sometimes you have to do the things you love to get your mind off the things you hate

So I decided to go check out the new derby in Delavan...

Very interesting. As usual, some cool chicks starting up a league. They've got all the hard stuff ahead of them, a place to practice that isn't big enough to host bouts, and girls trying their damnedest to get better each week at skating. I want to help them. I want to be part of their league.

I feel at home.

So much so that I ordered some SUPER grippy wheels. The floor is filthy. The owner of the rink also rents it out for banquets and such. Its an ancient building... one of the girls visiting from Stateline Derby Divas mentioned that her grandparents met there, as Janesville had no rink back in those days... It has the old fold-out windows, no air conditioning, and is a cinder block structure. Its absolutely cool though. I'd probably get air if it were my building (and refinish the floor, and not rent it out so that the floor gets so freaking disgusting that its like a slip n' slide for skaters...)

I need to find the rest of my gear... currently unsure where it is.

the girls seemed very friendly and also glad to see someone who wants to join who has already been immersed in derby before. One of the girls I talked to thought it was weird that I jam better than I block. I simply stated "I see much better forward than I do backward. I can't see people coming up behind very well." She nodded. This made sense. Most people in their right minds wouldn't think of jamming as "easier." Its not. But its an easier position to play so long as you have speed on your side and can take at least a few decent hits.

Derby is about the only thing that really helps me anytime I feel like shit.

Eventually I hope to move to Milwaukee for school and join Brewcity. I think my happiness lies outside of the town of Edgerton. Much as I don't mind it and its a fun place to visit... living here and spending long periods of time here are exhausting. Daily irritations by dramas I don't understand, friends changing behaviors, and that ever present nagging reminder of just how many times you've failed romantically and how many of these people all know each other, are friends, and somehow, the subject comes up between them. Or they give me some bullshit opinion on something. Or they somehow just make me feel shitty without really trying because of something they say.

Fuck all of that.

At least I have something to do that makes me feel a little less like a complete loser.

Although I could always look to the person who's currently residing on my old couch in my house, who doesn't help with the bills his mom and brother are trying to keep paid, while he sits on the couch eating. At least I'm employed. At least I buy my dad supper a lot of the time if I go somewhere or bring him a pizza... at least I buy my own soda and snacks unless my mom sees Coca-cola on sale... and if my mom asks if I have 10 bucks to give my dad because he doesn't have lunchmeat to pack a lunch, I leave it on the counter for him.

Speaking of which, hopefully I'll make some decent money tomorrow and Friday, I have a Dave and Buster's trip to go on. Also hoping good things for Tuesday as a friend and I are taking a mental health day at Mt. Olympus Waterpark.

Sometimes there's glimmers of hope in my sea of bleak.

Derby?

Found a start-up league over in Delavan. I'm pretty stoked. I think that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to keep yourself from either going nuts or being depressed.

I think I'll go to tonight's Wednesday practice.

Got asked to go do something tonight, but that same old fear and aggression towards the opposite sex is rearing its ugly head. I have no desire to try and open up and be social to anyone when all that happens is disappointment in the end. ALWAYS. I just don't have the energy to meet or deal with men. its aggravating.

*sigh*

I'll go do what will make me happy. Go skate in a HOT RINK and meet some new people who may soon be team mates! Maybe I'll be good enough to be a team Captain!!!

Thinking of my friends with life stressors right now... I'm there with ya kids. I hope everything gets better and goes smoothly. So many people have big stressors in their life, and mine is that I'm being crushed by a feeling of worthlessness.

I NEED to skate tonight. NEED.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down...

Just watched "Across the Universe" and cried through most of it. Partly because of the story, partly because of being moved by the happenings coupled with the songs, partly because I am totally and utterly alone. For anyone who hasn't seen it, the "Let It Be" segment early in the movie seriously made tears well up and fall... and that's not even a half hour in, I don't think. Also, it puts a lot of history out on the table. Reminds me what this country has been through and what has happened. I won't get all revolutionary on you...

I do know that I want to go to Ireland through MATC if I can somehow make it happen. I may have to borrow large sums of money. I don't care. Someday I am going to die alone, Loki won't outlive me, so I better damn well make sure living was worth dying for.

Plus I'm sick of being lonely and stuck in my parents house. Do you know how lonely it is to know that you may have been closed to actually loved by someone and you let it die? There's no do-overs. That everyone else never loved you for the person you are?

Its a heavy load to bear.

That's why I'm always looking for the next way out. Staying here is just a reminder in all the ways I fail as a human, or people aren't waving at me anymore, though I've done nothing to them, or that my friends that I hang out with (because they never have something better to do) are all drunk and chuck full of numerous disorders... and I'm allowing myself to go down with thier ship.

I don't know quite what else to do. I don't believe in love anymore. I've got nothing left to grasp onto, I'm just trying desperately to finish MATC and hopefully figure out the next step.

But I think I'm dying in small increments each day.

The block was dead Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue

Wow. WOW. I have known that lyric for years... today while my mom was navigating us down to the Beach, Daytona Beach, I hear her say "Take a left on A1A." And my mind said "BEACHFRONT AVENUE!"

Yes, suddenly, I realized...

So I continued to A1A is explaining specifically what road Vanilla Ice is driving on.

*facepalm*

Maybe I'm judgemental too...

Considering I just noticed the couple eating has matching Dale Earnhardt memorial sweatshirts on... and I was like "what the hell?"

I apply my personality in a paste.

So after having a quasi argument over "posers" with someone we all know, I had more questions than answers. This person's stance was such that:

When people who don't fit in with an original group get interested in something, they are all posers.
Anyone who can't wear their genre-attire to work is a poser.
People who dress up (rockabilly for example) when they go to concerts are posers.
Dudes with cuffed jeans, James Dean haircuts, and new motorcycles are posers.

The list goes on. But this dude managed to list off groups that included:
His sister, his best friends, and me.

Now, I don't get it. A person has to make a living. You can't always do it with pink hair, even if that's your passion. Believe me I tried in that stinking corporate pit. So he has less respect for people who let their freak flag fly on weekends and go back to corporate life during the week?

I don't know.

If he wasn't so God damn judgmental in the first place... I probably wouldn't have even started the conversation.

That is my current annoyance.