Just watched "Across the Universe" and cried through most of it. Partly because of the story, partly because of being moved by the happenings coupled with the songs, partly because I am totally and utterly alone. For anyone who hasn't seen it, the "Let It Be" segment early in the movie seriously made tears well up and fall... and that's not even a half hour in, I don't think. Also, it puts a lot of history out on the table. Reminds me what this country has been through and what has happened. I won't get all revolutionary on you...
I do know that I want to go to Ireland through MATC if I can somehow make it happen. I may have to borrow large sums of money. I don't care. Someday I am going to die alone, Loki won't outlive me, so I better damn well make sure living was worth dying for.
Plus I'm sick of being lonely and stuck in my parents house. Do you know how lonely it is to know that you may have been closed to actually loved by someone and you let it die? There's no do-overs. That everyone else never loved you for the person you are?
Its a heavy load to bear.
That's why I'm always looking for the next way out. Staying here is just a reminder in all the ways I fail as a human, or people aren't waving at me anymore, though I've done nothing to them, or that my friends that I hang out with (because they never have something better to do) are all drunk and chuck full of numerous disorders... and I'm allowing myself to go down with thier ship.
I don't know quite what else to do. I don't believe in love anymore. I've got nothing left to grasp onto, I'm just trying desperately to finish MATC and hopefully figure out the next step.
But I think I'm dying in small increments each day.
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2 comments:
What is a heavy load to bear? That there's no do overs? I think you should thank your lucky stars! Don't confuse being lonely with regret and for the love of the FSM don't think of yourself as undesirable. It's your situation. You KNOW you need a change and you're just waiting for the time to come when you can make it. Get your degree and fly away. I will miss you, but you need to do this for your sanity.
That made me cry. I will miss you too. BUt apparently, you're right, and somethings gotta give eventually. I am hoping it isn't my psyche.
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