So I apparently don't pay enough attention to what I sign up for. And is anyone reading this? Probably not.

I stand on the cusp of jumping headfirst into something. I say that like it would be a grand gesture, a sudden change. Suddenly, everything would come into focus, all would be surrounded in light. But it's not nearly that spectacular. I'd just like to be. Just be. And be around another human being, who I have some keen attachment to. I think that's as close to a relationship as I'd be able to get. People who know me would say "oh no! You're such a relationship person!" But really, if I was, I wouldn't constantly second guess myself. I wouldn't say things to myself like "well so-and-so gets along with me well. But he's a selfish jerk, and there's people on OKCupid to talk to."or "I'd give my ovaries just to say what I really want to say to someone I've really liked for a very long time. But instead, I'll talk to some douchebag at a bar, and run from both situations when they get too sticky."

When something gets close, I run. I open my heart to those that don't deserve it, and I keep a fortress around myself.

If I could actually say words, out loud, without being inebriated, I'd say:

"I dig you. I really like who you are. I like you for you and don't expect you to be something you're not. I realize you may change your mind at any given moment, and maybe so will I, but no matter what, I'll always like you this way, it just won't go away."

Fuck. maybe I should just start writing letters. ARG.