Fuck. FUCK.
You know, it's not like I don't realize certain inalienable facts. Doesn't mean I can't wish they were different.
I wish I didn't have reactions to my ex. Really wish that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was true. I'd erase him. Oddly enough, when we first broke up I'd never dream of it.
But for Christ sake, its been almost 5 years. I'm sick of my gut reactions to stupid shit.
Before I wanted to keep every good memory. I wanted to cherish what we'd had that was good and remember how to love like that. For fucks sake I am so sick of it now. I don't really think about the good stuff, its a waste of time and doesn't change anything. My stupid fucking stomach sees his car and gets all icky. This is followed by the atypical "you werent good enough" line of thinking. I can squash that pretty easily by remembering that no ones perfect and he has plenty of faults and things he did that were just not even good. This is followed by the "but no one loves you now" thoughts, and the "everyone just judges you anyways."
I realize all this sounds crazy... and today I realized something.
I already want to get the hell out of here. But I realized I need to. LIKE REALLY NEED TO. Not just a desire, but something drastic is going to happen. Not like some serious thing people should be concerned for, but I'll just lose my mind and disappear one night, leaving everything I have floating in the air in my wake.
I just can't keep seeing the same people, hearing the same shitty rumors, having the same conversations with my friend about how we're both destined to be something so much better. We're destined to be authors. This whole town thinks we're losers and drunks.
I just need to get the fuck away.
Looking forward to graduating from MATC. I think I have to go to Milwaukee. I can't die in this fucking town. And going to WW wouldn't fucking help me at all.
I don't know.
I just need to take a hiatus and stay indoors.
I really hope whatever is wrong with the other delivery driver's car gets fixed soon, because seeing the ex's car, and a fleeting glimpse of him, then his girlfriends car, I can't really accept that I am in shitville still and not doing something better for myself.
The most annoying part of seeing him is the reminder that somehow, we're linked to this past, we can't have a future as friends, and are apparently supposed to not be friends or talk... I mean him no ill will, I don't ever want him back, why can't he and I be friends?
Oh well.
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3 comments:
I get that way too with certain people, but I agree with you. You NEED to leave. I'm not saying that because I despise that cesspool of a town with every fiber of my being, I'm saying it because you have obviously reached a point in your life where it's time for change and opportunity. There aren't many opportunities there.
GET OUT. that's why i just cannot see myself moving back into that state. (maybe madison)
the truth is that you do spend too much time in the bar/drinking. i was too and that's why i did something drastic.
i agree with WW not being a good idea. i don't have a solid reason, maybe just because it's such a drunken town, but i'd get the hell out and go to the city.
Yeah, the parents think I can stay local and save money by going to WW.
I NEED OUT. BAD.
I want to be somewhere else, where every single day isn't some reminder of almost every thing you've had in your past, whether it be high school stories, or exes, or whatever.
I allowed someone else's complaints about how they are still here and not doing what they want to bring me down this weekend.
I don't think he'll ever change or leave. But for the love of Christ I need to. I need out. OUT!
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