Maybe I won't flunk my Sociology midterm...

Repost from Myspace, March 8

So something that we learned about in Sociology is the concept of "I" and "Me." in the definitions we're using, "I" is how you project yourself, "Me" is the image you get of yourself from feedback received from others. This has really struck home with me because it makes so much sense. Let's look at the big picture:

I hear a lot of "don't be so down/hard on yourself." or "you need to love yourself and people will love you in return." Endless commentary on the subject, because people think the "I" is not strong enough in me, or is damaged, or lacking in confidence.

The opposite is true. It's the "Me" that suffers. There are a number of you who are supportive. Likely anyone reading this right now. There are even people who think they aren't good to me, but they give me positive feedback, they reinforce my "I" thinking, though they don't think they're doing me any good.

Best way to explain this, I do NOT mean to sound cocky here...

I think I am pretty God Damn neat. For real. I'm definitely not the norm or whatever, but for christ sake I like some pretty cool stuff, I loved being in roller derby, I have a brain, I do use it, I love to have conversations, I love to get to know people, and I'll fucking do anything for those I care about. In superficial terms, I love my dark dark hair (hence trying to stay within the same darkness or darker in dying it, even if its funky colors). I think my blue eyes rock. People tell me I have a cute face. I like my smirks. My boobs are almost too big to me sometimes, fashion wise, but fuck at least I got em. I think my legs are pretty cool (thank you mom). I can't say I'm the best lay in the universe but at least I'm enthusiastic.

So this sounds like a person who's attempting to be humble, but actually thinks they're awesome. I'm not BETTER than other people or hold myself to be better than them (Unless they're a clueless, vapid idiot, yes I do have a touch of judgement in that respect).

From a young age, the "Me" has had to deal with stuff such as this:

No one likes you.
You're the weird girl.
Shut up Nerd.
Speak English (as a child I was wordy, people didn't understand my vocabulary)
SPeak English still applies sometimes, even as an adult.
Ewwww!
he doesn't like you like that (over and over again)
cold shoulders
people avoiding me
people talking shit

specifics?

I got the door slammed in my face at the first school dance I went to, because I am so uncool I am not allowed to pee. Stephanie came looking for me and I had already called my mom and had her come to get me. Stephanie said "are you sure" and I wanted to get away from my humiliation. I was crying. My mom still thinks Andrea Garber is a "stupid bitch" because of this. I don't really care about Andrea, I'm pleasant to her when I've seen her randomly.

My kindergarten friends promptly got rid of me the older they got, because I am not something to be seen with.

I've had many rejections in my love life.

Even boyfriends who loved me were embarrassed of me, because I am "loud" and "always doing something that makes people stare." its because I don't give a shit, but when the person you're with does give a shit, it makes you second guess you're carefree nature.

how about random douchebags? on the street, in bars, in the mall. Making fun of my clothes, my ridiculous dance moves, my whorish shirt because my cleavage is showing, or some accessory that I have that they think is dumb. I realize this is random douchebaggery and I feel bad for these people because picking on strangers is all they have. Hey, I sometimes laugh at ridiculous drunks, or make fun of random shit. But man, some people go out of their way to be complete fucktards.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've been a blow up doll for broken people. I am not so jaded and delusional that I lack the understanding of "fuck buddy" relationships. But come on, a little respect would be nice. refusing to talk to me, ignoring me, hiding, this is all really elementary school crap. and it's been a theme that's gone on for years. Yes, I realize its probably my taste in men, but these are the ones that at least respond with some sort of positive, as opposed to flat out rejections. So it's not like I don't have higher standards, its just that the higher standards don't like chicks like me or are more into something closer to a supermodel, or at least traditionally pretty. So I'm untraditionally pretty. men can be retarded. am I'm not talking about the one (yes there is one) that I'm guilty of avoiding because I'm scared to talk to him sometimes. I still soldier up and occasionally break the ice or try to tell him something. But that's a whole different story, we're a special kind of fucked up, he and I.

I don't think that people understand "I don't like you like that" or "I'm seeing someone else" or even "you aggrivate me" is better than the silent treatment. I can handle the fucking truth, its avoidance I hate.

I'm not even talking like "relationships." Friends do this to me. Granted, some of my friends are the crappiest immature assholes I've ever met, but here's the kicker, I accept them as they are, I don't expect them to change, I know they may grow up or change attitudes, but it's not up to me to make them. I take them as is. So sometimes this means dealing with such bullshit behavior.

I really think people are so wrapped up in their own little bubble they don't think for a second how they hurt others, until others blow a fucking gasket and get mad at them.

and sometimes its a simple as someone seemingly wanting to spend every weekend with you, calling you daily or twice a day, and you thinking "ok well i guess they really want to hang out and i am one of the only good people in their world" just to have them suddenly start hanigng with immature people who are giving you the cold shoulder, and then they get dodgy and act like you're being demanding when you wonder why the hell they bugged you about going to something then ditched, or didnt show up, or never text you back when you're trying to let them know where you are in case they're bored, as a courtesy. its like "wow, you were up my ass two weeks ago and now you act like I'm being needy?"

I try to let the positive outweigh the negative.

I realize the world is full of a lot of fucktards, or self-serving immature assholes. In fact, I once went off on one of these former-something-not-resembling-respectable-relationships, and I called him: the epitamy of everything he so desperately despises, a self-serving self-centered man-child with no real life experience, a emotionally inferior egomaniacal shithead with a superiority complex, and a fucking dick. Yeah, that is the kind of shit I say to you if you're a fucking douche to me. But you REALLY have to piss me off... and insulting my intelligence while ripping on me and rejecting me is a good way to piss me off. oh, and "time-shifted bitchy curmudgeon who's 15 mentally."

I've been called too nice... but mostly, its me not wanting to expend energy on ignorant assholes a lot of the time. If you know someone isn't going to really listen, get overly defensive, and probably just smooth over the tiff and still behave exactly the same way as before you called them out, then what's the point? It doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me tired. if I need to rant to feel better I usually will. But starting fights with people too self-contained to realize they're bothering others is a waste of my time.

Now, lots of people can sometimes be wrapped up in their own shit and not realize they're being a jerk to others... but, like in the case of a real bad time that went down on vacation a few years ago... my brotha-from-anotha-motha came up to me and said "I've done that, I've thrown everything I could think of at someone in a fight and brought up shit just meant to hurt them. And I am always sorry afterward. It is something I have to learn not to do." Now he is on a different plane in that respect. In the heat of the moment he may be self-centered, but in hindsight, he's saying he messed up and has to mend fences. Not so many people can say something like that.

I have lots of hot-headed friends. They have LEARNED from their tempers. They realize what they do. They take pains not to do it. They occasionally still do, but they SEE what they have done, they aren't oblivious to the wake they leave. I have lots of respect for them.

I am just so sick of people turning their backs on me lately. Its because those of you that really matter aren't close enough to be here for me at these moments. I'm glad for Steph V. she lives with me, she's super blunt, and as such, she's giving me the feedback I need. Unfiltered truth. She doesnt ignore me she just answers. So she'll say "I don't want to go out, sorry." or "that's bullshit!" Its nice.

Sorry about writing a novel... just spending lots of time lately feeling a bit alone.

and I want some of you to realize... I do love myself. I do think I deserve better treatment, I don't expect immature people to see the light quickly and easily, and I get some really odd feedback from the world, but I'm still trying not to doubt that being the brash, blunt, odd person that I am is the way to be. I like weirdo me, I don't think I'm weird at all. But, I realize I'm not the norm. and I like it.