried: I don't want to change you. Which is why I don't try to care about you. You're set in your ways and incapable of trusting another human being in the way I would hope you would. Believe it or not, I get it better than you think I do. Which is why it saddens me, but it will always be like this, two trains on tracks that occasionally meet.

To the other person I find myself inexplicably caring about: I hope you figure it all out. I'm always here for you, to talk to, to hang out with, to help you understand the complexities of human behavior. We had our fun, but I think all that is far past us now. I choose to be where I am because I cannot handle anywhere else to be.


You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down
And you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around.
If there ain't all that much to lug around,
Better run like hell when you hit the ground.

When the morning comes.

I think this sums up my relationship with food lately.

Also, considering trying out for the Mad Rollin' Dolls. Just in case. Which is like trying out for the Packers if you're into football.

Frightening.

Chin up. Go with the flow. Stop eating so much.

Oh Nerd Boy... you odd, odd man.

I never said my father was normal, nor sane.

The other day (A Sunday), I am walking up the driveway. Its 11 am. I have last nights party dress on, my makeup has melted off my face, my hair a mess from dancing, sweating, then drying. I had told the parents I wouldn't be home at night if I was drinking with friends, and I was. My father sees this. His response?

"Hey kiddo. I gotta ask you something about these concrete blocks. Do these look straight? What should I do about the part where it meets the driveway?"

My answer: *grumble* sidewalk? now?

"I'm trying to get your mom to agree to add another row of these... she thinks its too much. I'd need more sand. What do you think?"

me: can I go change first?

I ended up sitting on the front step, half hungover, barely slept, sunglasses on, trying to help him figure out where he wants the sidewalk/patio/whatever-the-heck-you-wanna-call-it. Oh I'm also chugging water like a recently discovered victim of being buried alive.

Tonight I skated up and down the road. I had to come back for water once... other than that, I made 3 trips up and down the road on the flatter parts... I come inside.

"Back already?"

me: (wheeze) shins...

"Jeez, well you're sure sweating."

me: (wheeze) back (pant) hurts (cough) shin splints (chug water)

"Out of shape?"

Me: (look of death)

"what, you used to skate all the time?"

me: (heavy breathing while trying to angrily explain) In a RINK with my derby skates its easier. Its like comparing walking on a flat, hard surface to wading through waist deep water with a sand bottom. ITS HARDER.

"So you're sweaty."

me: *grumble*

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

sometimes you have to do the things you love to get your mind off the things you hate

So I decided to go check out the new derby in Delavan...

Very interesting. As usual, some cool chicks starting up a league. They've got all the hard stuff ahead of them, a place to practice that isn't big enough to host bouts, and girls trying their damnedest to get better each week at skating. I want to help them. I want to be part of their league.

I feel at home.

So much so that I ordered some SUPER grippy wheels. The floor is filthy. The owner of the rink also rents it out for banquets and such. Its an ancient building... one of the girls visiting from Stateline Derby Divas mentioned that her grandparents met there, as Janesville had no rink back in those days... It has the old fold-out windows, no air conditioning, and is a cinder block structure. Its absolutely cool though. I'd probably get air if it were my building (and refinish the floor, and not rent it out so that the floor gets so freaking disgusting that its like a slip n' slide for skaters...)

I need to find the rest of my gear... currently unsure where it is.

the girls seemed very friendly and also glad to see someone who wants to join who has already been immersed in derby before. One of the girls I talked to thought it was weird that I jam better than I block. I simply stated "I see much better forward than I do backward. I can't see people coming up behind very well." She nodded. This made sense. Most people in their right minds wouldn't think of jamming as "easier." Its not. But its an easier position to play so long as you have speed on your side and can take at least a few decent hits.

Derby is about the only thing that really helps me anytime I feel like shit.

Eventually I hope to move to Milwaukee for school and join Brewcity. I think my happiness lies outside of the town of Edgerton. Much as I don't mind it and its a fun place to visit... living here and spending long periods of time here are exhausting. Daily irritations by dramas I don't understand, friends changing behaviors, and that ever present nagging reminder of just how many times you've failed romantically and how many of these people all know each other, are friends, and somehow, the subject comes up between them. Or they give me some bullshit opinion on something. Or they somehow just make me feel shitty without really trying because of something they say.

Fuck all of that.

At least I have something to do that makes me feel a little less like a complete loser.

Although I could always look to the person who's currently residing on my old couch in my house, who doesn't help with the bills his mom and brother are trying to keep paid, while he sits on the couch eating. At least I'm employed. At least I buy my dad supper a lot of the time if I go somewhere or bring him a pizza... at least I buy my own soda and snacks unless my mom sees Coca-cola on sale... and if my mom asks if I have 10 bucks to give my dad because he doesn't have lunchmeat to pack a lunch, I leave it on the counter for him.

Speaking of which, hopefully I'll make some decent money tomorrow and Friday, I have a Dave and Buster's trip to go on. Also hoping good things for Tuesday as a friend and I are taking a mental health day at Mt. Olympus Waterpark.

Sometimes there's glimmers of hope in my sea of bleak.

Derby?

Found a start-up league over in Delavan. I'm pretty stoked. I think that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to keep yourself from either going nuts or being depressed.

I think I'll go to tonight's Wednesday practice.

Got asked to go do something tonight, but that same old fear and aggression towards the opposite sex is rearing its ugly head. I have no desire to try and open up and be social to anyone when all that happens is disappointment in the end. ALWAYS. I just don't have the energy to meet or deal with men. its aggravating.

*sigh*

I'll go do what will make me happy. Go skate in a HOT RINK and meet some new people who may soon be team mates! Maybe I'll be good enough to be a team Captain!!!

Thinking of my friends with life stressors right now... I'm there with ya kids. I hope everything gets better and goes smoothly. So many people have big stressors in their life, and mine is that I'm being crushed by a feeling of worthlessness.

I NEED to skate tonight. NEED.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down...

Just watched "Across the Universe" and cried through most of it. Partly because of the story, partly because of being moved by the happenings coupled with the songs, partly because I am totally and utterly alone. For anyone who hasn't seen it, the "Let It Be" segment early in the movie seriously made tears well up and fall... and that's not even a half hour in, I don't think. Also, it puts a lot of history out on the table. Reminds me what this country has been through and what has happened. I won't get all revolutionary on you...

