Requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't care what you perceive
I'm not here to make you see
Sometimes I just need to grieve
requiem for the girl I used to be

I don't give a fuck what they say
who cares about them anyway
i'll always find a way to be the new me
requiem for the girl I used to be


Sometimes I think about how different I feel now versus 5 years ago. I like who I am, I am ok with who I am, but its funny, sometimes I just remember that I was vastly different... especially days like today.

Sometimes I wish my brain had an off switch. Something bothered me the other day. I can't get my head around it or why it bothers me. But I saw this thing that said "you never stop loving someone either you never loved them in the first place or you still do." This bothered me because of the ex. THE EX. the double T. I no longer love him. It wouldn't even be healthy to love him. But I would say I did. I had to, otherwise why did I make sacrifices and work hard and try hard and care so much? It had to be love right? Just because I don't know because so much time has passed? I care about his general well-being, but he hasn't spoken to me in forever. I don't know a single thing about him anymore. Other than the fact he's constantly outside my place of work doing stuff for another business. Today he and a friend were walking out the back door of said establishment. I drove by waving. His friend (who came to my illegal lesbian wedding at a swamp, who is a nice guy) waved. The ex looked up upon hearing my overly loud car... he didn't do anything except just kind of stare. Like he didn't know what to do. Granted he was probably surprised. I wasn't prepared for my reaction to seeing him. I felt like I got punched in the sternum. What. The. Fuck. It doesn't make any sense. I guess I just ate a lot of pain back when things ended and it still swells up from time to time? I don't rightly know.

Another friend once said you don't stop loving someone, and if you can't be with them, and will never be with them, you just go with someone else. Made it sound like you just go for second best. I don't like that either. I didn't date after the demise of my relationship because I thought it wasn't fair when I couldn't like anyone more than the ex. Now I like most people more than the ex. Not that he isn't a good guy, just really not my type anymore. I need a freer spirit, someone who understands me better, someone who doesn't want me to fit a mold that I don't belong in, and I want someone who I don't feel misunderstands me. If I was still stuck on him, it wouldn't be fair to someone. Now I'm over him, and moved on, so I'd consider someone else.

Doesn't matter when you're over them, sometimes it still feels like you get punched in the sternum from time to time.

In completely unrelated news, the owl outside the windows hooting up a storm, the frogs out back are croaking happily, Cops-Sturgis Rally is on TV, and I am trying not to eat another Reese's peanut butter cup.

I'm completely out of my friend's mom's house... so whatever the real story is on that, I don't care. I just have my stuff out, in storage, and I'm hoping to find an apartment. Looking at a place downtown by the old school car wash... we'll see how that goes tomorrow.

Going to try to sleep.