I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Of a million unheard souls
Watch each one reach for creature comfort
For the filling of their holes

I guess it's one of those kind of nights, isn't it? Still adrift on the sea of uncertainty.

At my request you take me in
In that tenderness I am floating away
No certainty, nothing to rely on
Holding still for a moment
What a moment this is
Oh for a moment of forgetting
A moment of bliss

I have always loved the song those lyrics were taken from.

Apparently my mood has slipped again judging by recent mix CDs. The most upbeat song (and fun to sing) is Lucinda Williams "Cant Let Go." Which the lyrics to don't really in any way pertain to how I feel these days. Other than maybe unspoken oddness happening in the land of the utterly hopeless? Dear reader you may understand what/who I mean. I try to stay off that subject, as I can't think too much about that articular person who is very very stuck in a rut and never going to wise up to what could be.

At least he's better adjusted than some people I know and have had the misfortune of being entangled with lately.

I need to make a new list. Maybe a form letter? An agreement?


Dear man-who-might-become-somehow-even-if-only-slightly-involved-with-me-in-any-way,

I'm fine. Really. I'm ok. When you bring down the house with your own issues whether they be confusion, guilt, bad choices, libidinous intent, whatever they are, it makes me tired and bored, I feel like a bad person because I don't have time for your issues. But I'm too old to care and old enough to know better. If I seem like I'm not listening, I'm probably not, especially if you are in a swirling conversation revolving around you, and you're so self absorbed you don't realize I'm still there, or only need some sort of captive audience for your soapbox rambling. In which case, I suggest you get a trained monkey. It will even sigh appropriately and possibly nod, or pat your back when needed.

If you know my most recent (and that means 5 plus years) ex-boyfriend, you probably have no interest in dating me. If you happen to be drunk and hitting on me, you'll just remind me tomorrow that I dated "your friend" and somehow tomorrow this will be a big deal. Or somehow you'll be weirded out. Or you won't look at me as an actual individual so we might as well say fuck it and give up right now. Yes, I look at you individually for qualities I find attractive about you. Unfortunately, the group dynamic is such to consistently remind me I dated someone who wasn't right for me for far too long. Life goes on, it has for him, it has for me, and I would love the past to be just that. Unfortunately for me, I live in a small town.

I'm apparently an excellent babysitter, I did it for years with my ex's drunken misadventures, I do it currently for a gaggle of severely messed up individuals I have as friends. I you want a babysitter I'll probably be ok for a while, but realize I will grow tired of it. I can't promise it will work out for you if that is what you need. Its annoying and draining taking care of others who are just too busy fucking themselves up to take care of themselves.

Also of note, I am capable of some great big unconditional love. You probably won't know this, and if you stick around long enough you might be the beneficiary of some of this. Unfortunately for you, you're going to have to earn it, because the wall around me has increased after years of being jacked around. I am very slow to trust. Slow to care. If you're looking for love from me that will be a hard road. But not impossible. Think of it as driving off-road as opposed to the highway.

If you are looking for a good time, I am capable of that. I will not, however, tolerate sudden changes in attitude, or suddenly worrying about commitment or leading me on. You may think you have me hook line and sinker with whatever sweet nothings you whisper, but chances are, I'm just there to get laid. Very simple. I have found men to be the ones to initiate such casual relations, then suddenly freak out about them. Just to reiterate, I get it. I do. and I will wish you well finding love in the future and keep your bed warm in the meantime. I am ok with it. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. I've been tortured by feelings enough in my life, I don't have to do it to myself. I'll be gone if it gets too heavy for me. If its too heavy for you or too weird, say so, get out, and don't give me the cold shoulder. Its ok, we'll be fine, the world will go on turning. I can respect that you're done and don't want to continue.

And to the one person that I could care about if I tried: I don't want to change you. Which is why I don't try to care about you. You're set in your ways and incapable of trusting another human being in the way I would hope you would. Believe it or not, I get it better than you think I do. Which is why it saddens me, but it will always be like this, two trains on tracks that occasionally meet.

To the other person I find myself inexplicably caring about: I hope you figure it all out. I'm always here for you, to talk to, to hang out with, to help you understand the complexities of human behavior. We had our fun, but I think all that is far past us now. I choose to be where I am because I cannot handle anywhere else to be.


You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down
And you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around.
If there ain't all that much to lug around,
Better run like hell when you hit the ground.

When the morning comes.