I do know that I want to go to Ireland through MATC if I can somehow make it happen. I may have to borrow large sums of money. I don't care. Someday I am going to die alone, Loki won't outlive me, so I better damn well make sure living was worth dying for.

Plus I'm sick of being lonely and stuck in my parents house. Do you know how lonely it is to know that you may have been closed to actually loved by someone and you let it die? There's no do-overs. That everyone else never loved you for the person you are?

Its a heavy load to bear.

That's why I'm always looking for the next way out. Staying here is just a reminder in all the ways I fail as a human, or people aren't waving at me anymore, though I've done nothing to them, or that my friends that I hang out with (because they never have something better to do) are all drunk and chuck full of numerous disorders... and I'm allowing myself to go down with thier ship.

I don't know quite what else to do. I don't believe in love anymore. I've got nothing left to grasp onto, I'm just trying desperately to finish MATC and hopefully figure out the next step.

But I think I'm dying in small increments each day.

The block was dead Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue

Wow. WOW. I have known that lyric for years... today while my mom was navigating us down to the Beach, Daytona Beach, I hear her say "Take a left on A1A." And my mind said "BEACHFRONT AVENUE!"

Yes, suddenly, I realized...

So I continued to A1A is explaining specifically what road Vanilla Ice is driving on.

*facepalm*

Maybe I'm judgemental too...

Considering I just noticed the couple eating has matching Dale Earnhardt memorial sweatshirts on... and I was like "what the hell?"

I apply my personality in a paste.

So after having a quasi argument over "posers" with someone we all know, I had more questions than answers. This person's stance was such that:

When people who don't fit in with an original group get interested in something, they are all posers.
Anyone who can't wear their genre-attire to work is a poser.
People who dress up (rockabilly for example) when they go to concerts are posers.
Dudes with cuffed jeans, James Dean haircuts, and new motorcycles are posers.

The list goes on. But this dude managed to list off groups that included:
His sister, his best friends, and me.

Now, I don't get it. A person has to make a living. You can't always do it with pink hair, even if that's your passion. Believe me I tried in that stinking corporate pit. So he has less respect for people who let their freak flag fly on weekends and go back to corporate life during the week?

I don't know.

If he wasn't so God damn judgmental in the first place... I probably wouldn't have even started the conversation.

That is my current annoyance.

Oh dear, did I actualy like that movie more than I thought I would?

Look me in the eye
Then, tell me I'm satisfied
And now are you satisfied?

Everything goes
Well, anything goes all of the time
Everything you dream of
Is right in front of you
And everything is a lie


So I watched Whip It. And as per the usual, it made me miss derby terribly. I won't even go on about the non-reality of it, for Christ sakes its a movie.

Did remind me that I'm in charge of my own destiny. While things may still be up in the air... I still have something to look forward to.

The town in that movie is a more backwards Edgerton. Funny watching it, because it reminds me how much I hate Edgerton sometimes but at the same time it shapes me. I have learned to respect opinions other than my own, to argue points without stepping on toes. Because I'm surrounded by racists, hunters, rednecks, and republicans. Most of them I really like. So I don't try to piss them off unless they say something really upsetting. Then I'll get out my boxing gloves.

I had more to say but the words fall away... if I think of them I'll have to add them later.

Its a downgrade for sure...

I'd rather live in a brand new condo that only has one bedroom than live in my parents house. Those of you in the know have pictures in your email...

"So you're dating the pizza girl?"
"Yeah, she's going to school to be a teacher."
"Oh, that's lovely, its nice to meet you pizza girl."
"Yes, your son is lovely, and 7 years my junior, and by the time I'm done with college I'll be barren, kiss your hopes of grandchildren goodbye."

O, something is rubbing off on me lately.

I actually had that thought because I delivered to a house that had to be this cutie's parents. And he's much younger than me. Had to be his parents or a relative, because I recognized the smile. The weird thing is my worst-case-scenario fast forward brain decided to think all that in a nano-second. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I guess that's how I'm halfway decent at fiction writing... shit just comes into my head...

Requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't care what you perceive
I'm not here to make you see
Sometimes I just need to grieve
requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't give a fuck what they say
who cares about them anyway
i'll always find a way to be the new me
requiem for the girl I used to be


Sometimes I think about how different I feel now versus 5 years ago. I like who I am, I am ok with who I am, but its funny, sometimes I just remember that I was vastly different... especially days like today.

Sometimes I wish my brain had an off switch. Something bothered me the other day. I can't get my head around it or why it bothers me. But I saw this thing that said "you never stop loving someone either you never loved them in the first place or you still do." This bothered me because of the ex. THE EX. the double T. I no longer love him. It wouldn't even be healthy to love him. But I would say I did. I had to, otherwise why did I make sacrifices and work hard and try hard and care so much? It had to be love right? Just because I don't know because so much time has passed? I care about his general well-being, but he hasn't spoken to me in forever. I don't know a single thing about him anymore. Other than the fact he's constantly outside my place of work doing stuff for another business. Today he and a friend were walking out the back door of said establishment. I drove by waving. His friend (who came to my illegal lesbian wedding at a swamp, who is a nice guy) waved. The ex looked up upon hearing my overly loud car... he didn't do anything except just kind of stare. Like he didn't know what to do. Granted he was probably surprised. I wasn't prepared for my reaction to seeing him. I felt like I got punched in the sternum. What. The. Fuck. It doesn't make any sense. I guess I just ate a lot of pain back when things ended and it still swells up from time to time? I don't rightly know.

Another friend once said you don't stop loving someone, and if you can't be with them, and will never be with them, you just go with someone else. Made it sound like you just go for second best. I don't like that either. I didn't date after the demise of my relationship because I thought it wasn't fair when I couldn't like anyone more than the ex. Now I like most people more than the ex. Not that he isn't a good guy, just really not my type anymore. I need a freer spirit, someone who understands me better, someone who doesn't want me to fit a mold that I don't belong in, and I want someone who I don't feel misunderstands me. If I was still stuck on him, it wouldn't be fair to someone. Now I'm over him, and moved on, so I'd consider someone else.

Doesn't matter when you're over them, sometimes it still feels like you get punched in the sternum from time to time.

In completely unrelated news, the owl outside the windows hooting up a storm, the frogs out back are croaking happily, Cops-Sturgis Rally is on TV, and I am trying not to eat another Reese's peanut butter cup.

I'm completely out of my friend's mom's house... so whatever the real story is on that, I don't care. I just have my stuff out, in storage, and I'm hoping to find an apartment. Looking at a place downtown by the old school car wash... we'll see how that goes tomorrow.

Going to try to sleep.

And the overly epic music of this video game make this post anti-climatic

so much to tell but tired.

good news: completely out of old place. storage unit rented. loki staying in extra bedroom at parents. i'm in my childhood bedroom.

bad news: no place to live. maybe i can somehoe get approval for the efficiency. the realty company does credit checks and said i dont make enough money for the apt. Maybe the one I'm looking at tomorrow will accept me.

must. sleep. so. tired. so. much. moving. and. cleaning.

Need out. Out. Now.

I just miss Quark when I watch Alice in Wonderland...

Jabberwocky. I remember not being aware of what that was, where the name came from, due to my awareness of Alice in Wonderland only through the Disney movie as a child. But then I got a job doing graphic design. And eventually one day I was perusing the menus...

"Jabberwocky"

It was a tool. A tool called Jabberwocky? What does it do?

The option said "Jabber." Jabber away I did.

I started becoming engrossed in the random word patterns. Jabber works thusly: it is meant as a tool to help you decide a pretty damn approximate word count on any piece of text you might happen to put into a document with Quark. Its a wonderful tool. For instance, if you know you need to fit ~500 words into a particular document, you can Jabber and put text in there... then play with fonts and typefaces until you get what you want space-wise. This is especially helpful when working on a deadline and wanting to make sure something is going to fit... but the story isn't even written yet.

There was a beauty in jabber. It was randomly generated words of varying sizes... yet sometimes it was so random it appeared non-random. It was fascinating to me.

After seeing Alice, I was sad at the loss of Quark in my life, and sad at the loss of the jabber capability. I haven't used the text fill option on Adobe InDesign yet... somehow I don't think it will be the same for me.

Oh jabber, how I miss thee.

In other news, sounds like I am getting an efficiency apartment. No frills, just a tiny kitchen, a closet and bathroom. But I think that will suffice because I cannot afford to do much else. My mom's faxing the application in the morning. Wish me luck! Its not the greatest place in the world, definitely not the nicest, but whatever, I need to live somewhere, I think this will fit the bill. Windows for Loki too. That will make him happy. I'm also going to get his favorite hangy perch for him too. I hope he's content and not overly loud... I'm pretty sure that's where we're going to move.

A small town is a vast hell... OR I refuse to die in this god-forsaken hole.

Fuck. FUCK.

You know, it's not like I don't realize certain inalienable facts. Doesn't mean I can't wish they were different.

I wish I didn't have reactions to my ex. Really wish that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was true. I'd erase him. Oddly enough, when we first broke up I'd never dream of it.

But for Christ sake, its been almost 5 years. I'm sick of my gut reactions to stupid shit.

Before I wanted to keep every good memory. I wanted to cherish what we'd had that was good and remember how to love like that. For fucks sake I am so sick of it now. I don't really think about the good stuff, its a waste of time and doesn't change anything. My stupid fucking stomach sees his car and gets all icky. This is followed by the atypical "you werent good enough" line of thinking. I can squash that pretty easily by remembering that no ones perfect and he has plenty of faults and things he did that were just not even good. This is followed by the "but no one loves you now" thoughts, and the "everyone just judges you anyways."

I realize all this sounds crazy... and today I realized something.

I already want to get the hell out of here. But I realized I need to. LIKE REALLY NEED TO. Not just a desire, but something drastic is going to happen. Not like some serious thing people should be concerned for, but I'll just lose my mind and disappear one night, leaving everything I have floating in the air in my wake.

I just can't keep seeing the same people, hearing the same shitty rumors, having the same conversations with my friend about how we're both destined to be something so much better. We're destined to be authors. This whole town thinks we're losers and drunks.

I just need to get the fuck away.

Looking forward to graduating from MATC. I think I have to go to Milwaukee. I can't die in this fucking town. And going to WW wouldn't fucking help me at all.

I don't know.

I just need to take a hiatus and stay indoors.

I really hope whatever is wrong with the other delivery driver's car gets fixed soon, because seeing the ex's car, and a fleeting glimpse of him, then his girlfriends car, I can't really accept that I am in shitville still and not doing something better for myself.

The most annoying part of seeing him is the reminder that somehow, we're linked to this past, we can't have a future as friends, and are apparently supposed to not be friends or talk... I mean him no ill will, I don't ever want him back, why can't he and I be friends?

Oh well.

There should be a breathalyzer on my roller skates

Yeah, I went out last night after work and somehow decided that grabbing my roller skates while I was grabbing a sweatshirt was a totally rad idea. It was pretty fun, I don't usually fall or anything. A bystander told me I have super fly moves. If that isn't funny... Honestly, I think I am having way too much fun. I don't want to stop having fun, I think that would be very unlike me. I mean, come on, we've all been part of these crazy oddball drunken adventures. The cone-napping? (I still imagine BT saying "you mean there's been a CONE-NAPPING!" to the police officer checking out the perimeter... good thing we feigned ignorance and they didn't see our cone-a-lingus pictures).

I did, however, get scolded for making too much noise. I guess rollerskating across a large wooden floor in a large empty cavernous space with brick walls will echo into neighboring apartments.

But my God, it wasn't like I was the one singing "Levon" at the top of my lungs.

I guess I should enjoy the ride... some day I won't be enjoying it anymore, or I'll be leaving. Might as well just experience whatever there is to experience... I'd rather have lived and have stories I'm embarrassed to tell than to have never felt anything at all.

Also, I should NOT get into philosophical discussions about becoming famous authors with other friends... where we sit and talk about how we ahve this potential for greatness, we're going to acheive it, and everyone will have least expected it from us. This makes me send cryptic emails to one of my best friends in the world at ungodly hours that are answered with worry and the question "are you OK?"

I am OK. I just apparently think I'm Hunter S. Thompson Light or something. I wax more poetic about ridiculous situations than necessary.

Welcome to off the rails. Population: me. Maybe i need to stop partying my problems away...

Rollerskating at 3am. Drunk. Told i have super fly moves. I love my life.

sometimes life hands you lemons, and you can't afford sugar, the water's turned off, and vodka is unavailable.

So now I have 2 weeks to get out. 2 weeks. If I lived in a normal place I'd get the 30 days like normal. I'm getting fucked.

So now I'm homeless and unsure how to proceed.

I guess I'm going back to the parents. I hope we can figure something out for Loki because I don't want to have to board him again... they were great to him there but poor guy...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and you can't afford the vodka.

So here's the newest situation... I need to find another place to live. I've not been given anything like a deadline of when to get out, I just hope to God to get a place and sneak away from here. I don't like drama, or listening to sighing side comments. I just want to get the fuck out and be free. I'm looking at an efficiency in town on Monday. I don't want to move closer to school, because I've gotten kind of used to and happy with living here close to work.

Aaaaaaand... my house payment went up. I'll probably end up having to raise rent at some point. God, this really sucks. I only foresee a couple ways of this panning out...

foreclosure.
selling the house at a loss.

Either option sucks balls. I can't afford to live in my own home anymore. I don't know what will happen. I don't care. Not in an apathetic kind of way, but just in a "worrying about this shit will just give me more gray hairs so fuck it, I'll see what happens" kind of way.

Its like everyday the options change...

(518): i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

I love textsfromlastnight.com

Sometimes its ridiculously funny... sometimes its so true its funny.

Well what the fuck I might as well entertain you

with teasers of random, disconnected thoughts, as promised by the blog title.

"How do you know when you're in love?"
I looked at him as if he'd said the dumbest thing in the world.
"I'm serious. I really don't know. I think I love people. I may have loved them. My inability to say accurately that I was, in fact, in love with this girl makes me doubt that I know a fucking thing about love." He said.
"Love makes you want to puke at some point."
Now he stared at me like I was the idiot.
"Its true. Every time I think about when I was in love, I remember some sort of moment where I wanted to vomit. Either because I was nervous in their presence, excited to see them, or because something had gone wrong in our relationship, and it was crushing me. Big, ominous moments of wanting to grab the nearest garbage can and start hurling out my emotions at high velocity."
He looked like he thought about it for a minute, then seemed to shake it off in his head. "No, that seems a bit extreme. Besides, you're still single. What does that say about love and vomit to you?"
"maybe its more accurate to say it feels like being gutted like a hunter's prey hanging in a front yard. Its definitely a feeling in the torso."

You got me wondering why I, I like it rough, I like it rough

Yes, I am quoting Lady Gaga.

This could be taken many ways.

A. I like love that's damn near impossible, against the odds, etc.
B. I like "it" rough.

Take your pick.

"The one you love and the one that loves you are never, ever the same person." from 'Invisible Monsters'

This doesn't always ring true, but as of right now, it does. Why? Well, I have had a serious case of the "likes" for the same grumpy curmudgeon who is stuck in his ways for years. What's holding us back? We're both deathly afraid of each other. Maybe he doesn't like me as much as I like him. Maybe we'll drive each other nuts and end up apart anyways. Maybe we'd do good things for each other (like smoothing each other's rough edges). Maybe nothing. Maybe something.

Maybe maybe maybe.

Does it say anything too that I am one of the few people that can really take him to task? He often listens to me. I can usually keep up with whatever goofy ass tangent he's on, and somehow, for some reason, I like his weird, zany self. I mean he's out there. (Don't even point a finger at me, I know people say that about me too). Well kids, it ain't gonna change unless one of us changes it. And so help me God, I try. I do. But I cannot beat down his door, jump in his lap, and tell him "Fuck it lets just do this thing."

So what am I doing? Spending my time with someone else teaching them the finer details in the dominant vs. submissive game. I'm constantly asking myself what I am doing. Yes, there is chemistry that way. He annoys the crap out of me often. If we ever truly dated, we'd argue a lot. Heck, sometimes I don't even LIKE him. But a person has needs, and he's fufilling them.

We've had numerous conversations about this, and I think he finally gets it. I get it, anyways. There is no "us."

Plus, let's just say that helps the writing process. Or at least, the creative process.

I can't even believe I've committed that to written word. I've admitted it. *sigh*

Back to the writing process. I think its time to try outlines.

Sometimes even I can't believe my life...

I think I've seen everything...

"Hi there! I'm smiling like I'm getting my senior picture taken while wearing this getup!" At least he's happy and confident in who he is... I mean, just look at that SMILE!

I got a message from someone on OKC... I told him about the cross dresser who wanted me to verbally berate him while he went downtown... he told me about the wheelchair hottie who had such specific taste, he feared that she'd never get what she wants. But, if she did, he'd gladly shake her hand.

Now before you say "what the hell" or think that there is any judgement against the girl in the wheelchair, there isn't. The first sentence of her profile explained that she was born premature and that she uses a wheelchair, getting that out of the way. Pretty much saying if you don't like it, don't read further. He told me her profile was quite funny, she had a great sense of humor. She's bisexual.

Here comes the odd part.

As we've mentioned before, children. So this girl is not looking for men. Its flattering but no. He keeps reading anyways, she's got an engaging profile and a quick wit.

She's specifically hoping to meet a pregnant woman.

So let's get this straight:

A bisexual girl who uses a wheelchair to get around, wants a pregnant lesbian.

I can't believe she's that specific in her desires. But you know what? Good for her. She's putting out there exactly what she wants. She's not settling.

the internet's corners always find ways to entertain me at any hour.

I find that some dating profiles are so specific it boggles the mind.

Which says to me, I can be as specific as I want.

I should write down "If you're not afraid to do something that any sane person would call stupid, make videos pretending to be spies, get hurt in the name of entertainment or live a life hovering somewhere short of Hunter S. Thompson's life... then message me. If you want to make small talk with me by telling me to smile or asking if I'm bored at the bar... you should definitely not."

I'm not against men who are older than me. To the contrary. But this new influx of older men, who look more fatherly... men who look older than my own damn dad. making inane small talk. "You look bored." WOW. Or "Do you hate men or people in general?" either they're smiling and rambling on about something boring, thinking they're in like flynn, or they're getting insulting because I have tired of playing nice, and the sarcasm comes out. There's young ones too. It's like, I can tell in 4 words we have nothing in common. They still try to work it though.

I know that small talk is a skill. And honestly, if you don't look like you were born in the 40s, have something in common with me, however little, and want to talk about something even MINUTELY interesting, I will give you a bit of my attention. If you are incessantly tapping my shoulder, then asking if i wanna hear a "ballin' jam" or saying "you're nicer than your friend, she's a bitch" because I haven't lost my temper and screamed at you yet... yeah fuck you. I got a guy kicked out of a bar because he touched my cousins back, gave her the icks, started doing the tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-TAP on my shoulder while I ignored him, shushed him when he interrupted conversation, and finally just said "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP YOU ARE BEING SUPER RUDE INTERRUPTING EVERYONE ELSE WHO'S TALKING!!!"

Maybe that douchebag was right, maybe I hate people in general, because I get equally annoyed by rude people of either gender.

Today I waited on a table of 5 adults. They spent 50 dollars in food. I brought their food out, bussed the table when they left... They didn't leave a God Damn dime.

Really? Because I was very pleasant to them, and I made sure they had everything they needed, offered dessert, what have you.

People just irritate the living fuck out of me.

Two guys who came in and drank a few beers made up for it. Far as I could tell at least one was a firefighter. The other one, he made a few jokes about being drunk after 2 beers and made lots of eye contact. WHY THE HELL did I have to be wearing a hoodie and a baseball hat?!

They tipped quite well.

"Have you ever noticed that every interaction between us reminds me of one of those movies from the 40s?" He looks at me puzzled. "Seriously, it's like you're very forceful with me, you're the man, you know what's best, I try to thwart your advances, you overtake me anyways." He gets a self-satisfied grin, and nods "Oh yeah."
"Well, knock it off, you don't get to win today." I tell him matter-of-factly.
"Are you sure?" he says to me, grabbing me around the waist and squeezing me so hard I swear one of my ribs is going to break.
"Well, if you break my spine, nobody's going to be happy."

I keep getting random story ideas, random thought processes, random spurts of writing. I write in such a haphazard way. I realized this when talking about the writing process with a friend. He has high aspirations to write novels, informative books, etc. One day at his house quite a while ago I grabbed one of his yellow pads off the couch and started to peruse it while he was in the bathroom. He came back out, snatched it out of my hand and told me I couldn't read it. But he relented anyways. He's driven by ego and I think he was proud of what he'd started. It was a labyrinth of plot points, an outline, a cohesive, organized idea pattern. I told him I couldn't even fathom writing like that. I can't. Why? Because sometimes its like I'm channeling something else. I can't explain it, its like watching a movie, I have some control over where its going to go but conversations and ideas flow really organically. I just sit there and it goes around and around in my head. I could stand some outlining though, I have some mildly entertaining excerpts but no real congealed story. He was almost envious.

Maybe I should start working harder at making a plot outline... yes, odd (read: fucked up) stories drive the book and the reader... but it needs to fill a format and leave a person with a sense of a beginning, a middle, an end.

Work work work.

Here comes the sun, and I say, its all right.

So I have an idea. I was thinking of taking the one semester massage therapy courses. I will still go to school for art education, it just gives me one more potential outlet to make money. And not a bad thing either. Maybe I'll get over the feeling of being icked out by strangers.

Also, I want to go to Milwaukee. When I'm finished with school, I discussed moving back to NM with a friend. Maybe Arizona. We'll see.

I am always wondering what the next step is... I just think Milwaukee would be better for me as a person than Whitewater. I think I'd feel like I was accomplishing more. I've had some friends move there. I think I'd even try out for their roller derby.

I just feel like maybe the feeling of slight stagnation and sometimes wondering how the hell I'll get by is part of the optimism I have about my future... I am not tied to things the same. My house is rented. I have a place to live, but no lease so I can go anytime. I have much to look forward to. And a lot of times I think getting out of this area is the biggest step forward I can make.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob...

Expert textpert choking smokers, don't you think the joker laughs at you? See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how the snide... I'm crying...

I was listening to that this morning.

I think I want to save people from themselves too much sometimes. I care too much about people. What do I do when I find a drunken friend who has apparently fallen and cut themselves, who must have pissed off the people they were with so badly they got abandoned, wandered away, and showed up where I happen to be?

Well, friends... I take care of that person. I have done it times before, I'll do it times again. I don't resent it or become aggravated by it. I am seldom in such situations but I would hope that if I was, that someone like me would be around to help.

Maybe its karma. I don't think its actually sunk into his head yet how lucky he was I was there... he could have ended up with some strange person... He could have hit on some lady and gotten into some world of trouble. Instead his friend took care of him and he's sitting there wondering exactly what the hell he did to himself.

Someday I may not be there. Someday I may tire of these antics and abandon one of them myself. Some day I might have a life outside of getting drinks after covering someone's shift at the restaurant and going into a bar to say hi to a friend who's working. Someday I might not be there, will they notice? Any of them?

Probably.

They'll either get their shit together, all of them, or they'll grow stagnant and repeat the same behaviors over and over. If they end up doing the latter, some other soul with a heart of gold will step into my shoes and take care of them.

Because by then I'll be long gone.

I think they're here to teach me something. I don't often tap into my gooey center and my instinctual nature. It reminds me sometimes why I like who I am so much. Yes, lots of people think I'm a pushover. I do hold my ground but only if I deem it worthwhile. But I will always help someone.

One of these friends mothers whom I work with/for said that I've got something different than the guys she sees me hanging around with, the ones she knows. She says I have some semblance of responsibility. I take care of things I need to take care of. I do what is expected of me and squeeze my partying/drinking into times that are convenient and outside of time when I am expected to be somewhere or have to get up in the morning.

You know I love those guys... they're lucky I'm around sometimes... but I can't be there forever.

In other news, I have yet to run into someone who gets my heart all aflutter recently. Its too bad. He's another one of those emotionally stunted cases, knows what he feels but is too chicken/stubborn/stuck in his ways to do anything about it.

See, I just don't sit around waiting for these people to figure it out.

In that vein, more lyrics:

It's not what you thought, when you first began it. You got what you want, now you can hardly stand it though, by now you know it's not going to stop... 'Til you wise up.
You're sure there's a cure, and you have finally found it. You think one drink will shrink you 'til you're underground and living down...

Oh fuck, welcome to perfect timing...

So I got done with work, went to say Hi to my cousin at the bar she works at, and got a wild hair to go buy Beatles Rock Band with tip money I had received.

See, yesterday, we were playing the game and the xbox got kicked over. This is what happens when drunk people play video games. The disc I had got scratched super bad. I had a premonition... I just thought "Why in the world would that fall over?" Stupid me.

So I ventured to Walmart, too tired to drink, converse, or be social with friends, I figured I'd scour the empty store and get the game, go back home, etc.

I didn't realize it was New Moon release day. Not like there was a bunch of people in there... just a few really annoying teenagers... they were just ridiculous. I can't even explain. Also, they were doing a running commentary on the Batman demo game... wow. They aren't very smart, witty or funny. But they sure as hell thought they were.

As far as me being in there during a release of a Twilight Saga movie... yeah wouldn't have planned that. (And its making me hate the word "saga" because its always mentioned as the Twilight Saga in the media. Saga. Barfa.)

Its the principle. I now look like some deranged twilighter who needs New Moon right now. And I'm not ripping on the franchise. People love it. People that I love love it. I just think that too much hype of anything is irritating. I couldn't even hear the name "Britney" for quite a while because I got overload of Ms. Spears. I don't think that teeny bopper fiction books are a horrible thing. even with the unrealistic expectations or scenarios. Yes, no one does anything naughty. Whatever. I'd rather have teenage girls waiting to have sex with someone than just doing it with some douchebag boyfriend who says they should. Its not a horrible mark on society like some would have it made out to be. It's not properly written. Well, its a teen novel series. Its not a Greek epic. Its not meant for adults either, though it is widely enjoyed by adults.

So I work around the small scatterings of people and find the games I want in the case.

So I get the guy to unlock the thing for me. There's a woman with her 2 copies of New Moon, some poster thing, and a shitty look on her face at the register. I walk up with the clerk. Note. The clerk has my games. He begins ringing them up. I am using cash for Beatles and my debit card for the other, reduced price game. The woman sniffs at this. You know, that sound coming out of someone's nose that says "Oh, REALLY she gets to go first?" I just went along with what the clerk is doing. Mind you, the guy has a mild disability. I'm willing to be patient. Not Ms. Nasal cavity chorus. She starts to make more audible sounds. and shes standing like within a foot of me. Its making me uncomfortable. at this point I don't know what the fuck she wants me to do. And continuing to shuffle her feet and sigh loudly, sniffing, exhaling, whatever the fuck she's doing is getting aggravating.

So he isn't the fastest clerk in the world. Give the guy a break. She starts snorting. I am serious that is the only way to explain that sound. I just want to clock her alongside the head... but more than that, I want to get the fuck away and go play video games in solace.

I really hate people sometimes.

Cue the carosel music.

I talked out lots of things with someone I was pissed at. I was only pissed because of his way of dealing with his own feelings... the silent treatment. We talked a lot. He apologized for his way of coping... I am a forgiving sort. I explained a lot of things too. I think he was under the impression that I deluded myself in some sort of way. It was refreshing to talk to him like a friend again. I have missed that part. We are fated to never be something other than friends, so I'm glad that didn't disappear.

Someone else reminded me of my value as a human being. Yet another has not said much, but been in contact. 2 of the 3 have directly tried to remind me that I have needs as a person... I am trying to stay away from such activities. Seriously. I need to stay home and away from everyone for a while. Yeah, this is vague. I will blog when I feel there's something more to say.

Muffin top... ha ha ha

OHMYGOD, blueberry muffin top cereal ROCKS. Take this moment to laugh to yourself that I am eating something called "muffin top" at almost 3 am.

Done? Good.

It's still unbelievably delicious. I got it at Kwik Trip. I think I should just start living off this, maybe I'd lose weight. Maybe if I didn't eat at 3 am. Maybe if I was that concerned, I'd change some habits.

I cannot wait to get my bicycle. I hope its not going to be in the way in the garage. It's a really nice Trek bike that my mom bought but seldom uses. Spring is here! I had the window open and the Beatles cranked! I heard "Here Comes The Sun" and it was like magic. Go ahead and scoff. I'm so fucking sick of winter that if it suddenly came back tomorrow you might have to put me on suicide watch. I AM DONE WITH WINTER.

I hope I can get some tattoos soon. Seriously jonesing for the Cantonese "Chicken with Rice" tattoo on my ankle. Also considering the chubby bird (Anyone who's seen my car knows what that looks like, but if you don't, leave a comment saying so and I'll post a pic from my old laptop, it has a chubby bird sticker on it).

We'll see if I can handle the pain.

St. Patrick's Day... if I didn;t have to be in Madison and in school learning, I'd consider doing one of those St. Pat's all day benders. Never done it before. :)

We'll see what happens after school...

I'd love to go to the Downtown Janesville bars, I'm sure Kilted men will be out... but, I don't like driving when I want to drink. Guess I'll be hitting downtown Edgerton. Maybe one stop on State Street before going home... see what the crazy kids are up to.

Now, my milk is working, I'm feeling sleepy...

Reason #136 I shouldn't have kids: Loki won't go to sleep, is screaming, and I just said "you're a jerk and nobody likes you" in frustration at him.

I just keep coming back for more.

I can't believe the whole online dating thing. I don't know. I guess it may work. I just keep coming back to it. Someone added me as a favorite and would like me to know. So what did I do? Send a message? Ask a question? Go the chicken route and send a virtual wink? Nope. I did the exact same maneuver. Added him as a favorite and let him know. I am SO FUCKING PROACTIVE.

So I'm getting messages from 18 year olds who "aren't ready for a commitment but looking to date casually." *SIGH* What the fuck? REALLY? Sure sonny boy, let me show you the way of the world, let me teach you. No thanks. I have some sort of issue with this. Though deflowering nerds would be kind of fun... I like nerds and geeks way more. Oh my god. Could you imagine a skinny nerdy kid falling for me? I can't but you never know. My 19 year old cousin moved in with a chick with a 6 year old who's close to my age... He's not geeky though, he's all metal and stuff.

Now I'm saving people as favorites and age discriminating. Oh, Mr. 24-year-old, you're cute, but it's just not gonna work for me. I do not need any more hassles from the younger generation, who don't have their shit figured out, or don't want to take me seriously or appreciate me for who I am.

Distractions.

"Firewall" is on the TV at work... Harrison Ford is getting all... Harrison Ford. :)

I'm tired and wish I were outside. Maybe tomorrow will be nice and I can go to Madison early.

Is it really a fetish if you just like it a whole bunch?

I am still awake, still browsing shoes. I think it's time to admit I have a problem. A shoe problem. I love them. I love them so much. I want them all. I love love love love love love love shoes. Heels especially lately. Which is not going to be conducive to my love life considering I'm already 5'6" and I'll be towering over some of my potential paramours.

But God almighty do I love shoes. I am looking for the perfect pair of ankle-strap "sandal" style pumps with a small platform on the ball of the foot. The larger the platform is (and higher the heel is) the more "exotic dancer" I feel they look. It's just not a look I can pull off with any mastery. I probably just look like a tool.

I put the ones in the hallway on a lot though. I can actually walk in them. They probably make me close to 6 feet tall. But lord help me if I stepped wrong in those... holy shit. I'd break an ankle or take someone out.

this is the exact shoes I am talking about.

http://www.funkypair.com/6inchopentoeplatformsexyshoe.aspx

I found them on the internet due to the brand name.

I think I have a full blown shoe fetish. I need to go to a support group. Shoeaholics anonymous? I LOVE SHOES. Sneakers, heels, Converse, boots, Doc Martens...

You are "Cowgirl"

Yeah I took some random quiz/survey thing and it came up with that.

Like I need to think about such things.

People around me are getting action... me, not so much.

I'm watching my guy friends come into their own of actually getting some chicks (if not just making out with them on the streets in downtown Edgerton. BWAHAHAHA) I am being very very very very choosy in any endeavors of the loins these days. (because I wouldn't go so far as to say they are endeavors of the heart). I think something's wrong with me because I turned down a very tempting no-strings offer. Why? My head's wrapped around something else, and if I'm not 1000% into the idea, I'm going to suck at it.

I've got to get up earlier than usual (which isn't early to anyone with a normal schedule). But I'm not sleepy. Suck. It's my 12-hour day.

Its almost 3 am. Fuck you Daylight Savings.

I quoted Matchbox 20 on my Facebook. WEIRD. "I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me." I know I have in the past... but probably not in the past few years. There's only one possible exception... I'm not so deluded that I think that anyone really loves me these days. I guess we'll see if it ever comes around for me.

Another male friend is on the "off again" with his gf. I don't even know what to think of those two, they've been doing this for years.

Is it a new moon?

So take me tonight I'm yours, and I've been craving your company

Got the new Langhorne Slim today. Just found out after a visit to Lindsay's that it was out. Loving it.


We're floatin' out, fallin'
somewhere in outer space
I'll keep on loving you
You know me better than the rest
Maybe we should flip a coin and hold our breath


Went on a little shopping excursion today. Either I'm excited its spring or I'm depressed. One may never know. I bought peep toe pumps with chrome heels. OH YEAH! Also got red skinny jeans with holes in them. Kinda ridiculous, but I shop at Plato's closet because I'm too poor for new clothes. I can still look good. :)


You ever feel like a fish out of water?
Well, I do, sometimes
You ever feel like a lamb out to slaughter?
I have in my mind
You ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?

You ever live through a Wisconsin winter?
Still, you had to go outside
You ever lose to feel like the winner?
Nothing could f*** with your pride
Tell me, you ever feel like nothing is real
And has it ever, has it ever blown
Has it ever blown your mind?

You ever feel like a fish out of water?
I do, sometimes


So I'm considering something really left field. I am considering going to school for massage therapy. I won't stop going for art education, I'll just get this certificate while I go and maybe, potentially make money. I probably won't be able to do it this spring, it will probably be fall. I should talk to someone at school about it. I think it would be good. My dad told me a few times I should go into the field. I can probably get over the icks of touching strangers. I mean, its gotta be like acting, or changing diapers. You just go into another state, like a professional state. (yes, I get barfy when I have to change diapers, its quite the procedure for me to change them. I seriously would not want to barf on someone's child).

It's at least semi-decent money.

I have a dream to be a teacher but outlook isn't so hopeful these days... I will keep plugging away at it. Maybe if I do this in the process I'll be in a better financial situation. I could either do massage out of home or in other people's homes if I were to invest in a table... or I can get a job at a spa or a place around here. We'll see.

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way I don't wanna wake up from you

I had the weirdest dream.

I was at some sort of large party with a certain someone. We were just both talking to people, hanging out, etc. Then, I started talking to a woman, who was supposed to be his mother. He walked over, put his arm around me, and said to her "I'm not really missing out on everything." smiled at me, smiled at her, then walked away. I have no idea what that means.

I also had a weird dream that I am so writing into a short story. It pretty much involved my grandparents not being my real grandparents and I actually came from some weird grandparents in florida with lots of money.

Dreams have been vivid lately. I am still tired a lot and not sleeping when I should, but at least I know REM sleep is coming, which is the one you need to avoid going insane.

Also had a dream that the person I referred to as a tragic waste of skin came up behind me, put his hands on my hips, gave me this look, and was pretty much asking me back to his house. I was not turning around because I didn't want to look at him, but I felt him get close to my hair so I spun around and said "that ship has sailed." and stormed out.

I also gave up hope again on finding some sort of other half. At least temporarily. It just annoys the shit out of me.

Plus, seems no one can figure out how to deal with me in a manner that doesn't annoy the fucking shit out of me.

So the subject of children keeps coming up...

You can tell when something is the right idea, maybe not immediately, but someday. Even if it feels like it kills you at the time.

My ex and I (the one I lived with in his house, who constantly stated such, to remind me that we weren't really in this together) had a discussion around age 25 for me, 27 for him. I was told he was never having children. MAYBE he'd reconsider, but in almost all cases, no. NO KIDS. I was sad about this... we'd been together for years. I didn't need marriage or the promise of financial support, I just wanted to know if it was even a possibility. Our upbringings shape us as people, so he had the constant thought process that someone was just going to screw him in the end no matter if he loved them or not, and I had the thought that couples should trust each other and work towards marriage, believe in each other and support each other no matter what. One of us is from divorced parents, one married parents. We also had different thoughts on what's good for the individual vs what's good for everything. But of course, that's all in the past.

People always get the wrong impression from him. I'm not saying he's right in all his beliefs, trust me it was the cause of fights. But he is not a bad person. He just wasn't meant to be with me. When we first met back in school he thought I was outrageous, but kinda nifty. He chided my current boyfriend at the time for saying I was embarrassing. He told me I was unlike anyone he ever knew. I know he fell in love with independent me, and I loved responsible him. We had a lot of wonderful times together, and I still have yet to meet someone who understands truly STUPID humor. We used to laugh about everything. Its still there because a couple of times, I talked to him and something ridiculous happened, and I noticed both of us snicker and cover our mouths... something I started doing when I realized NO ONE ELSE gets why its funny. Then we looked at each other and laughed really hard. I could tell he'd still been laughing... like me... without someone to share it with. I'm not in love with him, I still like him as a friend. But everything we were was dictated by him and I feel we're better apart. I also think he probably learned some life lessons and had experiences, maybe grew up more after we parted. I certainly did, I brought myself back from the dead and found my old self after our breakup.

He didn't want kids. He didn't want marriage. He wanted everything he worked for in his name. We got in a fight because I wanted him to leave a will leaving his house to his sister and father. I had nightmares about this stuff. His mom and I were on the not-speaking terms by the time the relationship ended. I know a lot had to do with me looking out for him. I think his mother took it the wrong way. I didn't WANT anything of his... I just wanted to make sure that in the event that he died, the most empathetic people to my situation would be in control of his property. So I could have time to grieve, to find a new place to live... etc. (Yes, I actually thought that even though I had helped on this house and so had my father, that I'd be kicked out in the event of my ex's death. Like, the next day, due to the fact that he didn't really own his house, in legal sense).

I hoped for the best, got the worst, the relationship ended, I felt disemboweled. But with the death of that relationship I felt was the death of my ability to have children. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it hasn't proven otherwise. We'll call him #2 to clarify... seeing as how this is the internet, I ain't using names. And in this reference #2 will make sense.

So upon getting the news that he's having a baby with the new girlfriend, a friend was concerned of how I would take this news. She was considerate in that. She was worried it would bug me. Yes, I was with him for 8 of my child-bearing years. But, I had already adjusted to how things are going to be from this point forward.

I took it well considering that I had heard she was on his case about having kids before she got too old, that she wanted to get married, etc. etc. (all normal things to most of the population). I figured that's what was going to happen.

Also, one of my exes (we'll call him #1) had already gotten married, and had a baby. That was my first dealing with the "it could have been me" thoughts and all that weird crap that goes through a woman's head. Maybe some sort of crazy biological thing.

Now I'm pretty sure I'll never have kids. I know women can have them all the way up to 40. But I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I also explained this in depth to my grandma tonight... she was on that "get married have kids" kick she gets on. I was like "Oh no, Erik (my cousin) is taking that bullet for me!" He married his high school sweetheart and they're expecting their first baby now. She had also tried to explain it as being the end of my family line, for my mother and father... they only had one child, i have none. Grandma, that isn't really an argument.

#1's baby made me think, because we talked about what a kid would look like. #2 isn't so bad, although I had once talked to him when he was kinda drunk and he was saying our kids would be cute brunettes with green eyes. and I had picked out a name for a boy or girl. I got to this thought process of "I'm never having kids" and people I've had fleeting quasi-relationships with since the end of #2 have said things like this to me:
"Unless you've accidentally got (name withheld) junior growing in your belly right now."
"We would have the freckliest babies ever"
"Man you're strong. But I'm stronger. Our kids would be brutes."
"You'd be a great mom, you don't need some nitwit like me to tell you that. Wait, maybe you will be."
"Do you ever think being with me is going to hurt your chances of being a mom someday?"

Really. This baffles me.

maybe men have some weird thing in their heads that makes them get a biological clock of sorts.

There have been those that say nothing about it. But oddly there are enough of them who actually are mentioning it, that it seems weird to me.

I wonder if I can get my tubes tied... Cause do I ever really need kids?

Strange...

So I'm looking at my online dating thing, blah blah blah.

Someone added me to his "saved profiles" list.

On his profile it says "Not emotionally available right now but I'm working on it."

Is anyone, really? Am I? are you, dear reader? Do you find yourself holding back things sometimes?

I don't know why this irked me. Its not like I won't give someone a fighting chance I suppose. But in all seriousness, am I EVER going to meet an emotionally available man, who likes chicks like me? I don't hold my breath on that one.

I've spent enough time in unrequited love with an emotionally unavailable man. Even in "sort-of-like" and "he's-neat" with emotionally unavailable men.

I just transferred a folder of writing that I had feared was lost. It makes my heart feel good. The novel in progress isn't lost and neither are the short stories. Paranoid Android was scaring me with that. At least Paranoid Android will probably have a good life as a computer for my parents. P.A. is getting a hard drive wipe, software reinstall, and hopefully will be cooperative. Not like they can really do anything with it right now, but hopefully my mom will get a modem or cell phone she can use with it someday.